


save me (I can't save myself)

by UnitedWeStandDividedWeFall



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, F/F, I cried writing it, Lexa has a lot of issues and Clarke shows her how to fix them the right way, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Therapy, additional trigger warnings in notes, but I try to make it funny sometimes, getting better, it has a happy ending, it's okay to ask for help, schizophrenic Tris, there's no romanticizing eating disorders or mental illnesses, this is probably emotional, trans Aden, treatment center
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2018-12-30 14:20:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 69,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12110586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnitedWeStandDividedWeFall/pseuds/UnitedWeStandDividedWeFall
Summary: When Lexa's eating disorder gets the best of her, her cousin has no choice but to send her to a treatment center. There, Lexa meets a lot of new people but most importantly a very cute, bubbly doctor Clarke.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This might be triggering so take care of yourself if you think this might do more harm than good. 
> 
> I'm doing this the tasteful way, I'm not romanticizing mental illnesses or eating disorders. Clarke doesn't make her problems disappear, she just helps Lexa work on them. 
> 
> If you know me as a writer you know I'm terrible at updates. I have some pre-written chapters and hopefully I won't do that dumb thing where I just stop in the middle of the story again.

Anya heard Lexa's alarm go off but she was certain that Lexa was already awake. She rarely slept. And Anya was getting worried. She understood how stressful Lexa's job was. She was a CEO of a company she inherited after her parents' death. Lexa never wanted the company, but she still worked hard to ensure people there had jobs to provide for themselves and their families.

"Morning," Lexa grumbled, her voice weak and raspy.

Anya nodded. It was 4 in the morning. Lexa didn't have to be at work until six. Anya was a vice-president at the company. Lexa's parents were her aunt and uncle and they took her in when her mom stopped taking care of her because alcohol was more important and her dad was out of the picture. "I made breakfast."

Lexa eyed the plate of pancakes and she felt her throat close up. "No, thanks."

"You need to eat," Anya said, her jaw tightening. She noticed how over months Lexa's waist got smaller, her arms weaker and her cheeks hollow. She noticed when the spark of life slowly started disappearing from Lexa's eyes. 

"I'm fine," Lexa said quietly, immediately turning around and walking into the direction of the private gym.

Anya sighed. It was a bad day. On a good day, Lexa would have at least tried to drink a yogurt or eat a banana. On a bad day, she would ignore her and go in the gym. But on a really bad day, Lexa would snap and yell until she would lose her voice. But not once have Lexa ever called in sick. Anya knew Lexa would spend an hour in the gym, wasting calories she didn't have. She knew Lexa needed help. Professional help. But Lexa was also her only living family left and she didn't want to just dump her in front of some medical facility.

Lexa was barely able to ignore the pounding in her head as she ran on the treadmill. She knew what she was doing wasn't okay. But she would never dare to speak up about it or ask for help. Anya tried to help but Lexa shut her down so many times she must have simply given up. Lexa sped up, her headache turning into a persistent throb. Lexa uncapped her bottle of water and drank most of it. It didn't fix the headache but it did lessen the pain. After thirty minutes of running she moved on to the weights. A while ago she was able to pick up the heaviest one. Now even the lightest ones caused her trouble. Lexa grunted and then gave up. She was tired, irritated and had a headache. And she also had a very important business meeting.

When Lexa returned from the gym there was still food on the counter and she immediately turned away from it. She went in the bathroom, took a quick shower and downed two ibuprofens to help with the headache. After that she got dressed and met with Anya so they could both drive to work in the same car.

Anya noticed how Lexa's belt had an added hole to it and how even that one seemed to cause Lexa's pants to slip lower on her waist. Anya knew Lexa has been through a lot in the past few months. It wasn't just the death of her parents that haunted Lexa, but also an ex-girlfriend that seemed to have broken her. Costia seemed like a wonderful girl but since Lexa became a CEO, maybe even before, she started making remarks how Lexa always seemed to be having dinners or lunches with her clients and was never at home, getting fat instead. And then it was the emotional manipulation. Costia often yelled at Lexa even when Lexa was exhausted from working and then forced her to go out to clubs where Costia would get drunk and flirt with other people. And if Lexa would say anything Costia would blame her for not being there for her.

Anya sighed. "Kid, we're gonna need to get you some help."

Lexa huffed, looking through the window. "I'm fine," she stated. "And don't call me kid." Lexa was only twenty-four and Anya was twenty-nine. Not even that old.

"I worry about you," Anya said. The car ride was the only time she was able to actually talk to Lexa. But even then, she had to be careful.

"Well don't. There's nothing to worry about," Lexa said in a harsh tone. "Just be quiet. I have a headache and I have a big meeting later."

Anya clenched her jaw, gritted her teeth and exhaled loudly but she remained silent. She drove them to the company and watched Lexa get out of the car, swaying unstably on her feet for a moment. Anya shook her head and went to park the car.

The headache Lexa had only passed for a moment but it was back before her meeting and Lexa downed a bottle of water and another two ibuprofens. It made her queasy, but then again, she hasn't felt healthy in a long time. She sat in her chair around her oval table, listening to one of the most important clients she had. Lexa gently rubbed her temples. Her hands were shaking and her heart was pounding. But at least her headache was somewhat gone.

"Miss Woods, are you alright?" one of the interns asked nervously when he saw Lexa's face get paler.

Lexa's glare could kill and the intern quickly lowered his head. "No need to worry," she hissed. When the meeting was over it was one pm and that same intern unwrapped his sandwich in the oval room after the clients left. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Lexa snapped. Just the smell alone made her want to throw up.

"I'm eating?"

Lexa growled. "Do it somewhere fucking else!"

The intern scrambled on his feet, nearly hitting the glass window next to the door. "I'm so sorry, ma'am. I mean boss. I mean Miss Woods. I'm sorry," he stuttered and ran outside.

Lexa stood up, pushing her chair backwards and then she felt it. It started as a sway, her knees almost buckling below her and the heavy dizziness that overcame her. She felt like throwing up but her stomach had been empty for a couple of days and she was only able to choke on her acid saliva. Lexa was too weak to stand and her head felt too heavy, her vision blurry and she collapsed.

Anya heard the yelling from the meeting room and when she got there to check the situation she saw Lexa falling on the floor. "Fuck," she muttered, terrified and her blood cursing with adrenaline. "Someone call nine-one-one!" she ordered. Anya ran to Lexa's body, her knees hitting the floor and she checked for pulse. Lexa was pale, her body still. "Come on, don't do this," Anya muttered. "Can someone get me wet towel?" Anya stayed with Lexa, pressing the towel on her neck, sometimes wiping her cracked lips until the ambulance came.

"What happened ma'am?" the EMT asked.

Anya found it hard to swallow. "She's… She hasn't been eating well for months now. And I think it must have been a few days since she last had a meal and she's taken ibuprofen for a headache and she collapsed."

The EMTs loaded Lexa on a gurney and started her on an IV. "We're taking her to the hospital. Do you want to come with us?"

"I'll take my car," Anya said.

Lexa regained consciousness in the ambulance. The noise was ringing in her ears and there was a light flashing in her eyes and she panicked. Pulling hard on the IV and trying to kick and sit up but she found her legs restrained.

"Miss Woods, you need to calm down," a female EMT said gently. "You're malnourished and you collapsed. We're taking you to the hospital but you need to remain still. Do you understand?"

Lexa barely managed a nod.

"Your blood pressure is dangerously low and so is your sugar level. You're going to need to talk to a professional after being admitted," the EMT continued.

Lexa frantically shook her head. "I'm fine," she croaked but it sounded anything less than fine. She didn't try to say anything else and no one spoke to her either until she was lowered on the ground and wheeled in the hospital. They admitted her immediately.

Lexa couldn't do anything but let them take her blood for samples. They checked her reflexes, pupils and gave her an EKG to see how well her heart worked. Lexa heard some murmurs about the results but most of the time she was too dizzy to understand what was being said. Then they tried to take her clothes off and Lexa regained some energy, kicking the sweet nurse that definitely did not deserve it and punching one of the interns in the face.

"Miss," a doctor said, "we're just trying to help."

"Don't," Lexa hissed. "I am more than capable of changing my own clothes."

The doctor nodded but didn't look very convinced. "Very well. You can change in the bathroom. A nurse will wait outside the door. You will most likely stay for additional tests and an observation for a few days."

Lexa huffed and stood up for the first time. She was still dizzy, her legs felt weak and she swayed and shuffled to the bathroom. She dragged her IV pole along with her. Lexa realized she was able to pull off her jeans without undoing the button. The same jeans that used to be a snug fit. The hospital gown was itchy and made of an unpleasant material but it also reached to her knees, for which she was grateful. She was surprised to see the XS brand on the back of it though. Lexa has always been size small, sometimes even medium. But she didn't pay much attention to that because she was getting dizzy again and her heart was beating erratically and she just needed to lay down.

"It's for precaution," the nurse explained when Lexa laid down, using the soft restraints to bound her arms and legs. "You were really aggressive before."

Lexa felt panicky at the thought of not being able to move. "I can't. I really need you to undo them."

The nurse sighed. "I'm very sorry, miss. It's for your own good. A doctor will shortly return for more tests. You will be measured and weighted. And your friend is here to see you." She covered Lexa with a blanket, leaving it at her waist.

"Lex," Anya said, entering the room.

"What the hell?" Lexa immediately snapped. "How did I end up being tied to a hospital bed?"

Anya sighed. "I spoke to the doctor. You broke an intern's nose. You're lucky they won't sue. And you bruised the other nurse. You're obviously a danger to yourself and others."

"Get me out of here," Lexa begged.

"I want to, kid. I do," Anya said, reaching out for Lexa's hand. Lexa flinched, instinctively trying to pull her hand away but she couldn't. "I want you to focus on yourself. I want you to get better."

Lexa inhaled shakily. "I'm fine," she repeated. "And I'm going to prove it to you as soon as they let me out."

Anya stayed silent because what else could she do. She heard the door open and she stood up.

"We don't mind you here," the doctor said to Anya, a polite smile on his face. "Or do we, Lexa?"

Lexa's jaw clenched but she managed a curt nod. Slowly her hands were set free and so were her legs. Lexa saw a security guard by the door and if her stomach wasn't hurting as much as it did she would have gotten angry.

"Very well," the doctor said, his smile way too wide. "Now please, step on the scale and we'll take your height and weight."

Lexa glared at the doctor but her skinny legs made a few steps forward until she got to the scale. It was one of those combined ones that had a height rod as well and when she stepped on it Lexa kept her head high.

"Five feet and five inches," doctor read out loud. "Now turn around, please."

Lexa did as she was told, her eyes shut tightly. She tried to block out all the noise, refusing to hear any kind of number being read out loud. But the doctor never did say it out loud. He wrote it down with a frown and a heavy sigh. Lexa was helped back in bed.

"Miss, may I please speak with you?" doctor asked, looking at Anya.

Anya nodded. She dreaded bad news. And it couldn't have been good ones. They stepped outside. "I'm afraid drastic measures will need to be taken," doctor said. "I was weary of her weight but seeing the number made me realize just how bad it was."

"What was the number?" Anya asked, hesitant if she even wanted to know.

"Ninety pounds."

Anya nodded and glanced at the floor for a moment to blink away the tears that came to her eyes. "What happens now?"

"We should have her blood results back tomorrow morning. A therapist and a nutritionist will come and talk to Miss Woods, though I doubt she will listen. There are certainly some options. We have links in a lot of lovely residential treatment facilities. Or centers where they meet up once a day for conversation. If all fails or if her weight continues to drop, we will have no other option but to hospitalize her and force her. I would really prefer to not use that option though. I understand you're her emergency contact and family. The decision is up to you."

Anya was listening very careful. If she could help Lexa she would make her stay at home and give her the best outpatient care. But if Lexa was out of the company that would mean Anya would have to take over and she wouldn't have time for Lexa. "What treatment facilities do you recommend?"

"We could head to my office. I believe I still have some brochures. You can include Miss Woods in the decision making but do not let her make the decision if you disagree. She's not thinking about what's best for her right now," doctor said.

Anya followed him to his office. It was quite friendly, really. Drawings and paintings and photographs decorating the otherwise dull white walls. Anya sat down on the chair and accepted brochures.

Doctor smiled at her. "The Ark is fairly new and popular. Then there are Timberline Knolls and Canopy Cone are best all-female residential facilities. Canopy Cone is based on Christian spirit, if that helps you."

Anya laughed. "I, uh… Lexa, she's gay. So I don't think she'd feel very welcomed there."

"That's quite alright. There are a lot more to choose from," he said, not missing a beat.

"Would you mind if I took this? Think about it for a while? Lexa, she's a CEO of the family company right now, and she hasn't taken a single day off since she took over. I just need to assure her that it's not going to go bankrupt while she's getting better," Anya said, trying to make a joke but her heart felt heavy and a knot was in her stomach.

Lexa was glad that at least this time they didn't restrain her back on bed but when they brought a plate in her room her anger was back. "No, thank you," she said politely though rudely.

"I am here to make sure that you eat properly," the nurse said.

"I'm not hungry."

"Your blood sugar is low."

Lexa growled. "Then give me a granola bar." She was surprised to see that the nurse left with the plate. But she did return with a small chocolate bar. "I'm not eating that," Lexa said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I don't think that's a good idea. You either eat the chocolate or you will be supplied with a nutrition IV. And those have a very high count of calories," nurse said and hoped it would spook Lexa into eating the chocolate.

Lexa stuck out her hand and accepted the chocolate. "Can you not stare at me?" she asked angrily but the nurse didn't budge. "I don't feel comfortable."

"I'm here to see that chocolate being eaten."

Lexa sighed. She took a deep breath and unwrapped it. She used to love this type of chocolates. It was crunchy and filled with caramel. But now just the smell made her nauseous. She took a bite and forced it down her throat. It came back up but Lexa swallowed again. She would be damned if that nurse saw her throw up this candy bar. Bite by bite Lexa saw it disappear. She never took a breath through her nose though, afraid it would bring everything back up again. "There," she muttered and laid back down. She suddenly felt stuffed and exhausted.

Nurse pulled the blanket over Lexa. "It doesn't have to be this way."

"It is what it is," Lexa replied.

When Anya came back to Lexa's room, after calling Indra to inform her about the situation and what precautions to take now that Lexa was going to be absent for a while, Lexa was already asleep. "We'll get you fixed up, kid."

It was a promise, a prayer and a plea at the same time.


	2. Chapter 2

When Lexa woke up she was being poked and probed. She opened her eyes and looked angrily at the nurse. It was a different one, too. "Go away," she ordered but her voice came out as a rasp.

"Good morning, Miss Woods," the doctor said cheerfully, entering the room without a pause.

It was the same doctor as the day before and Lexa rolled her eyes. "Can I leave?"

"Absolutely," he said and Lexa was already sitting up. "But after we discuss certain things." Lexa leaned back with a huff. "We have your blood work back and it's not looking good. You're anemic. Do you want to know why?"

"No," Lexa replied. "But I'm sure you will tell me anyway."

Doctor nodded. "You have a low count of red blood cells. That can happen for variety of reasons but it can also be caused by iron deficiency, which can be found in meat, grains and vegetables, and lack of vitamin B12, which, again, can be found in food."

"So, what are you saying?" Lexa asked.

"That you need to eat."

Lexa chuckled, but it sounded bitter and defensive. "Great plan, doc. Anything else?"

"Your cousin, Anya, has been very supportive and helpful," doctor continued, not minding Lexa's poisonous glares and annoyed eye rolls. Someone needed to face her with reality. "I gave her brochures of treatment centers, or rehabs, if you prefer. She has narrowed them down to three. You may pick a winner."

"You think this is some sort of joke?" Lexa snapped. "That this is funny? I'm fucking fine. I'll eat when I'm hungry and I'll leave when I want. Which is now. None of you, doctors, care about what happens to us. So, I'm a little fucked up. Who isn't?" Lexa stood up and tried to push herself past the nurse but the security guard was by her side. "Oh, what? You're gonna restrain me again? Admit me to psych?"

"Lexa!" Anya scolded, just entering the room. She chose the wrong moment to walk in because her presence only fueled Lexa's anger. "Sit back down."

Lexa snorted. "Oh, please. Like you can tell me what to do. Your mom was an alcoholic. Not once have you tried to sign her into a treatment facility. And what, I don't eat for a week and suddenly you're all over this shit? You just want the company for yourself!"

Anya inhaled sharply, her jaw clenching and her hands closing into tight fists. Lexa was just taking her frustrations out on her. "My mom's situation is different from yours. I couldn't help her. I can help you," she spoke as calmly as possible. "I care about the company. But it's yours. It always will be. Now stop behaving like a fucking six year old and listen."

"I'm leaving," Lexa said instead.

"Not so soon, I'm afraid," doctor said. "It's obligatory for you to talk to, or listen to, our nutritionist and psychologist before we can let you go."

The nutritionist showed up fairly quickly and Anya stepped outside to give Lexa some privacy. But she could tell Lexa wasn't saying anything and she was just barely listening, only glaring at the poor woman that was just trying to do her job.

Anya took a deep breath, turning to the doctor. "If I call… One of the treatment centers, I mean, how fast till they can admit Lexa?"

"I'd say very," doctor answered, honestly. "We would send Lexa's medical records to them, they would reevaluate her health status again to make sure they have the right diagnose. Have you chosen a place?"

Anya nodded. "It seemed like the best one. And I'd be the one to take her there so I could say goodbye. I've been doing research too. She would be kept on a strict schedule. No phones and visitations for a while." She fidgeted for a moment. "I don't want to push her too far. She's my only family. And she was right. Before. I never tried helping mom. Granted, I was eleven, but I should have tried harder."

"Sometimes a push is exactly what they need. But she's your family. Nobody knows her as well as you do."

"Yeah," Anya muttered. And she would never forgive herself is she did something wrong with Lexa. "So, to admit Lexa into The Ark I have to make a phone call."

Doctor nodded. "Lexa should be in there for a while."

Anya moved into the hospital bathroom, where it was the quietest and she was able to call the number that was written on the flyer. Her heart was thumping loudly inside her chest and she was incredibly anxious. Then they answered. Anya explained the situation very carefully and it took nearly forty minutes before the phone call was over. Two days. Anya had two days to get Lexa into The Ark Treatment Center at four thirty-five pm.

But after Lexa finished her conversations with, or rather just listening to, the nutritionist and a psychologist she was in terrible mood, her eyes dark with stormy rage that Anya was honestly terrified of. And she had no other option but to take Lexa home after she was released.

Anya planned on telling Lexa about the treatment center, to show her the brochure and the website. But every time she opened her mouth to say something on the drive home Lexa turned the radio just a little bit higher and when they entered their penthouse Lexa went straight up the stairs and into her bedroom, the door slamming behind her.

The website that The Ark treatment facility had was wonderful and kind of funny. Whoever designed it had a weird sense of humor but Anya liked it. She learned that it was a smaller treatment center, more private one, for women, teenagers, and children. They had four residential floors and an employer staying on each floor, so that the residents had a constant support, even at night. There wasn't much about doctors, except that they were all highly trained and professional. There were schedules put up and visitation hours and a phone number for family members or friends that wanted to check on the progress of their loved one. Anya also loved the different activities that were provided. Painting, horseback riding, hiking, rock climbing, camping. Lexa used to love rock climbing. Maybe she could love it again. Anya just hoped she was making the right decision.

Lexa was nothing if not stubborn and determined to have things done her way. After they fueled her body with IV at the hospital she was feeling better and she was up at four in the morning the next day, ready for her morning routine before work.

"Where are you going?" Anya asked, awake as well. She had a feeling Lexa would try and head in so she woke up early to talk her out of it.

"To work."

"You have the week off," Anya said, lying. She contacted Indra and they agreed to give Lexa as much time off as she needed to get better.

Lexa chuckled bitterly. "I'm the CEO. I think I can decide on my own when to take time off. And there are important meetings this week. Mr. Wallace scheduled a meeting at that French restaurant down the street and the mayor is stopping by on Friday at noon."

"I know. Indra and I have it covered," Anya said, trying not to feel giddy about how talkative Lexa was, even if her tone was slightly snippy. "Go back to bed."

"You can't forbid me from going to work," Lexa said angrily.

Anya nodded. "I can't. How about we make a deal?"

Lexa eyed her suspiciously.

Anya pushed a bowl full of what used to be Lexa's favorite cereal in front of her. "You eat this and you get to go to work."

Tension filled the spacious kitchen and Lexa swallowed audibly. She used to love this cereal. She ate it for breakfast, supper, sometimes she even had it as a snack. But now when she thought about how they tasted, it made her throat itch. "It's not even five in the morning," she croaked, her mouth dry.

"It never bothered you before. You used to eat the weirdest things for breakfast. Like leftover cold pizza or waffles with bacon. Or you made pancakes. At four in the morning."

Hearing Anya talk about food she used to eat made Lexa nauseous all over again and she shook her head. "I'm going back to bed."

And Anya has never felt quite this terrible when winning a deal. She knew Lexa could go without eating for another day, maybe two. Then she would get crankier and angrier until Anya would force her to eat a yogurt and a banana. She usually ate dinner on the fourth day, when she was practically numb from hunger. And then the process would repeat. Except Anya knew that in a day Lexa would no longer be comfortably home but in a treatment center.

Anya cooked dinner. In vain because she lost her appetite and Lexa never came out of her room, except in the evening when she went for a run. Anya didn't try to join like she usually did, mostly because she was afraid Lexa would get hurt on her own. She spent the night awake, pounding on how to get Lexa to the treatment center.

Luckily for her, Lexa made it easy.

"I'm going to work today and there's nothing you can say," Lexa said, before the sun even rose. "Even if I take the week off I need to sign some papers beforehand."

"Okay. But I'm driving you."

Lexa never questioned it and Anya was relieved. She had enough time to pack Lexa's suitcase, pick her up afterwards and drop her at the treatment center.

There are certain scenarios that happen in life that you never prepared for. Making the decision to take Lexa to a treatment facility was one of those. When Anya first realized her mother was an alcoholic, she was ashamed. She whispered it to Lexa during a movie once and Lexa only scrunched her nose in confusion because she didn't understand how her aunt could ever do such a thing. She was always so collected when she came to visit. It wasn't until months later that she was dropped in front of her aunt's and uncle's house with a bag of her belongings and a bruise on her face. It was then, that Anya decided to never let anything like this happen again. She couldn't get the help her mom needed, but she was able to help Lexa.

Lexa didn't notice anything was out of the ordinary on their way home until Anya drove past their exit. "Anya, are you even paying attention? You missed our exit."

Anya swallowed audibly. "I didn't."

"I'm pretty sure you did. Our apartment is way over there," Lexa said, pointing on the far right outside her passenger's window.

The confusion in Lexa's voice would have usually made Anya laugh but she only tightened the grip on the steering wheel. "We're just going for a drive. Don't worry about it."

Lexa huffed and leaned over to play with the radio. She could tell something was bothering Anya and the whole situation was suspicious but she couldn't think of any explanations for it. She frowned when Anya kept driving, missing all the exists that could take them home. And when they finally left the highway the sign was unfamiliar and it brought back the feeling that something bad was about to happen.

The car came to a stop in front of large gate and Anya rolled down her window to press on the intercom. A few moments later the gate opened and she drove further inside, a large sign welcoming them on the parking lot.

"No," Lexa murmured. "No, no, no, no," she kept saying rapidly while shaking her head. "Anya don't do this."

Anya knew this was going to be hard but she didn't think it would be this hard. "I'm so sorry kid," she said, her voice cracking. "But you need help."

Lexa kept shaking her head. "I'll… I'll start eating. I promise. Just take me home. I won't go to work. I'll eat whatever you want me to. I'll get better. Please don't leave me here."

"I want to believe that. I really do. But Lex… I won't let you die on me. I talked to the doctor in charge and she's so nice. She promised you'll feel comfortable here. You won't have to share your room. They're just trying to help you."

"I can get help from home," Lexa tried, tears making their slow way down her cheeks. "I can join a support group or something. Just take me home."

And Anya was so close to listening to her. To just press her foot against the gas pedal and drive away. But Lexa deserved professional help. "Kid, I can't do that."

"Why not?"

Anya was crying now too. "Because I can't stand to see you upset. I know you'll agree to therapy from home for a week, maybe two. And then you'll quit and I will let you. Because I'm already so close to taking you back home. You deserve this. You deserve to feel healthy and happy."

"I'm happy at home," Lexa said weakly, choking down a sob.

Anya took a deep breath, brushing her tears away. "You're not. And I don't blame you. I love you, Lexa. And you're going to get through this."

The front door opened and two women walked through. They were wearing casual clothes, nothing that would differentiate from any other guest or patient. Except one of them knocked on Anya's side of the car and Anya opened the door and exited the car.

"Hi. I'm Doctor Clarke Griffin," the blonde one said perkily. "I run The Ark treatment facility."

"Anya. Anya Woods," she introduced herself, still trying to get a control over her emotions.

Clarke's eyes widened with recognition. "Ah, yes. I believe we spoke on the phone before. This is my colleague Doctor Raven Reyes. Do you need any help?"

Anya shook Raven's hand and nodded. "Can I walk her inside? Or is that not wanted?"

"You can walk her inside. In fact, we already have her room prepared. We can show you where that is and you may help her get settled in. I'm afraid you have to leave by five though," Clarke explained professionally.

"I understand." Anya didn't want to hover for too long. It might make things even more difficult. She walked around the car and opened the door for Lexa who was crying silently in her hands. "Come on, kid. You can't fight me now."

Lexa pushed Anya's hand away and reluctantly got out of the car. She didn't look at the faces of the two supposedly doctors waiting for her. She couldn't bare the pity and she was embarrassed. Anya opened the trunk of the car and pulled out a suitcase.

"Is there anything she isn't allowed to have with her?" Anya asked.

"We'll take a hold of her phone and computer for a while," Raven answered. "We will of course return them after we deem that contact with the outside world won't do any harm."

Lexa froze. "You're taking away my phone?"

Anya sighed. "Hey kid, it's okay. I'll still call. I will call as often as possible until you get your gadgets back."

"But the company," Lexa tried one last time even though she was exhausted from fighting and crying.

"Is in good hands. Indra and I can handle it. I already postponed the meeting with the mayor until you're back. It's still your company, Lexa. Everyone knows that," Anya reassured her.

"Let's go inside," Clarke spoke. It was getting chilly and she didn't want anyone to get sick.

The inside of the facility left Anya in awe. The colors of the walls were warm and bright, there wasn't any burning hospital lights and it smelled like vanilla candles, instead of disinfectant. Which made sense since it wasn't an actual hospital.

"You need to check in first. We already filled out the forms, you just have to sign them which lets us know that you were admitted," Clarke explained and passed the forms to Anya because the patient still refused eye contact. It wasn't unusual though and Clarke knew it was an uncomfortable situation.

Lexa picked up the pen from the receptionist's desk and under Anya's watchful eyes scribbled down her signature. It was shakier than when she was signing papers for work.

"We usually let our residents settle in first and then have a medical evaluation in the morning," Clarke explained. "It lets us know if there are any medication that needs to be prescribed or if any diet changes need to be made. We already adjusted your meal plan due to the anemia."

And in that moment, it hit Lexa what this really meant. This was going to be her new home for the next few weeks. Or months. She wasn't sure how long this would take. And a crippling anxiety suddenly took over leaving Lexa breathless until she was collapsing on the floor.

Except she never did hit the floor. She was slowly lowered down, her heart racing and her breathing rapid.

"What you're experiencing right now is called a panic attack," Clarke said softly. "I don't know if it's your first and I know it feels like you're going to die, but you won't. You need to steady your breathing and you will start to feel better."

Lexa sucked in a deep breath, her bottom lip trembling as she fought another wave of tears. She tried mimicking the doctor's breathing but it felt like forever before the ache in her lungs finally went away. Lexa quickly wiped her damp cheeks with her hands and ignored the hand that was offered to her. She pushed herself in a standing position and hardened her facial features.

Anya immediately recognized her cousin's defensive stand and sighed heavily.

"Follow me," Clarke said with a gentle smile.

Lexa took her time to look around the long hallway.

"The cafeteria is on the ground floor. We have sofas in the main entrance for visitors, but there's also a room with board games and a TV where visitors can go. Our offices are on the ground floor as well," Raven explained as they were passing rooms.

They entered the elevator and Clarke pressed the button for the third floor. "The first two floors are reserved for children and adolescences," she explained.

"There are kids here?" Anya asked surprised.

"Sadly, yes. Eating disorders, or any other mental disorder really, do not have an age limit," Clarke replied honestly.

The elevator door opened and Lexa immediately froze because the hallways were not empty. Anya gently grabbed her elbow and pushed her outside.

"Each floor has a common room with a TV and there's also a reading room," Raven continued explaining. "We have two private bedrooms per floor but showers have to be shared. There's a separate toilet for each room and shared toilets in the hallway. There's a therapist available on each floor at all times, except during activities."

"And meals?" Anya asked carefully.

Clarke nodded thoughtfully. "There's a meal schedule in the entrance you can check out. We have breakfast at seven and then morning activities which are running, meditation or yoga. Lunch is at twelve and dinner is at five. Of course, there's fruit available at all times in the cafeteria, along with tea, water and juice."

Anya nodded and then chewed on her bottom lip when they got to the end of the hallway and stood in front of the door.

"This is your room," Clarke said, speaking directly to Lexa.

When Lexa didn't budge, Anya opened the door and walked inside. It almost looked like Lexa's room. The bed seemed comfortable, there was a closet and a door to the bathroom. Lexa even had a window but she realized there was no knob to open it. In the corner of the room was a table with two chairs.

"We'll leave you to settle in," Raven said and with Clarke they turned around and closed the door for privacy.

"It seems comfortable," Anya pointed out.

Lexa shrugged but remained silent.

Anya checked her watch. "I have to go soon. Do you want me to help you unpack?" More silence. "Okay," Anya murmured. She kissed Lexa's forehead. "Ste yuj, kid. I'll come visit you as soon as possible."

When the door closed behind Anya, Lexa angrily kicked in her suitcase which pushed it in the table and knocked it over causing one of the chairs to fall as well. Either way there was a lot of noises and it brought back one of the doctors. Lexa awkwardly tapped the point of her shoe in the bottom of the bed frame.

"We only use shoes outside. If you don't have any slippers in your suitcase there's a pair in the bottom drawer of the nightstand," was all Clarke said before leaving the room.

Lexa opened her suitcase, not knowing what was actually in it. It was mostly comfortable clothes like sweatpants and t-shirts and hoodies. Her slippers were on the bottom of the suitcase next to what used to be her favorite plush toy from her childhood. It was a stuffed raccoon, its colors washed out and one plastic eye was missing. But it brought tears to Lexa's eyes because while it reminded her of home, this room certainly wasn't home.


	3. Chapter 3

The quietness of the room was unsettling and Lexa had been sitting on her bed for fifteen minutes, dreading to actually leave her room. Dinner was at five and her watch told her it was two minutes past five pm and she really didn't want to go to a cafeteria filled with people eating.

Turns out she didn't have to.

Dinner was brought to her room, carried by someone she hadn't met yet.

"My name's Lincoln," he said kindly as he placed a try down on the table Lexa previously knocked down but later picked up. "You will be eating in your room for a week or so, until we are sure that you can eat your meals without supervision."

Lexa eyed the tray. "You'll watch me eat? Seriously?"

"Not necessarily. I will today, but it just means that we don't trust you to not hide or throw away your food. At least yet. Once we deem you're eating, you can eat in the cafeteria," he explained. "I can't leave the room but I can turn around."

Lexa nodded. "Okay. Turn around."

Lincoln made sure that there was no place where Lexa could hide the food before he turned around, his excellent hearing making sure that the only sounds were from the eating.

Lexa gulped before picking up the spoon. She hadn't had a soup in a really long time. Was it weeks? Months, probably. Her hand was trembling and she felt tears welling in her eyes as she scooped up a spoonful and moved the spoon closer to her mouth. Half of the soup from her spoon spilled back in the bowl and she didn't dare to breathe as she swallowed down the rest. It came right back up but she choked it down. Four spoons later and she was feeling utterly exhausted and her tray was still full. "I can't," she whimpered.

Lincoln turned around. "You can't what?"

"Eat. I can't."

He took a seat on the opposite side of the table. "You don't have to finish the soup. But you need the rest. Especially the meat and vegetables. If you eat this you won't have to take pills for anemia much longer," he promised.

Lexa pushed aside the bowl and went to the plate. The steak on it was honestly terrifying. "Four bites?" she negotiated.

"Half of it. And all the vegetables."

Lexa cut it in half just to see if it was any less horrifying. It wasn't. "Could you turn away again?"

Lincoln rotated his chair.

The more time Lexa spent pushing food around her plate the angrier she got. She was stabbing bits of meat and making even smaller pieces before she looked at the time on her watch. Half an hour later food was already mostly cold and she still hadn't eaten her portion.

"Take as much time as you need. We can reheat it for you if you want," Lincoln said, still facing the wall but knowing what was going through her mind.

"It's fine," Lexa rasped out. She finally brought the fork to her lips and held her breath as she swallowed down a piece of meat. She choked on it a little and ended up coughing but Lincoln didn't say anything and Lexa didn't want him to. She didn't finish all of the vegetables and she only managed to eat a quarter of the steak.

"Dessert?" Lincoln asked, pointing at the wrapped chocolate roll.

Lexa shook her head and watched him leave with the tray. She wanted to leave. She wanted to go home and cry in her bed and not have to deal with this. She wanted to yell at Anya, maybe even hit her for driving her. She wanted to yell at the staff for forcing her to eat dinner. And she also just wanted a bath. But there were only showers here.

There was a buzz of activity outside her room, on the hallway, after dinner team. She heard laughter, voices, women acting as if they weren't inside a treatment center. Lexa collapsed on her bed and fiddled with her watch. She knew one day she was going to have to face the world outside the room, but not at that moment. Drained and exhausted from the day Lexa fell asleep without meaning to.

Lexa was startled into consciousness when a door somewhere in the hallway are closed too roughly. It was three in the morning. Suddenly feeling wide awake, Lexa grabbed her towel, clean underwear and pajamas and shuffled down the hallway into the showering area. It reminded her of a local room at the gym, back when she didn't have her private gym. The panic from crossing the hallway subsided when she locked the door. At least she was alone. Insomnia kept her thoughts loud and if Lexa was at home she would spend an hour sitting in her bathtub.

This wasn't home though.

And there were no bathtubs.

There wasn't anything really in the bathroom area. Not even mirrors. Which was rather terrifying because the huge, blank white wall was glaring at Lexa under the bright lights. She sighed and slipped out of her clothes, self-consciously running her fingers along her prominent ribs. Maybe it was a good thing that there were no mirrors. It saved Lexa the pain of seeing herself naked. The showers didn't have a detachable head which meant Lexa had to rotate around in the shower.

It reminded her of the times before the company was transferred into her hands. Back when she only had a one-bedroom apartment and a dream. Back when she was practically nobody and yet she was perfectly content.

Lexa finished her shower and her tense shoulders relaxed slightly when she at least smelled like home. Anya packed all of her toiletries and all bottles were unopened previously to her shower which meant she went to buy them specifically for this. It made Lexa angry. But she was also grateful that it was something familiar.

After spending more time than needed in the bathroom Lexa quickly returned back to her room. It was a false feeling of security, closing the door when she knew anyone could simply open them, but it worked for now. She collapsed on the bed and stared at the ceiling. The closer it got to breakfast the faster her heart beat. Her eyes finally started drooping close when she heard doors opening and closing, distant chatter, chairs moving in the hallway. Her eyes flickered down at the watch and sighed.

The headache was back.

It got even worse when the door opened and the smell of food filled her room. Her safe space.

"Good morning," a young woman said cheerily. She was too young to be a doctor. A nurse, maybe. Maybe even an intern. The staff didn't really seem to have a uniform code. "Here's your breakfast," she said and placed the tray on the table. "I'm Maya, by the way."

"Mhm," Lexa hummed. She slowly got out of the bed, wrapping her arms around her chest, suddenly aware that she was still in her pajamas.

"Don't be shy, most residents eat breakfast in their sleepwear," Maya said.

Unlike Lincoln she didn't turn away. Maybe it had something to do with her inexperience with reading patients, or maybe she was just like that.

Lexa took a hesitant sit at the table and took off the lid. She held her breath and tried not to make a face. Maybe if she just pretended to enjoy it they would let her go. Her shaky hand betrayed her though. In front of her was some kind of weird omelet with spinach leaves and a small bowl of thick oatmeal. "Both?"

"It's not really not that much," Maya said, unhelpful.

Lexa swallowed down the knot in her throat and decided to start with the omelet. By the third bite she could already feel it coming back up and she pushed the plate away. She took a few sips of the tea and it helped but the liquid made her feel full.

Maya was staring at her expectantly.

Silently Lexa reached for the bowl and spoon. She never liked her oatmeal thick. It just looked… wrong. But now it looked even worse and she gagged on the first spoonful.

Maya set down a small amber vial, pills rattling. "Your prescribed medication. After you finish eating, of course."

Lexa tried a few more times and she heard the rest of the residents from her floor returning from the cafeteria while her tray was still mostly full. Then Maya's watch beeped.

"You have your first appointment now, but usually this is when after-breakfast activities start. Take your pills and I'll show you where we have to go," Maya said, interrupting Lexa's battle with food. She didn't leave the room when Lexa changed out of her pajamas, though she did turn around.

Feeling somewhat comfortable in her sweatpants and a college sweatshirt Lexa followed Maya to the elevator. They rode down to the ground floor. There were people there. It wasn't overcrowded and probably nobody spared Lexa even a glance but she suddenly felt very exposed. She walked past the counter and down a long hallway. Offices, she realized. There was a large main area with a sofa and a loveseat and colorful paintings. Each door was a different color. It didn't make it feel any less cold, though.

"This is your appointment," Maya said, pointing at the blue door. "She's already expecting you so just knock on the door."

Lexa hated being told what to do but she fought back a snarky reply and knocked anyway. A muffled "come in" was heard through the door and she pushed it open. The interior walls matched the door, but the pastel blue didn't bother her. A couch in the office however, did.

"Good morning," Clarke greeted. It wasn't as chipper as Maya's which Lexa was happy with. "I'm afraid I have to pull you away from today's morning activities but fear not, you can always catch up tomorrow. You can sit wherever you want."

A stiff chair or a classical therapy couch. Okay, the couch it was. Lexa took a sit and immediately crossed her legs and arms.

Clarke did the exact opposite. She uncrossed her legs and relaxed her arms on top of the journal she was holding in her lap. "How was your first night?"

Silence.

"Ah, that's the common answer. I think as today is your first official day here you should be eased into the routine. My only goal for you today is to befriend, or at least talk, to someone from your floor. The women here are very kind and friendly."

Lexa frowned. She was not going to force herself and make a friend as if it was the first day of school. She was an adult. And she had enough friends. Out there, in the real world.

"Fair enough," Clarke commented. "How about we start with something easy? Anya, perhaps."

Lexa snorted. "Anya's anything but easy," she immediately argued. "In case you haven't noticed, she got me into this mess."

"You are not a prisoner, Lexa," Clarke pointed out. "You are older than eighteen. You can always leave. And you will always be welcomed back."

Lexa felt her heart hammer inside of her chest. "I can leave?"

Clarke nodded. "This is a treatment facility. All women can freely leave, if they see it fit. Come back when they're ready or find help elsewhere."

"But all the women here," Lexa started, "they're here voluntarily?"

"We can't force women to stay. And it is not always a bad thing to ask for help. In fact, it takes a lot of courage and strength to stay here." Clarke hoped that angering Lexa would make her stay.

But Lexa nodded. "I'll leave."

"Not today," Clarke said. "You can leave tomorrow after breakfast, if that's something you will still want to do. Today, I want you to join our activities. Like I said, talk to someone. There's quite a lot of free time until lunch. Lounging around in bedrooms isn't really welcomed. There's a beautiful park outside."

"Can I call Anya?"

Clarke looked almost sympathetically as she shook her head.

"Great," Lexa sighed.

Clarke opened her journal. "Tell me about the company, then. You're a CEO, correct?"

Lexa nodded.

"What is that like?"

"It's fine."

"If I'm not wrong, you inherited the company. Do you feel guilty about it?"

Lexa shrugged. "I work hard."

"Perhaps starting at the hard stuff would be the easiest for you. Tell me about your parents."

Lexa swallowed and glanced at her watch. Not nearly as much time as she thought had passed. "They were normal parents. A little bit distant. They cared, though. Always wanted me to have the best. They tried to keep me out of the company as much as possible but they still made sure I was capable of running it. Once they retire. But they never had the chance."

Clarke nodded and scribbled something down. "How did they die?"

"Hit and run. They were leaving the restaurant when a van drove into them. They died on the scene." Lexa's voice sounded distant as she recited what she was told by the police.

"Where were you at the time of their death?"

"Inside the restaurant."

Clarke raised her eyebrows in surprise, and maybe a little bit of shock. "You were there?"

Lexa nodded.

She was there. Eating. Again. With Costia, who was drinking. Again. Maybe if Lexa had more self-control, if she would walk her parents back to their car, none of it would happen. But she wanted dessert and her parents laughed, kissed her head, and told her to go crazy.

Fucking dessert.

Clarke watched the emotions flash through Lexa's eyes.

"Losing someone is never easy. It's especially hard if you believe that you could have stopped it." It sounded like Clarke was speaking from experience, but Lexa didn't trust shrinks. Chances are her life was perfect and fixing people was just a hobby. "But I can tell you that it wouldn't have made a difference."

Lexa huffed. "You weren't there."

"True," Clarke agreed. "But if someone made no hesitation to do that to your parents I can guarantee you they wouldn't pause if you were there as well."

"Maybe that would save all of us a lot of agony," Lexa muttered. It was unintentional.

Clarke raised her head. "Do you think about that often? Creating scenarios in which you don't exist?"

Lexa held her breath. Did she? Not really. She thought about death a few times. Not in the 'I'm going to kill myself' way, but in the 'if I just happened to die, I would be okay with that'. "I'm not suicidal, if that's what you're asking," she dismissed the question.

"Hmm," Clarke hummed as she scribbled something down. "When did your relationship with food change?"

The question came unexpectedly. Lexa really thought she wasn't going to be asked about it. Not on the first day, not like this. She thought maybe if she was honest about her parents it would be a considered a plus thing and she could avoid her issues for a bit longer.

"That's absurd." Lexa tried to be defensive but it came out as a hoarse whisper.

"Do you really think so?"

Lexa cleared her throat. "Food is necessary for surviving. That's all."

Clarke pursed her lips and leaned her head to the side. "When I think of food I think about the smells first. The first impression is always visual but smell is also really important. If you have a sharp nose you can figure out what kind of ingredients were used, which spices made the dish so special. And then, it's obviously the taste. Sweet, tart, spicy, sour."

No matter how much Lexa fought it, she ended up gagging. The way Clarke was describing everything made her stomach churn uncomfortably and it settled heavily inside of her. "I think we're done."

"Perhaps."

There was no perhaps, Lexa was leaving.

Clarke stood up and walked Lexa out anyway. "I welcome you to our chess tournament. It's in the common room on the second floor. Winner gets an award."

"What's the award?"

"Dessert of choice."

Lexa just shook her head. She had no interest in a dessert of choice. Though she used to enjoy chess. Lexa took the elevator directly to her floor and realized all doors were wide open but nobody was there. Her heart hammered inside her chest at the quietness. It was unsettling. It made her skin crawl uncomfortably. When the world was quiet, her thoughts were loud. She found the common room down the hallway.

It was empty.

There were a lot of crappy, romance books that Lexa had no interest in reading. There were some history books too, but they mostly seemed to be about war or people Lexa didn't care about. One title drew her attention but she clenched her jaw and looked away, determined to find another book. Something that wasn't about… her situation. But each time she was close to pulling out some book her mind went back.

So, Lexa carefully picked it out.

"Brave girl eating," Lexa whispered out the title. It made her uncomfortable and she immediately looked around to see if anyone was there.

She was alone.

Lexa almost opened the book but guilt gnawed at her and she remembered she planned on leaving the next day anyway. She grabbed a different book, some sort of mystery judging by the title and the dark cover and settled in the lounge chair by the window. She looked outside and sighed.

She could see a basketball court and a little track field around it. Trees and benches and infinite green grass. There was even a small water stream around the area. Women out there were doing stretches and talking and laughing. They were being so… human.

"Ops sorry."

Lexa jumped in her seat, her heart in her throat as she snapped the book close.

"I'm sorry," the girl immediately apologized, sheepishly. "I didn't know anyone was here."

She couldn't have been older than seventeen.

She was a child.

"It's okay," Lexa said quietly.

The girl grinned. "I don't usually sneak up on people, but the library downstairs is full of children books or really boring young adult novels and sometimes Clarke lets me take the books from here," she explained. "I'm Tris, by the way."

"I'm Lexa."

Tris chewed on her lip thoughtful as her fingers trailed over the spines of the books.

Lexa didn't miss the scars adoring the girl's wrist. She wondered what brought her this much pain. Lexa never self-harmed. She considered it. Just once. Briefly. She was shaving her legs and for a second an image of dripping blood popped into her mind. But she shook her head and forced the thoughts to go away. Lexa pulled her legs up to her chest and opened the book.

"Do you mind if I read here? I have a roommate and her mom is visiting her so I like to give them space."

Lexa forced a smile on her lips. "How come you're not outside?"

"How come you're not outside?"

It sounded cheeky. Like any other teenager would. "I asked first."

Tris shrugged. "Didn't feel like it. You can't tell anyone but the doctors here have a soft spot for me so they let me do my own thing. You're new, right?"

"Yeah."

"The first week is the hardest. The second one is easier. But then a month passes and it's hard again. You feel almost at home by the second month, though."

Lexa sighed. "How long have you been here?"

"A month and a half. This is my second time here, though."

Second time here. The idea of leaving this place and then coming home took Lexa's breath away and she suddenly couldn't breathe. Her heart sped up and her eyes suddenly burned. She closed them and tried to take a deep breath, but instead a choked sob came out.

Embarrassed and ashamed, she dropped the book and ran down the hallway to where her room was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the portrayal is accurate. If you find anything unsettling or have issues with something written let me know.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this needs to be written as a trigger warning but I'll do it anyway: vomiting (not purging though)

Lexa stayed isolated in her room for the rest of the day. Her stomach was hurting and she was having sweaty chills so she lied down in the bed and fell asleep.

They didn't wake her up for lunch which Lexa was surprised about. She only knew she missed something because there was a water bottle on her table, next to an apple. She drank the water and left the apple.

She couldn't skip dinner, though.

Lincoln was back, kind as always. He quietly placed the tray on the table and turned around. Lexa shuffled to the chair and sat down. Did today's plate look even bigger than yesterday's? Her stomach rolled at the idea. She really wasn't feeling well.

Lexa played with food instead of eating, her fork messily picking the meat apart into smaller pieces to try and make it look somewhat less intimidating. She ate a few baby potatoes before her mind wandered back to the girl from the common room.

The tray was still full when Lincoln carried it away and Lexa knew her eating (or her lack of eating) was going to be reported to the doctors.

After dinner group therapy was scheduled. Which literally forced Lexa out of her room. The common room that she was previously in was now set up with chairs put in a circle. Lexa realized each floor had their own group. When she took a seat, as close to the exit as possible, some women stared at her but they just seemed curious. Their eyes didn't seem judgmental or harsh.

"Good afternoon, how has your day been?" a woman asked, walking in the room. Lexa remembered her. Raven something. She was there when she arrived. She also saw her breakdown.

A few murmured "good" or "okay" while the rest of them stayed silent.

Raven took a seat. Her chair was different and it seemed like everyone else already knew the routine anyway. "Let's start with goals. Who accomplished them today?"

Almost everyone raised their hands, but those who didn't did not seem to upset about it. Lexa's forehead creased in confusion.

"They'll tell you about goals tomorrow at your morning session," a woman next to Lexa whispered. "But they just really make you come up with little daily goals for you to achieve. Something to look forward to."

Lexa nodded and she really was grateful but she didn't dare to make eye-contact with the kind lady next to her.

"That's awesome," Raven cheered. "As you know, tomorrow is Friday. Which means before dinner you will have your weekly private check-ups."

"But it's also movie night," someone chimed in.

Raven laughed. "Yeah, it is. As always, the poll is on the desk behind me so you can vote on which movie you want to see. Now, to the actual group therapy. Does anyone have anything to say, ask maybe?"

"Where are we going on Saturday?"

"As always, Harper, I'm letting it be a surprise. Any actual questions?"

Lexa wondered what was happening on Saturday. But then again, she was still determined to leave so she wasn't about to stay to find out.

Raven nodded. "Okay." She was about to continue when she got interrupted.

"My daughters came by to visit today," one of the women said. It sounded heavy but she also sounded excited and relieved.

Raven smiled but she didn't say anything.

"I was really nervous at first, because it's always been my husband who visited. But I haven't seen my girls for almost a month and he said they've been missing me. I wasn't letting them close before. Because I knew that my behavior wasn't… healthy… And I didn't want them thinking it was okay not to eat."

Lexa clenched her jaw for some reason.

"They were so happy to see me. They were laughing and smiling and I showed them the park. And my eldest one said that she misses me very much but that I'm happier now and that I look really cuddly so she'll let me stay for a little longer."

Lexa gritted her teeth so much that it hurt.

"I am very, very proud of you," Raven said. She was completely serious but her eyes were twinkling excitedly. "Come on group, clap for your girl."

The group clapped, even Lexa, though her hands barely made any audible noise.

"Anyone else had a good day? Or a bad day?" Raven asked.

"I'm hungry," one of the women blurted out and everyone looked at her in shock. Even Raven. "I ate everything. Even licked the plates. You can ask Rachel." One of the women nodded and Lexa assumed that was Rachel. "And yet, I'm still craving food."

Crave. Hunger. Lexa didn't remember the last time she actually felt either. Well, she remembered when but she didn't remember how they felt like. Nowadays her stomach either hurt or it didn't hurt. She didn't eat in either scenario, unless Anya was force-feeding her.

"That's," Raven started, almost in awe, "incredible."

Lexa took a look at the woman. She was big, as in tall and somewhat muscular. She looked familiar but Lexa didn't know where to place her. Until her name was said and Lexa realized she was an athlete and she represented USA at the Olympics once.

Women around her started chatting but Lexa just wanted to pull her feet on her chair and hide. She was feeling nauseous and tired. Raven quieted them down and they started discussing something but to Lexa it was just a background noise.

The white noise ringing in her ears didn't stop until she closed the door to her room. Slowly everything came back to focus and Lexa leaned against the wall, taking deep breaths. She left the common room so quickly that she forgot to vote on the silly movie poll. She thought she could get away with it but someone knocked on her door.

"Hi. I'm Emori." It was the woman with daughters, Lexa remembered. She realized Emori had a distinctive face tattoo. It looked interesting and she couldn't believe she missed it before. "Anyway, I figured you wouldn't be comfortable going back so here's the poll. Just make a tick next to whatever sounds the best."

Lexa accepted the paper and the pen and tried to ignore how much her hands trembled. She looked at the options. Miss Congeniality. Ghostbusters. The newest one. And then Fast & Furious 4, which seemed kind of random.

"We've already seen the first three," Emori explained.

"Oh." Lexa didn't really particularly care. She just circled the first one and handed the paper and pen back. Emori smiled at her but Lexa didn't have the strength to smile back. Or to even say thank you. She just closed the door and then felt guilty about being rude.

Lexa collapsed on the bed and grabbed the plush toy Anya packed. She felt stupid and lonely but it still smelled like home so it helped. Lexa fell asleep without a shower and with the lights still on. When she woke up it was past two in the morning and the only thing she was aware of was that her stomach was hurting. A lot. She ran to the bathroom, falling on her knees in front of the toilet and raised the seat just in time.

It was messy, gross, and painful.

Her stomach was still contracting and Lexa cried.

She must have been loud and woken someone up because her door opened and someone entered her room.

Lexa cried harder and choked on her own tears before she leaned in the toilet again.

"Lexa?"

It was Clarke.

"I won't enter the bathroom, okay? I'll place something that should calm down your stomach on the table along with some ginger tea."

Lexa just whimpered. She wasn't sure if Clarke could hear her, but she hoped she couldn't. She was so embarrassed. Her stomach was rejecting everything she ate that day and her thoughts went back to the girl at the group therapy.

When was the last time Lexa ate all her meals? Or when was the last time she enjoyed it? It must have been around her parents' death. She had been having issues for a while before the restaurant incident but it definitely got worse afterwards. Costia had gotten worse. The constant nagging, the workload from suddenly taking over. It was all taking a toll on Lexa.

And then Costia left.

Out of the blue, without a warning, just when Lexa needed her the most.

Maybe it was Lexa's fault for having to depend on someone else. But she didn't know how to deal with everything on her own. Anya wanted to help but Lexa wasn't letting her close enough and she wasn't really listening to her.

Lexa needed to learn how to listen. Or at least she needed to stop getting defensive whenever Anya offered to help. She knew it was never about the company. It was always about her health.

Heaving into a toilet really cleared Lexa's mind.

The rest of the night was equally rough. Even after she left the bathroom, teeth brushed, tea drank and the pill taken, her stomach was still bothered and it kept Lexa up for most of the night. She was almost happy to see the sun come up.

Breakfast was different. She had crackers, more ginger tea, and a granola bar. She realized they did this just for her. But Maya was quieter than the day before and Lexa actually enjoyed the crackers; the two or three she actually ate. And the tea. She was a tea person. If she wasn't such a coward she would have went into the cafeteria for more tea.

Lexa took a shower after breakfast, she felt gross after spending the night throwing up, and followed the women on her floor outside. It was chilly from the morning breeze and she felt lonely when she hid away from the group by taking a sit on the furthest bench.

It was easy to stay behind and just breathe. Well, maybe breathing came a little harder than staying behind.

After the morning outing it was time for the doctors to do their check-ups. They didn't do everyone at once and Lexa was surprised when a doctor came in her bedroom. Carrying a scale and a measure tape and all that.

"Good morning. I'm Doctor Blake. Or well, the better-looking Doctor Blake. But you can just call me Octavia," the woman introduced herself.

"She's our eating disorder specialist," Clarke explained before leaving them alone.

Somehow the name of the... disorder… made Lexa cringe.

Octavia smiled kindly. "I've heard you had a rough night."

Lexa shrugged.

"Now, I must ask. Did you try to make yourself sick?"

"No," Lexa replied loudly and maybe a little bit too fast, but just the memory of gagging into the toilet made her stomach unsettle so she really didn't want to talk about it.

If Octavia was suspicious, she didn't show it. "Okay. Let's step on the scale, okay?" Lexa kicked off her slippers and stepped on it. Her eyes shut tightly in fear. Octavia didn't say anything, though. She just scribbled something down. And then Lexa measured her waist and she tried her best not to look at the numbers. "Let's sit down," Octavia suggested, motioning to the chairs by the table. "Your weight is down, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt for today and blame it on the vomiting."

Lexa just stared at her, too numb to respond.

"I want to introduce you to our goals," Octavia continued and gave Lexa a pad of sticky notes. "The idea is to write two goals. One weekly and one daily. You don't have to pressure yourself and if you miss it, you simply leave it for the next day or week. It's an easy way for you to keep up with your personal achievements. And again, start small. You don't have to write down _gain weight_ , maybe something as simple as _don't get sick_."

"I want to call my cousin," Lexa said instead.

Octavia's forehead creased but eventually she nodded. "Write down today's goal and then we'll take you to the lobby."

Lexa grabbed the pen and bounced her knees, trying to think of something. All she kept thinking was Octavia's idea and it felt like it would be stealing it if she wrote it down. But eventually she gave up and quickly scribbled it on the colorful paper.

**Don't get sick**

"Good," Octavia praised as if she just accomplished something major.

Afterwards Lexa followed Clarke down to the lobby where the phones were. Lexa dialed the number, she knew it by heart. She was always good at remembering phone numbers.

"Anya Woods."

Lexa could have cried at how good it felt to hear her voice again. "It's me, Lexa," she said quietly.

Anya's breath came out in a weird hitch that was heard even through the phone. "Lexa? Are you okay?"

"I want to go home," Lexa whimpered, fighting her emotions as much as possible.

"Okay," Anya said and it sounded like she was ready to pack her things and come pick Lexa up.

"But," Lexa breathed out, continuing. "I think I need to stay. I feel like I have to. I got sick last night from eating." The only response from Anya was steady breathing. "I've never gotten sick before from just eating. I think you were right." And this time Lexa's voice broke and so did her resolve because she could feel tears trailing down her cheeks. Octavia was at a respectful distance, body averted. "I miss you."

"I miss you too, kiddo," Anya choked out. "So much. It feels so empty without you. Are you okay? Are they nice?"

"Yeah," Lexa whispered. "They're okay. I wish you could come visit."

"Soon," Anya promised. "I'll be there as soon as possible."

Lexa sniffed and wiped her wet cheeks with her sleeve. Octavia turned towards her. "I have to go. I think. I'll call you when I can."

"Just get better, yeah?" Anya said.

"Get better," Lexa repeated, the words sounding odd coming from her. "I'll try. Love you."

"Love you too, kiddo."

Anya hung up first and Lexa was grateful because she wasn't sure if she had the strength. Her fingers itched to dial the number again and take everything back and beg Anya to come pick her up.

"Let's go talk to my brother about your anemia," Octavia said, gently pulling Lexa away from the phones.

If Lexa was paying close attention she would hear Octavia talk about her brother, but her ears were ringing and she was missing home. They entered an office, it looked similar to Clarke's but the wall colors were different.

"I'm Doctor Bellamy Blake," he introduced himself.

Lexa's eyes flickered between his name tag and Octavia's.

"I'm her big brother," he explained proudly. "And I'm a nutritionist." Lexa just sat down. "Because of your iron deficiency we will take you to the hospital sometime next week to get another set of blood tests done but in the meantime your diet will pretty much stay the same. I still want you to continue taking iron pills two times a day and because of how little you eat we will make sure you're getting the most of out. Orange juice, or Vitamin C in general, helps your body absorb more iron."

Lexa hasn't felt the effects from taking iron pills yet. Her skin was still pale and she still felt fatigued.

"Now, about your diet, you haven't been eating much," he stated and it wasn't an accusation but it stung nonetheless. "Which is okay, you don't want to overstuff and get sick. We want to work your stomach up to taking full meals. It's important to eat breakfast and dinner. If you really feel like you can't eat anymore you can skip but lunch but you should always at least take a bite because sometimes having a taste will work up your appetite."

Lexa nodded and avoided eye contact.

"Have you been talking to Clarke?"

"Yes," she answered quietly.

Bellamy smiled. "After you settle into a routine, it's going to feel better. Meals will come easier, as long as you keep trying. Make sure you cooperate in group therapy and check up with Clarke regularly. And maybe eventually you can join one of the activities we have going on."

Maybe Lexa looked up with too much interest because he immediately continued.

"Chess, music class, art, a few outdoor activities," he explained. "Don't be embarrassed to engage in things you used to enjoy."

As she was leaving his office she realized she didn't particularly like Bellamy. He seemed to know too much and it bothered her. Or maybe it bothered her because he was right. He seemed polite enough. They all seemed kind and polite. And warm.

"Anything else?" Lexa asked.

Octavia shook her head. "If you want you can take a nap before we wake you up for lunch."

Lexa didn't feel particularly tired but she did want some more tea. She bit her lip and looked around. She almost asked but instead she entered her room.

It was nearing lunch time and Lexa knew they would bring it to her room but she really, really wanted more ginger tea. Her stomach felt better but it still cramped every once in a while. She went in the common room, searching for someone, but it was visitation hours and most of the women seemed to be busy.

Tris was there though, reading a book.

"Hi," Lexa whispered.

She looked up in surprise. "Hi," she echoed.

Lexa nervously shuffled her feet. "Um, do you know where the cafeteria is?"

The question was stupid, of course she knew. But Tris didn't mock her. Instead she nodded. "Do you want me to show you? Or do you want me to bring something to you?"

Lexa's hear hammered in her chest. She was offering to get it for her. Lexa knew she should have been the adult and decline but she ended up nodding.

Tris brought her back the warm tea in a clean water bottle, saying that's how she used to sneak juice in her room instead of constantly drinking it from the cups.

Lexa managed a tight-lipped, awkward smile and hoped she looked half as grateful as she felt. She sipped the tea slowly and really tried to avoid getting too full or sick again from the warm liquid. She laid on her bed and tried to figure out a way to get her life in order. Or at least the day. She had a session with Clarke scheduled right before the movie.

Lunch came too soon and Lexa sat down at the table, staring at the meal. It was a small bowl of salad with chicken meat and a bowl of fruit. Along with orange juice and her iron pill. She picked out a few pieces of chicken. Drank the juice. Ate two blueberries and took the pill. It was embarrassing how little she managed to eat but she didn't want to overdo it. "May I keep the fruit?" she asked in a tiny voice.

The fruit stayed and Lexa went in the common room to get a book and fight the boredom. Tris was there again. "Hey, would you like some fruit?"

By the time dinner came Tris had eaten the fruit and disappeared to her own floor. There was no dessert, and Lexa didn't really care, and the portion was smaller than the one from the day before. She felt full but forced herself to take a few bites. Meat and vegetables. Just enough to make sure she was getting some iron. It was nowhere near enough but the plate Lincoln carried away didn't look as full.

Lexa had fifteen minutes before her appointment with Clarke and an hour until the movie. The floor was buzzing with conversations and noises and the common room turned into a board game room. She was almost curious about it but decided to just head down to Clarke's office and wait there.

Clarke stepped out of her office and raised her head in surprise. "Hi, your appointment is not for another ten minutes."

Lexa shrugged.

"That eager to get rid of me?" Clarke joked. She opened the door. "Come on in, then."

"You were going somewhere," Lexa pointed out. "I can wait."

"Nonsense. We're both here. And we don't want to make you late for the movie night," Clarke said.

Lexa took a seat on the couch, shuffling around a little until she found a comfortable position while Clarke grabbed her things and sat down on her office chair. Her desk was a mess of papers.

"You're still here," Clarke said. She didn't sound surprised, just neutral cheerily.

"Yes."

Clarke nodded. Lexa expected to hear something so cliché that would make her feel embarrassed for the rest of the day but instead what Clarke said was "thank you".

"For what?" Lexa muttered in surprise.

"For trusting us to help you," Clarke answered and Lexa cringed a little. "And thank you for trusting yourself enough to stay here." Lexa looked uncomfortable and Clarke didn't push further. "Octavia told me you called your cousin today."

Lexa wasn't sure if she was allowed so she nodded guilty.

"Phone calls aren't something you have to earn," Clarke assured her. "We just want to make sure you don't depend on the contact from the outside world. Would you mind sharing with me what you talked about?"

"I just… We… I said I wanted to go home. But that I think I have to stay. I need to give this a chance," Lexa admitted.

"You didn't want to talk about Anya the last time. What about today?"

Lexa shrugged. "She's my only living relative. She's family. She had a hard childhood, my parents helped her as much as they could but my aunt wasn't the kindest. And then she died so they took her in. I know she just wants to help. I miss her."

Clarke nodded. "That's okay. We can schedule weekly phone calls for now. Sundays maybe? That way you can talk to her about the field trips."

Lexa's heart hammered at the thought of leaving this facility, just as she has gotten somewhat comfortable in her room.

"Let's talk about your goals. Do you have one set for this week?" Lexa shook her head. "You can think about it till Sunday and then have it ready by the start of the next week. What about today's goal?"

Lexa's mind went back to the pathetic scribble on the orange sticky note. "I guess."

"What was it?"

"Not to get sick."

Clarke hummed. "That's a good one." Lexa gave her a look that disagreed. "It is," Clarke argued. "It's a good start. Great even. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. That's why we're here."

It was a joke, Lexa knew, but her forced laughter came out as a choke and she just sighed afterwards. She was trying though.

"About tomorrow's fieldtrip, or well, fieldtrips in general, we have a few rules. The alarms go off at six thirty and there's going to be light breakfast. Unless you prefer to rise early, I suggest showering in the evening. There's going to be buses waiting outside and dress appropriately for weather. We have umbrellas stored so you don't have to worry about rain. Meals will be provided. We usually return in time for dinner," Clarke briefed her in.

"Where are we going?"

Clarke smiled. "I can't tell you that. It's a surprise. We try to do different things each week. If tomorrow's activities aren't your cup of tea, don't worry, because next week might be. Oh, and here's a list of activities we do here."

Clarke handed Lexa a piece of paper and Lexa was almost surprised at how much there was to do. She realized Clarke gave her the paper, not lent it, so she folded it in half and slipped it in her sweatshirt's pocket.

"I think you're making progress," Clarke eventually said, when Lexa stubbornly refused to speak. "You're trying, which is important. We'll start scheduling our appointments. I think twice a week sounds okay for now. Do you agree?"

Lexa nodded because it's not like she could disagree.

"If you ever need to talk, someone will always be available at all times. We're doing floor rotations so it may not always be me on your floor but you've met most of us and we'll always do our best to help," Clarke continued professionally.

Lexa sighed, feeling drained from the day and the lack of sleep.

Clarke smiled sympathetically. "You can try eating in the cafeteria on Monday. If you feel uncomfortable or if it's too much you can always ask to eat in your room."

There was a moment of panic when Lexa realized eating in cafeteria meant eating in front of others and most importantly eating when other people could see her eat. But she appreciated the heads up and the time she had to prepare for it.

"We'll also start working on your panic attack and anxiety."

"Anxiety?"

Clarke looked towards Lexa's hands where her nails messily pulled at the tender skin below her fingernail. "We'll just talk about it."

It somehow didn't sound reassuring and Lexa practically ran out of her office once the time was up. The movie that was playing was Fast & Furious and Lexa had no interest in it. She zoned out during most of it, chewing on her fingernails and the skin around them even as she felt the sting and tasted the blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> college started again so my updates may come with a slight delay but I will still try to do them weekly
> 
> I've never been to a treatment center so if you have any good insights or feel like I should correct someone please let me know


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't been getting a lot of comments which makes me think i'm either a) doing something wrong or b) doing something so good none of you have anything to add 
> 
> but if you can, please do leave a comment below and let me know what you think so far

Lexa had somewhat of a goodnight sleep. She drank a bit of tea just before bed and she was freshly showered and she hugged the plush raccoon tightly, feeling like a child but missing the way home smelled. Maybe she had gotten a little bit spoiled since taking over as a CEO. She had always liked organization and tidiness but after all the money started pouring in she hired people to do it for her. Now, the cleaning staff knew exactly what cleaning items to use for Lexa to be satisfied and she liked the way the bathroom was organized and how polished the wooden floors were.

There were no wooden floors in the treatment center. It didn't smell like home. And the shared bathroom caused Lexa so much anxiety that she showered in freezing cold water and then spent the next fifteen minutes shivering under her duvet.

It was Lexa's first Saturday and her heart was beating way too fast, the thumping in her ears keeping her from being able to sleep. Luckily the alarm went off just a few minutes later and Lexa rushed to change out of her pajamas. She hated letting others see her in her sleeping attire. It made her feel exposed.

Maya came in with breakfast and she smiled politely and cheerfully greeted and it annoyed Lexa but she just murmured a greeting back. Her breakfast was muesli with cut up fruit and Lexa didn't entirely hate it. She had gotten used to the idea of at least three meals a day, but eating them was obviously still a big issue.

Lexa focused on her iron intake a bit more and made sure she drank the juice and took the pill before eating, even though it felt like her stomach ran out of space for actual food. Instead of the usual routine of going outside for a walk, everyone seemed to be leaving their rooms and started gathering in the lobby. Lexa felt odd leaving, going somewhere, without her personal belongings. But she followed the crowd. She didn't want to be left behind when one of the staff would be going around to make sure everyone was out of their room.

There was one thing that made Lexa stop abruptly walking. She was not comfortable with buses. Scratch that, she wasn't comfortable with the idea of being essentially trapped in a bus along with fifty other people. Maybe she had gotten too used to the privilege of having her own person vehicle, or driving with Anya, but just the sight of the bus made her palms sweaty and her heart race.

"If you're not comfortable with the bus ride we can give you some Xanax," Clarke said calmly, as if it wasn't a big deal that Lexa was sweating while thinking about going on a bus ride.

"No, thank you," Lexa declined and Raven stopped counting everyone and the group moved towards the exit. Her breaths started coming out as pants and she was pretty sure Clarke and everyone around her could hear her heart hammering.

Clarke gently wrapped her fingers around Lexa's wrist. "It's okay. A lot of people need help getting through the car ride. I won't give you the highest dose and it won't make you fall asleep. Just enough to calm your neuro system."

"Okay," Lexa croaked out because she truly wasn't sure if she was going to make it on the bus otherwise. She accepted the tiny pill and swallowed it down without taking a sip of the water from the bottle Clarke was offering.

It was probably the placebo effect but Lexa could feel her heartbeat slowing down. Now she understood why everyone was encouraging her to make friends because Lexa didn't know anyone. Except for maybe Emori, but she was already sitting next to another woman, her facial tattoo unmistaken.

"You can sit with me," Tris offered sweetly and scooted over to the window seat.

"Are you sure?" Lexa really wanted to, especially since Tris was sitting close to the front exit and Lexa was able to look out through the large glass window in front of the driver. Tris nodded so Lexa took a seat. Maybe that Xanax was hitting harder than expected because Lexa's eyes started drooping but she wasn't tired enough to fall asleep.

"It's okay," Tris said as the bus started moving. "I took one too. I can't read on the bus and sitting still makes my thoughts too loud."

Lexa didn't fully understand but she nodded and relaxed. She had to keep reminding herself that all the women on this bus struggled with the same or similar things. And now she wished she would have given Anya the opportunity to find help together. She didn't know anything about the Ark but Anya seemed to and she obviously called beforehand.

Her eyes caught a sight of a boy. He seemed to be the only boy in the facility and he couldn't have been older than fourteen. He was tiny and pale.

"That's Aden," Tris told her. "He's trans but the treatment center for adolescents refused to take him in because of it. The doctors are cool with it but I feel bad cause he's the only guy."

"Oh."

"He's bulimic," Tris continued. She didn't seem to have any reservations. "He's my new roommate, so we talk."

Lexa frowned. "Why didn't you sit next to him then?"

"He likes to sit alone. His knees bounce like crazy even with the Xanax."

Another glance at the boy and she realized Tris was right. He was restless, at least with his legs. With a sigh Lexa leaned back in the chair and focused on the window ahead of them. She hoped the drive wasn't long because she was already feeling jittery. Tris fell asleep, or at least her eyes were closed and she looked peaceful so Lexa tried not to bother her.

They pulled into a wide driveway and Lexa recognized the place. She must have said the name of the building out loud because Clarke, who was sitting two rows before her turned around.

"You know this place?"

Lexa nodded. "Anya and I volunteer here a lot," she spoke in her business tone.

It felt claustrophobic and humiliating entering the animal shelter with the group from rehab. Lexa's head was hung low and she really hoped she wouldn't get recognized.

"Lexa?"

Never mind.

Lexa swallowed harshly and looked up. "Nyko," she greeted calmly.

He didn't look at her with pity in his eyes and he didn't seem disgusted or shocked to see her there. His face remained neutrally friendly, the way Lexa knew it and he even smiled. "It's been a while," he said. "Glad to have you back, Pauna missed you."

Pauna was the name of an elder black mutt. He was in his last stages of life and Lexa loved him. She would consider adopting him but he had gotten comfortable in the shelter and she knew he had the medical support he needed. "Missed him too," Lexa whispered.

The shelter didn't look any different just because Lexa was here under different circumstances. Nothing felt different, except nothing felt the same and she felt confused and a little restless. They were given a tour before they started passing out gloves and cleaning supplies to help clean the kennels.

"Hey buddy," Lexa murmured, dropping down on her knees in front of Pauna. Though the dog wasn't exactly active he never ignored her entrance either. Lexa slowly approached him and got a faint tail wiggle and gently petted him. His food bowl was full. His water bowl was spilled. Lexa sat down next to him and let the dog nuzzle his cold nose in her hands.

"He's been doing poorly for the past week," Nyko said. He knew he would find Lexa in Pauna's cage. "We try to keep him comfortable but he's getting weaker."

Lexa nodded with a sigh. This was probably the last time she was going to see him. "Keep Anya updated."

"Will do."

Lexa stroked his head and scratched his ear. "I hope he's not in too much pain."

Nyko shook his head. "He's strong."

Lexa gave him one last hug before getting up. The group was spread around all over the animal shelter. Some were outside, others were inside. Lexa decided to stay inside only because she realized most of the group rushed outside to talk dogs for a walk.

The cat section was mostly empty and Lexa found solace in the kittens. She noticed she wasn't the only one, Clarke was there too looking infatuated by a black kitten with just one eye.

"Do you have any pets?" Clarke asked and Lexa startled because she thought Clarke couldn't hear her approach.

"No," Lexa answered curtly. She didn't really have a lot of time for a pet. That was a lie. She could have gotten a fish if she wanted to. But Lexa always wanted a dog. Not much of a guard dog, as just a sweet canine companion. "Do you?" she asked, wanting to be polite.

Clarke smiled. "I do not. Always wanted a cat, but I'm far too busy at the moment. Maybe in a few years."

Lexa hummed thoughtfully. She bit her lip, feeling curious about the treatment center. "Is it hard?"

"Is what hard?"

"This. Us." The treatment center. The women who needed help.

"No. I knew what I was going into and I have no regrets. Maybe a bit more vacation days would help," Clarke joked. "Helping others isn't a burden. It feels right. I wouldn't have it any other way."

Lexa nodded and then fell silent. Her thoughts went back to Pauna. She should have taken him in when she had the chance. Even if he was old and sickly and preferred sleeping to going on walks. Lexa's heart hammered inside her chest and she collapsed on the floor, hiccupping through sudden tears. She hadn't cried this much in years.

Clarke noticed something was wrong right away. She didn't want to invade Lexa's space but the shallow breathing and then hiccupped sobs worried her. "May I sit next to you?"

Lexa nodded, wiping her tear stained cheeks feverishly but they kept being replaced by fresh tears.

"What upset you?" Clarke asked softly.

Lexa opened her mouth to answer but she couldn't talk through the tears. "I'm sorry," she whimpered instead.

"You have nothing to apologize for. The first week is overwhelming and embarrassing and a little bit painful," Clarke pointed out. "You don't have to pretend to not be feeling something you are because you think it would make this process end sooner."

Listening to Clarke's voice helped somewhat and Lexa's sobs quieted down into silent tears. "There's a dog here. Um, Pauna is his name. He's old, probably dying soon. I've always… I wanted to adopt him but I thought he'd be more comfortable here. And now, he's gonna die soon and I won't be there because I'm… not home."

"You regret never taking him in," Clarke realized.

Lexa shrugged. She wasn't even sure what she was upset. Pauna was her favorite dog in the shelter but her world wasn't going to be that much different once he passes away.

Clarke reached for the kitten that was chewing on her shoe and placed it on her lap. "You still want to go home."

"Home's familiar."

"You can still leave."

Lexa shook her head, wiping her damp cheeks. "I don't think I can. I think… I think I need to follow this through. Be at least a third of the person I used to be."

Clarke nodded, her attention still on the kitten. She realized Lexa was far more comfortable opening up when there was no eye contact. "And who did you use to be?"

"Someone who was able to eat cold pizza at three in the morning and love it," Lexa said so softly that Clarke would have missed it if she would breathe a little louder. But then Lexa inhaled sharply and she abruptly stood up, feeling ashamed about what she just said and left the room with Clarke and kittens. She walked outside and finally relaxed when she was able to take a few deep breaths.

"Do you want to walk a dog?"

Lexa turned towards Bellamy, almost scared by his voice. She had gotten so used to being surrounded by women. A walk sounded nice though. Her thoughts were racing and maybe it would help. "Yes."

"Which one?"

Lexa shrugged. "I don't mind."

Bellamy nodded. He nodded towards one of the staff at the shelter and two leashed dogs were brought to them. "May I join you?"

"I suppose." Lexa took a hold of one of the dogs and they started walking.

Bellamy chuckled. "You know, you probably have no idea but my sister's first job was at your company."

Lexa raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Yeah. She was just freshly legal and had no business experiences whatsoever, but she was really excited to start earning money for herself. I was already working with Clarke at the time, but Clarke wanted someone with work experience and Octavia worked her ass off for a couple of years."

"So, she quit to work with you?"

Bellamy laughed. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. Med school was expensive though, so she needed the job anyway. I just want to say that she really admires you and everything you've done."

Lexa clenched her jaw. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you need to know that you're not a patient or someone who needs pity. You're a business woman. And it's on all of us to get you healthy again so you can employ more clueless college kids and volunteer at places like this," he said. "Don't let this bring you down."

Don't let this be the end of you.

Lexa released a shaky breath and took a few steps in front of Bellamy to avoid talking to him some more. She heard laughter and her eyes searched for the source of it. Tris and Aden were rolling around on the grass, the dogs jumping around them. They seemed so normal. So childlike. Lexa wished she could be more like them.

"Friendships found in places like this are really special," a woman spoke and Lexa couldn't remember her name. "I'm Harper."

"Lexa."

"I know. You're not easy to miss," Harper said and Lexa looked momentarily frightened. "It's a good thing."

Lexa nodded, swallowing hard. "Friendship?" she repeated.

Harper smiled. "Or a relationship."

Lexa followed Harper's gaze until it landed on a girl with a mohawk. "Is that allowed?"

"Yes. It is natural."

The words came out harsh and Lexa frowned until she realized how she sounded. "No, I didn't mean like that. I meant, relationships between patients."

Harper's tense shoulders dropped. "Yes. Though they do make you change rooms if you share them. But the staff doesn't have to know she sneaks back inside after lights out."

The corners of Lexa's lips twitched upwards and she almost smiled. Almost. And for a brief moment this felt like a walk in the park. Until lunch was called and she was brought back to the harsh reality of tuna sandwiches.

It would have been okay if she was in the safety of her current bedroom in The Ark, but she was outside in the garden in front of the animal shelter and everyone else was there too. Her hands were so shaky she was barely able to unwrap the sandwich and thinking about eating in the cafeteria made her stomach clench so painful that she grimaced. She took a small bite and swallowed it down without chewing. She remembered that she was supposed to take a small bite and taste it but everyone was eating so fast she felt rushed. They really weren’t eating fast, Lexa was just painfully slow. She ate just enough to get to the tuna part and then she wrapped up the sandwich and threw it in the trash can when everyone else was collecting their trash. She drank the juice though and it made her feel better.

They took a walk around the shelter, up to the hill and Lexa hated how quickly her heart started pounding. She used to run marathons. She was fast and strong. And now she lost all her muscle definition and her heart couldn't take too much strain. Even if she worked out daily in her private gym.

They were standing on the top and staring at the view. It was beautiful, Lexa realized. But it didn't make the knot in her throat or the pain in her stomach go away.

"Lexa," Tris whispered. "Follow me."

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows and almost decided not to but Tris seemed worried and she didn't want her to panic. They sneaked away from the group to the patch of grass where Aden was kneeling on. "What's wrong?" Lexa asked.

"I, uh… He said he wanted to throw up, but if he keeps purging they're gonna send him back to the hospital and I can't talk him out of it," Tris murmured, chewing on her bottom lip.

Lexa sat down on the grass. "Hey, I'm Lexa."

He didn't look up. "I'm Aden. I'm sorry that she dragged you away. I told her I'll take care of it myself."

"I don't mind. How old are you?" She just needed to keep him talking.

"Sixteen."

He looked smaller.

Aden sighed. "I know I look younger. And my voice is still high. I haven't been on hormones for long enough yet." He sat back on the heels of his feet. "Doctor Griffin helps when she can, but being on anti-depressants and hormones at the same time sucks."

"What did you enjoy most about today?" Lexa found herself asking.

"Puppies," Aden replied thoughtfully. "We found a pregnant stray dog once and she had puppies in our house. We gave them away but I really wanted to keep one. There wasn't any space though."

Lexa nodded. She brought her knees up to her chest and when she glanced up she realized Clarke was staring directly at them. For a second she worried they were going to get yelled at but Clarke looked away. "I've always wanted a dog, too. What's your favorite breed?"

"I don't know."

"Me neither."

Aden finally relaxed and looked up at Tris who was still standing. "What's your favorite breed?"

"French bulldogs," Tris replied without hesitation. She looked relieved when Aden asked her a question and Lexa took it as a sign that they were going to be okay. Today anyway. She was going to worry about tomorrow later. It seemed silly that she was hanging out with the two youngest people currently living in the treatment facility but Tris was perky and outspoken and Aden was quiet and bright and Lexa thought that listening to them bicker the way teens do, sounded a lot like home; when Anya's biggest worry wasn't whether Lexa was eating and Lexa wasn't consumed in her personal hell.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was NOWHERE near ready for all the wonderful comments I have received. Thank you so much. Don't feel obliged to comment on each chapter because I'm suddenly nervous I have expectations to meet. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. I love writing it.

The rest of the Saturday and Sunday passed by uneventful and in the same way. After the field trip Lexa was exhausted and probably gotten the best night of sleep she had since she arrived at the treatment. And on Sunday she called Anya. It wasn't long, they talked for less than five minutes but Lexa told her about Pauna and Tris and Aden. She didn't tell her about their problems but just how they reminded her of home, when Anya and she were younger.

And Anya sounded relieved when they said their goodbyes. She knew that Lexa was doing okay. She wasn't good yet. Maybe not even fine. But she was okay. And she was trying.

But then Monday came and with it the terrible anxiety about eating around others. Lexa woke up at five in the morning, her rapid heartbeat keeping her awake and she decided to take a shower instead. She realized she usually showered when she had nothing else to do. And she preferred to do it around the hours when no one else was awake and the hallway was pitch dark, except for that one street light providing just enough brightness that Lexa didn't crash into a wall.

She realized how little she still knew about the women on the floor and how she only visited the library common room. She hadn't been to other floors yet and she never spoke to anyone. Emori smiled at her sometimes, if she saw her in the hallway, and Harper waved, but no one approached her. Even Tris only talked to her in the library.

By the time everyone else was starting to wake up Lexa was already dressed and back in her bed. She didn't care if her sweatpants or college sweatshirt would get wrinkled from laying on the bed. She realized nobody came in her room. It was probably a test, to see if Lexa was going to go on her own and Lexa almost took the bait. She could skip breakfast and stay in bed a little longer. But she was getting antsy and the noises were starting to dial down which meant the other women were already making their way to the cafeteria.

Lexa still didn't know where that was.

She left her room and quickly shuffled down the stairs. Waiting for an elevator at breakfast time would be impossible. She knew it would stop on each floor. Lexa found her way to the lobby and then just followed the crowd.

With a deep breath, she pushed through the door.

The cafeteria was a lot like a high school one, Lexa realized. She didn't know if this was a breakfast situation only but there were tables set up with different kinds of food. Jugs filled with hot milk, and hot tea. Steaming coffee pot. Juice cartons. Lexa realized she had options. And that she was the one who was able to control how much food she took.

Maybe it was a terrible idea, giving Lexa the power of controlling her food intake. She grabbed a bowl and poured some oatmeal into it and splashed hot milk into it. There was a bowl of fresh berries and another bowl of cut up bananas. Lexa scooped up some berries and a spoonful of bananas. She mixed her bowl and looked around trying to find somewhere to seat. Most women opted for toast and butter and different kinds of spreads. Bread felt too heavy for breakfast. At least at the point in life Lexa currently was. It used to be okay. And maybe in a few months it would be okay again.

Lexa didn't want to sit next to Aden and Tris, even though their table was empty. They seemed to be okay on their own. Emori smiled and Lexa felt guilty for not being kinder to her but she shakily made her way to the table and sit down.

"First breakfast in the ol' fancy cafeteria?" Emori asked.

Lexa nodded curtly and tried really hard to smile but it came out as a grimace.

"By tomorrow's breakfast this place will feel like your own dining room," Emori reassured her.

"Do you pick your lunch and dinner too, or is that just for breakfast?" Lexa found herself asking. She really wanted to know but she didn't think she had the courage of asking. Maybe she wasn't as terrible as she thought she was.

Emori shook her head. "Just breakfast. It's mostly same options every morning. If you're here over the holidays they make special breakfast. It's pretty plain and simple otherwise."

Lexa nodded and looked down at her oatmeal. Take a small bite first. She scooped up a raspberry and ate it. And then a little bit of oatmeal. It didn't taste different from the one at home. Another spoonful. Lexa tried not to breathe through her nose and found that just swallowing as quickly as possible worked the best.

She didn't finish the bowl. But she came pretty close to it and this was the most she had ever eaten for breakfast. Or maybe it was because she didn't fill up the bowl to the brink anyway. But it made her feel good about herself. Lexa felt silly, feeling proud about almost finishing her breakfast, but it felt like progress.

After breakfast, it was time to go outside. Lexa stretched and decided to do some running. The track field around the basketball court was a dirt track and Lexa didn't really have any appropriate shoes. Anya packed her gym shoes, but they were made for inside. She got breathless after she made it around once and she pushed herself for another half before she had to pause because her head was spinning and her lungs were burning. Her breakfast was threatening to come back up but she stubbornly refused to give it the pleasure.

When Lexa came back to her room there was cup of warm ginger tea waiting for her along with iron pills. She had half an hour of relaxation time before activities started. Lexa still wasn't sure what she wanted to do. Her goal for the day was _get involved in an activity_ and Lexa already felt like breaking it.

There was a book club, which sounded a lot like the high school version of it where they read books and discussed them before writing a report about the content. There was something about computers but it was all the way down in the basement and Lexa was not about to try and find her way there.

Maybe she could go outside. They were setting up a volleyball net. And there was a pile of basketballs next to volleyballs. Maybe she should go outside and play something. She was always good at it. She wasn't as strong or muscly as she used to be, but she was probably still okay. And this wasn't a competition.

Lexa realized that she had spent so long thinking about which activity to choose from that she missed the beginning. Feeling a little panicked and suddenly overwhelmed she ran out of her room. There were voices coming from the common room but she didn't want to go in there. They were watching movies, and sitting still through an action movie just didn't seem like the best idea. Lexa couldn't remember whether the board games were on the third floor or on the second floor. She went to the third floor and entered the library. She flushed when she realized this was definitely not a chess competition.

Easels were set up in a circle, tables in the middle filled with… food? Lexa's forehead creased in confusion.

"Hello," Clarke said, head cocked to the side. "Come join us."

"Um, I actually… Wrong floor," Lexa stuttered in embarrassment.

Clarke grinned. "Join us anyway. We're just about to start."

Lexa felt like she had no choice with the way everyone was staring at her. She cleared her throat and walked inside. She wiped her sweaty palms against her sweatpants and took a sit in front of the first empty easel. She never really felt connected to paintings. She admired art, and she was good at drawing buildings. But paint was messy. And maybe Lexa liked her life to be tidy and neat.

Lost in her thoughts Lexa didn't pay attention to the instructions and only heard the words "good luck" and then the rest of the women started grabbing their supplies. Lexa walked to the tables and frowned. There was very little actual paint. White, black, red, green, and blue. The rest was food.

"Painting with food is fun," Clarke said.

Lexa made a face that clearly showed disbelief. "I doubt."

Clarke raised her eyebrows in a challenge. "Oh, prepare to be amazed."

It took Clarke less than five minutes and only a little a piece of corn, the red, green, blue, and crumbled potato chips to create a masterpiece.

"That's impressive," Lexa breathed out with realizing and immediately schooled her features when Clarke smirked.

"Now it's your turn."

Lexa looked hesitant but she really didn't have a choice. She grabbed the offered paints and a pallet and used a brush. It was okay at first. She was doing something and she wasn't being messy and it looked somewhat okay. But she wasn't having fun.

Clarke was going from an easel to an easel and threw in advices or ideas. She raised her eyebrows when she got to Lexa. "It's not terrible."

"Geez, thanks."

"But it's not fun."

Lexa sighed. "I don't exactly scream fun."

Clarke shrugged. "Maybe. Come on, bare me with for a second." She grabbed a jar of peanut butter. "Dip your finger inside." Lexa subconsciously clenched her fingers in a fist. She wasn't aware she did it until Clarke took a hold of her hand and uncurled her fingers. "It's okay. Look, there are macaroni you can glue. Ketchup. Mayo. Vegetables."

"No, I'll do it," Lexa said, her mind going back to the daily goal. She ran her index finger along the rim before dipping it in the peanut butter. "We're not eating this for lunch, are we?"

And Clarke laughed. "See, you are fun. But no, you're not. Now, paint."

Lexa pretty much wiped her finger in the thick paper, making straight lines until the color vanished. She made a face at her creation. It looked… well, it looked like shit. Clarke gave her a pat on the shoulder and went to her own easel. Lexa eyed the rest of the items. There was celery and mushrooms and lettuce leaves. She could make pattern prints. Her eyes widened at the pasta and she came up with an idea. She could use raw macaroni and make it a circle and then add spaghetti as sunshine rays.

Except she didn't know how to work the glue gun.

Lexa was good at a lot of things, crafting wasn't one of them.

"Here," Clarke said, jumping in to help. "You plug in the gun and wait for it to warm up. It's going to take a few minutes, though. When you're gluing I advise not to touch the tip and try to apply the glue on the object. If you touch the glue, it's okay. It's going to feel like a little burn but it will peel off."

Lexa nodded in understanding. She was staring at the glue gun when she blurted out. "Why are we playing with food?"

Clarke looked momentarily surprised but she didn't miss a beat, replying right away. "Because food can be fun. It's not intimidating or your enemy. And it's also not just for nutrition. The easiest way to teach toddlers to enjoy vegetables is to let them play with it. We're doing something similar and hopefully next time you'll have peanut butter as a part of the meal you won't see calories or something you are forced to eat, but the line you painted." She paused and smiled teasingly. "No matter how horrible it looks."

Lexa huffed. "Unfortunately, a business degree does not come with art lessons."

"I would have thought CEOs are at least somewhat crafty."

"Not me. I have interns for that." And Lexa's reply was light, and she realized she was actually enjoying the banter. But then she realized the glue gun was ready so she put her stoic mask back on and picked it up. Gluing small macaroni on paper was not an easy task. The spaghetti was even harder, because of how thin they were and Lexa ended up hissing each time she pressed on the hot glue to stick the pasta on.

But it was enjoyable. It was fun. Lexa made a few celery prints by dipping it in the ketchup and then mixed a grey color for mushroom prints. And as a finishing touch she sprinkled glitter randomly over the paper. There was no story behind her creation. But it was hers.

But then lunch came around and Lexa remembered why she was here. It wasn't to have fun or to make friends. It was to eat. Or learn how to, anyway. The cafeteria was set up differently. The tables were in the same spot, but there was a line and two ladies handing out food. There were three options. Salad, pasta, and vegetable soup. Lexa wasn't feeling any of it, but she politely requested her salad. She took a seat next to Emori.

The green leaves were too crunchy. The chicken meat was soggy. The dressing was too oily. The tomatoes were bitter. None of those things were really true, but it's how Lexa felt as she attempted eating it. She held her breath and quickly ate three forkfuls. The bowl was still more fuller, than emptier. Lexa took a few more bites before she quickly made her way to dispose of the food. One of the lunch ladies gave her a yogurt and a plastic spoon. Lexa couldn't even croak out a thank you.

"What flavor did you get?" Tris asked excitedly, bouncing around Lexa.

"Um," Lexa hummed, looking at the yogurt, "it's strawberry. You can have it if you want."

Tris looked interested but she shook her head. "Thank you. Clarke told me I have to stop accepting other people's desserts."

Lexa shrugged. "I probably won't eat it anyway. You can share it with Aden." Her eyes glanced at the small boy who looked at his food with a pained expression. Is that how she looked when she was eating? Lexa shook her head to clear her thoughts. "Please."

Tris beamed. "Okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Lexa felt relieved. Even though her heart was suddenly beating too fast and she felt guilty. She needed fresh air. But she had to wait for half an hour before the garden would be opened again. The wait made her antsy and she found herself aimlessly scribbling on the sticky notes. Her thoughts took her back to the company and the plans for the future she had. She realized that more than half an hour had passed and quickly put on her shoes for outside.

She avoided getting too close to any activities in case they would start inviting her to play and she wouldn't be able to say no. There was a fence around the water stream and then a taller fence on the other side. It was probably made so that nobody would run away. Lexa was almost tempted to try anyway but changed her mind the last second and continued walking. She considered running but her heartbeat was already loud and erratic from the fast walking pace. She got bored eventually and she felt like reading so she went back inside.

Instead of going to her floor she ended up on the first floor. It was where Tris was, she knew. She found her in the common room, surrounded by books. "Hi."

Tris looked up for a second and smiled in a greeting before focusing back on the book. "I found my new favorite book."

"What is it about?"

Tris shrugged. "I only just started it but the cover is pretty."

Lexa's lips twitched into a smile. "Isn't there a saying not to judge a book by its cover?"

"Guilty."

Lexa was too. She needed to be entranced by the cover of the book in order to start it. The books on the first floor were more adolescent friendly. "What activity does Aden enjoy?"

"He's actually in the hospital right now," Tris said. "It's just a checkup but he'll be missing until dinner."

The reminder that they were all just trying to get healthy again hit Lexa like a brick in the stomach and made her breathless until her lungs burned and she forced to draw in a deep breath. "He okay?"

"Yeah. He's getting better."

It didn't sound very enthusiastic though. "And you?"

Tris suddenly changed the subject. "What do you do?"

"I'm a CEO."

"Like of a company?"

Lexa nodded.

"Are you successful?"

Lexa was surprised at the question. She didn't think owning a company was interesting. "Yes. I love what I do and I do it well." Tris was quiet. "What do you want to be when you're older?" It was such a corny question but Lexa wanted to know.

"Anything. Whatever. But I have to finish high school first."

Lexa hummed in agreement and picked up one of John Green books laying around. He seemed pretty popular and while his style of writing wasn't Lexa's preference she really just needed to do something to kill time. She stayed there, sitting next to Tris, until it was time for dinner.

There were no options for dinner. Everyone had the same thing, except those who had allergies. And everyone got the same portion. Lexa gulped at the pile of mashed potatoes and gravy. The vegetables and meat made it look even more intimidating. She chose an empty table and she glared at her plate for a while. She realized she had no option but to at least try. They weren't babysitting her anymore, making sure she was eating (even if just barely) and Lexa knew they expected her to behave like an adult and do what was right.

Maybe she should have taken it slower because after she was done she felt ten times heavier and her stomach was already making weird gurgling noises of discomfort. She passed the lobby and frowned at all the people there.

Visitations were on all days except for Saturdays and Lexa had never missed Anya this much. She wished she was nicer to her when they got here. She wished she would have at least gotten a goodbye hug. She wished she could tell her that she loves her and appreciates her. She got upstairs and took a shower, taking advantages of the empty floor.

She collapsed in her bed and woke up a few hours later with a stomachache. It reminded her of that time she threw up afterwards. And Lexa really didn't want to throw up again. Just the thought of it made her eyes water.

There was a doctor on each floor.

Lexa never asked for assistance before and as she stumbled out in the dark hallway she didn't really know where to look anyway. Her legs were trembling and she was sweating slightly. She found the door and gently knocked. Just once. And then she quickly turned around and shook her head, feeling embarrassed.

"Lexa?"

It was Raven.

"Are you okay?"

Lexa paused to lean against the wall when another stomach cramp took over before she slid down on the floor.

"Are you in pain?"

Lexa managed a nod.

"Do you feel sick?"

Another nod.

"Have you made yourself sick?"

"No," Lexa whispered.

And Raven believed her. "Let's go back to your room, okay?" She helped Lexa up and they walked to Lexa's room. She helped her lay down in the bed and wrapped the covers around her. It was only then that she realized Lexa was slightly crying.

Lexa wasn't aware until the salty wetness hit her lips. "I'm sorry," she whimpered.

"It's okay. You're okay. I'll only be gone for a minute, okay? I'll get you some tea."

Tea immediately relieved some of the pressure and when she took the pill Lexa could feel it lodge in her throat so she kept swallowing it down until her throat felt empty. Raven didn't say much, just sat there waiting for Lexa.

"You should try and go back to sleep. Your doctor's appointment is tomorrow, or well later today, and we'll convince them to do an ultrasound to make sure you're okay," Raven explained and took the empty mug out of Lexa's hands.

Lexa's eyes were already drooping but she fought it. She felt like she was being babied. "It was my first day eating in cafeteria and I fucked up."

"You didn't fuck up. You can't fuck up. That's the beauty of getting better. You did good today. Clarke said she enjoyed having you in her art class," Raven said. "And she doesn't say that about just everyone."

Lexa snorted. Actually snorted and Raven smiled in return.

"If you get sick again I'm right down the hall. But I think you'll be okay."

"Thank you," Lexa murmured quietly. She turned over, grimacing for a moment when her stomach jostled uncomfortable before settling down and tucking the plus raccoon beneath her chin. The smell of home was fading, but it still gave Lexa comfort.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy halloween

Preparations for going to the hospital for some tests were much more intense than actually going. Lexa still woke up at the same time as everyone else but when she attempted to leave her room Octavia came in and gently pushed her back inside.

"Good morning, Lexa," she greeted.

Lexa nodded her greeting.

Octavia smiled. "We'll be doing some things differently today. We will take your measurements again, for the hospital record so that they won't have to do it there, and we will have a quick chat, okay?"

It came out as a question but Lexa was certain it was just an order.

Octavia was kind, but she was also full on business.

There was that weird tape again and Lexa flinched when Octavia wrapped it around her waist without a warning, quickly scribbling down the number. And then she was pushed on the scale so fast her brain couldn't even process everything. And Octavia was once again writing the number down silently.

"Sorry for no warning but I figured we do this quick and argue later," Octavia said.

Lexa crossed her arms over her chest. "I wasn't going to argue."

Octavia just smiled. "Now to the talking part," she started. "Today will go a little different for you. There won't be any breakfast." They both pretended that Lexa wasn't far too enthusiastic about that part. "You will be escorted to the hospital and they'll do all the tests they need to. Afterwards you'll be send back with results and we'll go over them together."

Lexa wrinkled her nose. "Together?"

"Yes. This was your second bad night and we want to make sure they won't happen anymore," Octavia said calmly. "Relearning to eat is not supposed to be painful and I'm quite sure that getting nauseous after eating will make you hate food even more."

"I've been eating though." Lexa's voice sounded far prouder than she thought it would and she cringed because her attempt at eating was just that. An attempt. She was pretty sure she still had a long way to go.

But Octavia just nodded in agreement. "You have been doing well. Your first day in cafeteria went good. You're allowed to be proud of yourself."

Lexa scratched her neck bashfully.

"You have fifteen minutes to relax or do whatever you want before you're expected to be downstairs."

Lexa nodded. Octavia left her room and she laid back on the bed. She was wearing the clothes she arrived in. It was almost a week since she arrived and she couldn't believe how drastically her life had changed. In just six days. She sighed and then put her shoes on before going downstairs.

Maya was there waiting for her and Lexa immediately felt back because she hadn't treated Maya with kindness before. So, she did her best to smile politely. They walked towards a car with The Ark logo on the driver's door.

Maya drove and Lexa was silent. She didn't realize how beautiful the nature was around the treatment center when Anya drove her here. And when they got on the highway she realized how close to home she actually was. She could make out the skyscraper with her penthouse in the distance. It was both the closest and furthest away from home she felt since becoming a patient.

They parked behind the hospital and Maya walked her inside to the information desk. Lexa realized she didn't have to say anything at all, Maya had her documents and papers and the lady behind the counter just nodded enthusiastically and pointed to the left.

"I can wait with you," Maya said.

Lexa felt like she had to do this on her own. "Thank you," she declined.

"Okay. These are all your papers. Just take a seat in the waiting room until your name is called. I'll be close by just in case," Maya explained.

Lexa nodded and accepted all the documents. She took a seat in the waiting room and tried not to squirm too much when someone nearby coughed. She really didn't want to get sick from this. Another sneeze and Lexa flinched. When her name was called she practically jumped out of the plastic chair and into the exam room.

The doctor didn't talk much, he just went through the notes Lexa brought with her from the treatment center and scrolled through the computer to see her medical records.

"Lay down," he ordered.

Lexa swallowed and laid down. She tried not to flinch when he placed his hands on her stomach, pressing into it. It hurt and Lexa tensed. He hummed thoughtfully and Lexa tried not to worry too much. She wished he would say something or update her. But instead he just shoved a piece of paper in her hand.

"Up the stairs to the left," he mumbled.

Without knowing where she was even going Lexa followed the directions to a yet another waiting room. This one was less full and Lexa spotted an info desk. She wordlessly slid the paper through the little gap in the glass window.

"Room five."

Lexa found it down the hallway and knocked twice before entering. The set up made her remember how much she hated needles but she sat down anyway and tightened her jaw when rubber was wrapped around her bicep and the nurse dabbed the area around her vein. Lexa held her breath when the needle slid in and then relaxed slightly. It was over soon and a clean cotton ball was pressed against her skin. She reached out to hold it with her other hand.

"Results should be from fifteen minutes to half an hour," the nurse said and stood up with Lexa's vial of blood.

Lexa left the room and went back in the waiting room. She took a seat at the end of the row and looked to her right when she felt eyes on her. A little boy was staring at her with wide, curious eyes. Lexa smiled at him because it was the polite thing to do and then looked down at her lap. She wished she had her phone with her. Half an hour is a long time to wait when you have nothing to do. She draped her left leg over her right leg's knee and realized the boy next to her imitated her until his tiny shoe knocked into Lexa's. He giggled and kicked his shoe against Lexa's again. Lexa let him, occasionally sending a gentle kick his way too. His mom didn't seem to notice, or care, eyes too busy staring at her phone. And Lexa needed to do something to kill time so entertaining a bored kid wasn't the worst-case scenario.

Her name was called and she stood up, the boy pouting at his playmate leaving, but Lexa managed an actual wide smile and he beamed back. Lexa accepted her lab results with a nod and went back downstairs.

Lexa didn't have to wait this time around as the doctor accepted her lab results and quickly scanned through them.

"Uh-huh," he murmured, scratching his chin. "Mhm."

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows.

"I see."

Lexa's fingers curled into fists. She hated not knowing what was going on but she wasn't about to ask him. She wasn't in the mood for another lecture about health and food and what not.

"You haven't eaten anything yet, have you?" he asked, not looking up.

"No," Lexa answered nervously.

But he just nodded and handed her the papers back. "Go to the third floor."

Lexa had no idea what waited for her on the third floor and she tried to ignore the anxiety rising inside of her as she walked up the stairs. She got to the second floor and almost considered taking the elevator up one floor with the way her heart was beating. She pushed open the door and seeing the sign made her want to turn around but there was a nurse in the hallway and she was immediately approached.

"Hello, are you here for an endoscopy?"

Maybe it was asked out of politeness but Lexa's eyes turned into a harsh glare, furious that she had no say in whether she wanted this or not. "Yes," she hissed.

The nurse's face remained indifferent. "Follow me."

They walked through another door down the hallway and into a room that connected a small waiting room with the procedure room.

"You don't have to change out of your clothes, just put the gown over your outfit," the nurse explained. "Please do take your shoes off. Do you want a sedative injection? It's more comfortable but it also means you have to wait until it wears out."

"No," Lexa immediately replied. She didn't want to stay here any longer than necessary. And she really wished they told her about this beforehand.

 She walked through the door into the procedure room and laid down on the bed. She was growing more uncomfortable with each minute and she really wanted to make them call Maya up there with her. Instead, she sucked it up. They sprayed a local anesthetic down her throat and her hands started shaking when she lost the feeling of it.

"Calm down," the nurse said, unhelpfully.

But Lexa's heartbeat was rising and her palms grew steady and it suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on her and she sat up, gasping for air.

Instead of helping, they called Maya.

She was familiar and although she didn't say anything, Lexa focused her gaze on her and felt herself relax enough that her breathing returned to normal. She was still uncomfortable and wanted to leave but Maya gently pushed her back into a laying position and onto her side.

The doctor put a small plastic mouth guard in Lexa's mouth to protect her teeth and make sure Lexa wasn't going to close her mouth.

Lexa whined in protest but she felt Maya's hand on top of her hand and although her hand twitched in response she felt just slightly comforted, knowing she wasn't alone. She wished Anya was there with her.

She wished she wasn't there at all when a tube was inserted in her mouth and she felt tears burn her eyes.

It was the longest ten minutes Lexa had ever experienced and by the time it was over she was absolutely furious, and her jaw ached from holding it open for so long. The doctor didn't say anything to her, everything was given to Maya and then they were pushing her out of the door.

Lexa couldn't meet Maya's eyes. She felt humiliated. She stayed silent for the rest of the morning, her throat feeling too raw to talk, anyway.

Talking in treatment center was unavoidable. There was a bowl filled with berries and plate of steamed vegetables and Lexa just furiously glared at the tray. She was silently protesting and decided she wasn't going to eat. They should have warned her. Should have told her.

Her silence didn't last long. Thirty minutes later the room opened and Clarke walked in. She knocked, but Lexa didn't answer, so she took the liberty of opening the door. Lexa was lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling, an angry storm in her eyes.

"Hi, Lexa," Clarke said warmly.

Lexa swallowed harshly and kept her eyes up. She was acting immature, she knew, but she had just started to trust the people here.

"I heard you had a rough day at the hospital," Clarke continued. "I know we only discussed an ultrasound, and that was what we scheduled when we called the hospital to make the appointment. I'm sorry."

Lexa finally turned her head to face Clarke. But she scoffed.

"I'm sorry that you thought you could trust us and your trust got betrayed. I'm sorry that you felt like you weren't in control. We contacted the hospital and talked about the doctor who scheduled you a gastroscopy. They have apologized and said he's known to not inform any of our patients about his plans and often changes appointments."

Lexa sighed and finally sat up. Her eyes glanced at the full tray and she grew embarrassed.

Clarke took a seat by the table and prompted Lexa to do the same. "We can talk about the appointment some more, or we can go straight to the results."

It was only then that Lexa realized Clarke was holding a file. "Results, please," she croaked out and reached for her bottle of tea to take a few sips.

"Okay." Clarke opened up the file. "You have a stomach ulcer."

Lexa frowned. "Stomach ulcer?"

"Yes. It's not bleeding yet, and hopefully it never will. It explains why you get full very quickly and why you often feel nauseous, especially after eating. I know it sounds terrifying, but it's completely manageable," Clarke explained.

"How did I get it?"

Clarke raised her eyebrows. "Have you been frequently taking ibuprofen?"

It was the constant headaches. The throbbing. Whenever her stomach was unsettled. Lexa nodded with a sigh.

"It's okay. Access to any kind of medicine is limited here, but especially because of your ulcer we are going to try different ways to ease your pain, should you ever need a painkiller," Clarke continued. "Your diet is going to stay pretty much the same. Your iron levels are up, which is good. We'll run another blood test in a few weeks."

"Just a blood test?"

Clarke nodded. "Just a blood test."

"Okay."

"I know it's not our session, but how have you been adjusting? Anything you wish to tell me?" Clarke asked before leaving.

Lexa shrugged. "It's okay. It's not… I don't feel trapped here, I guess, anymore. Still working on the food part."

Clarke smiled. "We do wish we'd see more of you at activities, but you've been adjusting really well. Aden praised you for like twenty minutes the last time we had our session because you helped him out at the field trip. Which, by the way, thank you. It would help if you notified one of us next time, but you didn't leave him alone."

"He talked about me?"

"Can't say much, patient confidentiality, but he was really thankful and happy," Clarke said simply.

Lexa just nodded, though the corners of her mouth threatened to be pulled into a smile.

"If you want I can send Octavia in, let you work out the details with her," Clarke said. "I'm the main psychologist, but she would know better about your added medication. Or even Bellamy, if you prefer."

"Thank you," Lexa politely declined. "I think I know enough. And I apologize for the silent treatment."

"You're allowed to have crappy days and be mad at us," Clarke reminded her. "There are no rules about how to behave when you're here. Except for the obvious ones. I won't keep you waiting for dinner, but I do recommend you should eat something."

Lexa nodded, aware of that herself. "Is our session still on for later?"

"If you feel up for it, yes. If you'd prefer to turn in early we can reschedule it for tomorrow. Don't worry too much about it, if I don't see you in my office I won't be mad."

Before Lexa could bring up panic attacks Clarke was already out of her room and Lexa took a few deep breaths to steady herself before leaving her room and heading for the cafeteria.

When Lexa got passed a full plate she wasn't entirely mad about it. She didn't feel hungry and her stomach definitely wasn't rumbling but it might have been the closest thing resembling to wanting food she had felt in a year. The flavor wasn't horrific and she didn't have to hold her breath when she swallowed a spoonful. She still didn't finish the entire meal and her pudding cup was still waiting for her, but it settled warmly in her stomach and her raw throat wasn't burning anymore.

She was making her way up the stairs when Aden and Tris came running up, chasing each other. Aden abruptly stopped and turned around, a grin on his face. "Hey, are you still giving out desserts?"

Tris smacked his arm and he winced.

Lexa let out a small laugh. It didn't feel forced or awkward. She actually laughed. "I am, if you want it."

"I thought you're my dessert dealer?" Tris asked.

"I asked first," Aden said already snatching the pudding cup out of Lexa's hand and running up.

Tris bolted after him. "Technically I asked her first!" she yelled out, her voice echoing in the stairwell.

Lexa shook her head and for the first time she felt at ease crossing the hallway to get to her room. Usually her stomach would tighten with anxiety of someone seeing her but not this time. And she realized that maybe it wasn't all that horrible. The knowledge that her anorexia wasn't entirely her fault lifted some weight off her shoulders. It was her fault that the stomach ulcer developed, but the pain, the instant fullness, and the nausea wasn't just in her head.

Lexa showed up for her appointment with Clarke a minute too late. She was contemplating whether she wanted to go or not. Whether she was even ready to discuss the panic attacks. She knocked on the door and her hand trembled just the slightest.

"Talk to you later," Bellamy said over his shoulder on his way out of the office. "Hello, Lexa."

Lexa nodded politely and then walked through the door.

"You're late. I feel like that's not really something you're known for," Clarke said.

Lexa shrugged. "Punctuality is important in the business world." More often than not Lexa preferred being early. It gave her enough time to compose herself and run through her speeches, if she needed to.

Clarke smiled and motioned to the couch. "Is there anything particular you came here to talk about?"

Lexa swallowed harshly, her throat bobbing and she nodded nervously. She was so not used to being nervous. She was a CEO. A damn good one. Her colleagues respected her and competition feared her. "You mentioned panic attacks."

Clarke grabbed her notebook and nodded.

"I… I think I experienced one today? At the hospital?"

"Maya mentioned that, yes. But I wanted you to bring it up on your own when you would feel comfortable."

"I just want to know why."

Clarke raised her eyebrows. Usually the patients only wanted to know how to get through them or stop them. "The reason behind panic attacks is different for everyone. Nobody knows why they happen. It's sudden and they don't usually last more than ten minutes."

"No more than ten minutes?" Lexa repeated, eyebrows furrowed.

"Statistically. Like I said, it's different for everyone. But, if you do experience similar symptoms but less intense and for longer period of time, it's anxiety. Anti-anxiety medication helps with both cases."

"And if I don't want medication?"

Clarke hummed thoughtfully for a moment. "Therapy. There's two types, cognitive behavioral therapy, which focuses on triggers and thoughts that usually lead to a panic attack and then we talk them out and give you something that makes you think more logically about panic attacks. And exposure therapy, where we go through the symptoms of panic attacks and show you a safe way to cope."

Lexa nodded. "Okay," she said calmly. "Okay."

Clarke just crossed her legs, feeling there was more.

"But not today?"

"We don't have to do it today," Clarke assured her. "You've had a long day. And we have to save something for the rest of the week."

Lexa nodded, feeling almost relaxed. "Thank you," she ended up saying.

Clarke smiled. "You're very welcome. Now go, before I make you talk about it."

The tone was light and teasing so Lexa knew Clarke was just joking, but she still stood up quickly and the last thing she heard as she walked out of the office was Clarke's chuckle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm very tired so do let me know if you find any typos  
> also, following updates may come with a delay because uni is really busy and I have so many assignments I barely have time to write


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very excited about this chapter and I think making you wait an extra week was well worth it. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Treatment center started to feel familiar. When Lexa woke up she no longer felt disoriented or angry. She had gotten very good at eating breakfast. The part where she had control over how much food went into her bowl helped immensely. Lexa loved control and she was finally regaining some of it over her life.

Her sessions with Clarke had gotten more personal and Lexa was sometimes at a loss of words when Clarke would ask her a question and she didn't know how to answer it. But then she would always think about it hard enough to have a reply the next time she saw Clarke.

During the two more Thursdays she had spent in the treatment her weight was slowly coming up. It wasn't much, and it wasn't even noticeable, but Octavia nodded her head encouragingly when she was writing it down.

Lexa no longer sneaked out to take a shower at five in the morning, instead she either rushed to be the first or the last one to get in the showers when everyone else was doing it. It was awkward at first, washing yourself when you knew someone was doing the same thing on the other side of the wall. And the walk from the bathroom to her room while holding the towel tightly around herself made her skin heat up, even if no one saw her.

Which is why Lexa was more than shocked when Clarke said the next words to her.

"We are going swimming the next Saturday."

Lexa was getting ready to leave, her session coming to an end, when she sat back in shock. "I'm sorry?"

"Swimming. Summer heat is here and we usually take the group swimming once every three months," Clarke explained. "This is the only field trip we actually don't leave as a surprise so that you have time to prepare yourself."

Lexa swallowed. "Prepare myself?"

"Yes. Mentally prepare yourself. Get a bathing suit."

"And where can I get a suit?"

"I think you're at the point where you're ready to accept your first visitor," Clarke said. "You've been here for over three weeks now and you've been doing well. We won't give you your phone back but I think maybe weekly visits could start being a part of your routine for now."

The panic that swept through Lexa's body at the idea of going swimming in a public place overcome the joy of being able to see Anya again. She had been working with Clarke about her panic attacks but she couldn't control her symptoms yet.

"It's okay," Clarke said in her professional soothing voice. "You're okay and you'll be okay. Thousands of women have done it before. You know how to swim, right?"

Lexa drew in a few deep breaths, thinking of the penthouse apartment and the pool next to her gym. It wasn't used often because it would require for Lexa to actually put on swim appropriate clothing on and Anya hated pools. Pools. Water. Swimming. Eventually Clarke's question didn't sound blurry in her head anymore and she nodded. "Yes," she whispered.

"Good. You're required to come with us, because we don't leave anyone behind unless it's special circumstances. You can, however, decide not to participate and sit by the pools," Clarke offered. It wouldn't be the first time.

But to Lexa it sounded like a challenge. She wasn't ready to get half undressed in front of everyone, but there was no way she was going to sit it out. She even went horse-riding the week before. She could do this. "No, I'll swim."

Lexa's tone was confident and Clarke smirked.

It was only when Lexa was already through the door that she realized she was tricked into agreeing to go swimming, but she was still determined to go.

When Sunday came and Lexa was able to call Anya, she quickly went through her week and skipped the field trip. Instead, she anxiously chewed on her fingers. "Anya, when you come to visit, can you bring me a swimming suit?"

Anya was quiet for a long time.

"Anya?"

"I'm sorry, I just thought I heard you say swimming suit."

Lexa sighed and rubbed her forehead. Just thinking about swimming made her temples throb with anxiety. "I did say it. I just… We're going swimming next week. And I don't have anything here. And everyone has to go so I can't really avoid it."

"Okay," Anya eventually agreed. "When do you want me to come?"

Lexa's heart hammered at the thought of seeing her cousin again and she realized just how much she missed her. Anya was always a constant in her life and doing this without her felt almost wrong. "Friday?"

"Is that what you want?"

Lexa nodded and realized her cousin couldn't see her. "Yes. I miss you."

Anya's heavy sigh was heard. "I miss you too, Lexa. So much."

"How's business?"

"It's good. You know it's good. Indra and I are keeping everyone in check. We hired new interns, like we do every year. The mayor is waiting for you to get better to visit. And Cage Wallace requested a private meeting for when you get back," Anya explained, as briefly as she could.

Lexa swallowed. "Back? Where do they think I went?"

"I think most people just assume you took a long vacation. You've been in the office from morning until dawn since you took over."

"Do you think they should know the truth?" Lexa asked.

"That's up to you, kiddo. But, hey, I don't want to talk about that right now. How about you tell me about the field trip and I'll tell you everything you want to know about the company when I see you on Friday?" Anya requested.

Friday. It was five days away. So far, yet so close. "Okay," Lexa agreed.

Waiting for Friday to arrive was hell. Lexa was constantly anxious and her body had a hard time relaxing, even at bed time. She had trouble falling asleep and by the time Thursday came she was so exhausted during the morning routine that it was clear to everyone. She ate breakfast so slowly that everyone finished by the time she chewed through her first spoon of cereal. Her walk around the park was sluggish.

Lexa noticed she was exhausted with the way her feet shuffled down the hallways. She always tried to look presentable. In treatment center she realized being comfortable was slightly more important than looking good. But Lexa never dragged her feet. Except this time.

"Have you not been sleeping well?" Clarke asked.

Lexa huffed, but didn't argue.

Clarke leaned closer to Lexa. "If you are anxious about swimming, I can give you something to help you sleep tonight. Or even an anti-anxiety pill," Clarke offered.

"I'm not… I'm not anxious about swimming," Lexa admitted. "I'm anxious about seeing Anya."

"How come?"

Lexa shrugged. "It's been almost a month. I… I feel like I'm different. Like I've changed."

Clarke nodded. "You are different than you were when you got here. You're more willing to ask for help. You're still just as stubborn. But less embarrassed. You've made great progress. And Anya is going to be happy to see you."

"I guess." Lexa chewed on her bottom lip. "I do miss her. But, what if this me isn't capable of running the company? I devoted all my time to it. I skipped meals to go to meetings and I was losing sleep to go over the budget. I did all those things intentionally. And I loved it. But, if I start skipping meals I'll go back to how things used to be. If I go back to staying up all night I won't ever have the energy to get better."

Clarke knew just how exhausted Lexa must have been because it was the most personal she had gotten. Sure, she made progress and she opened up about her family and the company and Clarke knew about Costia. No details. Just her existence and how she walked out. "Lexa, you can still be a great CEO and take care of yourself. You've put a lot of effort into getting this far. You're thinking way ahead. By the time we deem you ready to go back, you will be ready."

Lexa frowned as she realized just how far away she was from going home. She knew it wasn't going to happen in a few weeks, not even a month. But Clarke just said she wasn't ready. She sat back in defeat. "Right."

"I didn't say you were never going to be ready," Clarke said, somehow knowing exactly what was going through Lexa's head. "I didn't say that to make you upset. I said it because right now, it's true. You've made amazing progress in less than a month. You're not going to be stuck here forever."

Lexa stayed silent because she didn't really know what to say.

"I'm going to give you something to help you sleep. Just tonight. Because I think a good night of rest will make you feel a lot better."

When bed time came around Lexa was freshly showered and was suspiciously eyeing the sleeping pill on her table. She eventually took it because she was just so damn tired and she didn't want Anya to see her exhausted. She had never slept better.

It was the first time Lexa was going to have a visitor and she paced around the lobby. She didn't know exactly when Anya was coming, just that she was and that it had to happen during visitation hours. And they only lasted for an hour on weekdays and two hours during Sunday. There were no visitors on Saturday.

Each time the front door slid open with a puff Lexa spun around and then sighed in defeat when she realized it wasn't Anya. She gave up on pacing and sat down on the couch, fiddling with her hands. The door slid open but Lexa didn't look up. She froze when familiar combat boots stepped in front of her.

"Hey, kiddo."

"Anya," Lexa gasped and stood up so quickly that she practically fell in her cousin's embrace.

"God, I missed you," Anya said, holding Lexa protectively.

Lexa sighed and just inhaled deeply. Anya smelled like home. She smelled like the vanilla candles Lexa had placed all over the apartment and the expensive fabric softener they used. "I missed you too."

Anya took a step back and looked at Lexa. "You look good." She was no longer as pale and her skin looked healthier. Her hair was shinier too. And the dark circles below her eyes and the hallow cheeks were now almost gone. If Anya saw Lexa every day she probably wouldn't notice, but seeing her after almost a month made her very aware of how different Lexa looked.

Lexa awkwardly shifted on her feet, not sure how to respond to that. "Thank you for coming."

"Of course. I couldn't wait to see you," Anya said.

Lexa took a seat and Anya followed her lead. "I know it's not why you're here and I probably shouldn't ask you, but how is the company?"

Anya smiled. "I knew you would ask about it. It's good. It's still working the same, the interns are clumsy, but they're doing their job. We hired a new PR director and got an offer to film a short segment about our company. And you, obviously. They are more than thrilled to wait. Everyone misses you."

"I miss working," Lexa admitted. "How's the budget?"

"It's fine. Indra and I are making sure everything stays within the limits. It's still going to be standing and be fully functioning by the time you come back."

Lexa frowned. Anya still thought she was worthy of being a CEO, trusted her that she was still capable of running the company. "Do you think I'll still do a good job?"

Anya raised her eyebrows. "Of course! Where did that come from?"

"I don't know," Lexa sighed. "I just… For a moment, I thought that I can't be a good leader while also taking care of myself."

"Of course, you can be," Anya argued. "You're damn good at what you do. The problem was never about the company or your workaholism. You need to be ambitious, stubborn and passionate to pull this job off. You just never thought you were worthy of being a regular person too."

Lexa fidgeted with her hands.

"Lexa, you're the best there is in this profession and I'm not just saying this because I work with and for you. But you're also just a human. You get tired and worn out and annoyed. And you deserve to take a moment for yourself," Anya reassured her. "Look, when you come back we can do a schedule. Make sure you have at least a day per week just for yourself. You're not alone and you don't have to carry all the weight of the world on your shoulders alone."

Lexa exhaled slowly and then nodded. She felt better. Anya's confidence in her was infectious and maybe, just maybe, she could do this. "I love you."

"I love you too, kiddo. Now, tell me about the swimming."

"Oh. Swimming." It was only then that Lexa realized Anya had a bag with her.

"You used to love swimming," Anya murmured. "I brought you your favorite bikini. You don't really have much and it felt wrong going shopping for you but without you. I also brought you another hoodie. Just in case."

Lexa relaxed. Another hoodie meant it smelled like home. "Thank you."

"And I don't know if you're homesick or not, but I do know you need to do your laundry here, so I brought you the same fabric softener we use at home."

Lexa could have cried then. She had only used the laundry room once so far. It was downstairs in the basement and it was next to the gym and it looked slightly creepy. Plus, the detergent they used wasn't quite what she was used to. "You're the best."

Anya beamed at her. "How is everyone here?"

"They're okay. The doctors are good. I was sent to the hospital once and they found a stomach ulcer, but I've been feeling better since I started medication for it. Um, Clarke and I are working through my anxiety and panic attacks, or whatever. And I'm gaining weight," Lexa summed it up, sounding a little embarrassed.

"That's good. Progress is good." Anya seemed relieved. "And the rest of the patients?"

Lexa shrugged. "They're nice. I do like them. And eating in the cafeteria isn't uncomfortable anymore. It's not home, but it feels safe."

The topic was then changed to random things like television shows Lexa had missed, any innovations that could be used in the company, things happening in the city that Lexa wasn't aware of. An hour was definitely not long enough and before they realized Lexa was hugging Anya goodbye. It felt just as hard as it did the first day. Lexa was reminded of the world outside of the treatment center and the group. The world in which she had a company to take care of.

Lexa's homesickness didn't make leaving the next morning any easier. Especially with the knowledge that she was about to go swim. Her backpack was packed with her towel and essentials and a black bikini. It wasn't skimpy, or inappropriate. It was a simple two-piece swimming attire. But just folding it and putting it inside the backpack made Lexa feel dirty.

Her anxiety kicked in when she had to change. There were private stalls, but her hands were trembling and it took twice as long as it usually would to remove her clothes and put on the bikini. Lexa glanced in the mirror and swallowed.

Her hipbones were awkwardly sticking out and her ribs were still visible enough that you could count them. Lexa ran her fingers over the exposed skin before quickly pulling her towel over herself. She was able to pretend for a few more minutes until they got to the poolside. It was indoors and the water sparkled. There were plastic lounge chairs spread around and Lexa tucked her backpack beneath hers. Everyone around her started laying down their towels and Lexa tried really hard to suppress the early symptoms of a panic attack.

Eating disorder had no body type, was one of the first things Lexa learned. Women around her looked different. From skinny as she was, to even thinner, to more muscular, curvy. Not everyone had a flat stomach or visible ribs. Lexa blinked a few times and then calmly set down her own towel and revealed her body, even though her heart was hammering inside her chest and she wished she was anywhere but there.

The water was nice and warm but Lexa's body was shivering and trembling anyway. She was doing her best to control her breathing as she paddled in the water and she made the mistake of looking up.

Clarke was standing at the edge of the pool. Clarke in purple bikini. Clarke who looked like the most beautiful woman Lexa had ever seen. She had light, creamy skin. Curvy hips. Breasts that were tastefully covered.

Lexa inhaled at the wrong time and then her panic attack kicked in.

It wasn't the most elegant dive, the way Clarke jumped in the pool, but she was by Lexa's side before she realized and Lexa had no control over her body as she was being helped out of the pool and wrapped in her blanket. Her breathing was still ragged and she didn't know where the water ended and her tears begun.

"You're okay," Clarke kept saying, over and over. "Say it with me."

"I'm-"

"Okay," Clarke finished for her. "Again."

Lexa's lips moved with the words but her ears were ringing so she didn't hear a sound that came out of her. It was when Clarke's hands gently reached towards her own that she was jolted back into the reality. Her eyes slowly came to focus and she took a deep breath.

"There you go," Clarke spoke lowly. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Lexa tightened the towel around herself and hunched closer to her knees, trying to make herself feel smaller.

Clarke understood. "I battled with an eating disorder once too," she confessed. Her eyes were focused on Lexa's and her tone was quiet enough so that only the two of them were able to hear it.

Lexa's eyes widened. "You-, you did?" She couldn't understand why someone as beautiful and wonderful as Clarke would have to go through something so painful. But when she thought of all the women in the treatment center she realized none of them were not-beautiful or not-wonderful.

Clarke nodded. "I was sixteen when it first started. Got diagnosed at seventeen. I had to stay at a hospital for a while. I didn't really get healthy until I was nineteen."

"You were so young," Lexa murmured, fingers tangling in the towel as she played with it. "And three years?"

"Eating disorders, or any mental disorder, they don't just cure after treatment. Here, you work intensely to get past the hardest point. But you still have to do a lot after you leave. It stays with you for life. Some never really get better." Clarke was being honest, not trying to scare Lexa, but she saw Lexa getting fidgety and nervous.

Lexa swallowed hard. "I don't… I don't think I can handle doing this for years. It's exhausting."

"I know. Trust me, I know. But Lexa, it's so rewarding. Getting to the point where you can finally say you've made it is indescribable," Clarke breathed out. "It's months or years of work and dedication and relapsing and working even harder. It doesn't happen over night. I don't know what happened in the pool, but you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. You're beautiful."

Lexa's jaw tightened but it didn't prevent the blush covering her cheeks and tips of her ears. "But I… There's bones, sticking out everywhere."

"We come in all different kinds of body types," Clarke pointed out. "This isn't about how skinny you look. Some women can never gain a lot of weight. Some women don't look like they have an eating disorder. What matters is how healthy your habits are. It's about eating and taking care of yourself and how healthy you feel. It's never about the number on the scale."

Lexa took it all in and nodded. Because she understood what Clarke was trying to tell her. "Okay," she whispered. "I'm sorry for making a scene."

"You had a panic attack," Clarke reminded her. "It's an involuntary reaction and you should never apologize for it. It's a horrible feeling. And I can't let you back in the pool until I'm certain that you're feeling better."

Lexa's eyes moved to the pool and the group in it. They were divided into different groups. Two were outside. One in the big pool, one in the pool with the slides and one was here. And they looked like they were having fun and Lexa realized she didn't want to sit this experience out. "I want to go in," she stated. "I'm okay. And thank you."

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

Lexa shot Clarke a small smile before she dropped her towel and jumped in the pool, cannonball style. She intentionally ignored the sign that said 'do not jump' and left the pool just to jump in it again, this time gracefully diving in it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: panic attacks, psychotic episode, some violence (nobody died)

If Lexa thought Anya visiting would become a part of her routine, she was wrong. A week had passed and Anya didn't visit again. Lexa tried not to be too disappointed and when she called Anya on the next Sunday her jaw tightened in anger.

"What do you mean you were told not to visit me?" Lexa asked, furious.

Anya sighed. "Your doctors… They recommended I don't come every week. They don't want you to depend on my visitations. Don't get mad, Lex. They just want what's best for you."

Lexa groaned. "I know what's best for me, Anya. And I do want you to visit again."

"I will. Of course, I will visit you again," Anya argued softly. "But, I need to listen to your doctors and so do you. Don't be upset with them."

Lexa told Anya she wasn't going to get mad but she stormed in Clarke's office right after dinner. She wasn't sure who's order it was, but Clarke was her primary shrink so she just assumed she knew the most about it.

"Good evening, how can I help you?" Clarke asked, eyebrows raised in surprise. She was just cleaning up her desk and sorting through the files.

"You told Anya she can't visit me again," Lexa accused. Maybe it came out a little harsh and Lexa realized she sounded like a CEO again, yelling at the interns when they've messed something up. "After everything that happened, all the praising and the panic attack and how good my progress is, you told her she can't see me yet."

Clarke calmly sat down in her chair and rotated towards Lexa's direction. "Yes. I called your cousin and we talked and I informed her it was in your best interest to wait before she visits you again."

Lexa huffed. "How is that going to help me?" She tightened her hands into fists and fought the urge to slam her hands on the desk.

"You've had three panic attacks since you've seen Anya."

"So?" Lexa asked and closed her eyes at the way her voice shook.

Clarke motioned towards the chair in front of her. "Perhaps we should discuss it further."

Lexa ignored her and continued to stand. She highly doubted her panic attacks were due to Anya visiting. The first one happened at the swimming pool, so it was hardly fair to count it.

The second one happened on Monday. Lexa decided to wash the bedding, now that she knew it would smell the same way home smelled. She carried everything down in the basement and dumped it in a washing machine. There was no schedule for doing laundry, but it was recommended to do a whole load as to not just waste water and electricity. Lexa had nothing else to wash though. She walked back in her room and realized something important. Her plush raccoon had disappeared. Lexa started looking for it frantically, retracing her steps, looking all over the room and even in the bathroom, even if she knew there was no way it could have been there. A knot formed in her stomach and her heart beat got irregular and suddenly she couldn't control her breathing anymore.

It was the strongest panic attack yet and it took Lexa twenty minutes to calm down, with both Raven and Bellamy by her side trying to get her breathing back to normal.

The plush raccoon was found in the washing machine after it had gotten accidentally tangled in the sheet. Lexa felt incredibly stupid and embarrassed about it.

The second panic attack happened on Thursday. It was barely a panic attack. Just enough that it made her feel unsettled and Octavia worried. She stepped on the scale and Octavia's usual smile wasn't there. Which could have only meant one thing.

"It didn't go up?" Lexa asked, her thoughts immediately going to worst-case scenario. She was going to have to stay here forever and Anya would have to run the company herself. She didn't hear Octavia's reply through the ringing in her ears.

Before Lexa could spiral further, Octavia brought her back with fingertips pressed against the erratic pulse on her wrist. "You didn't lose any weight," she reassured her. "You're not always going to be gaining. It's ideal, yes. But it's not realistic. You're doing great."

Maybe, just maybe the other two panic attacks had something to do with home, but it wasn't Anya's fault.

"That's unfair," Lexa stated.

Clarke cocked her head to the side. "Is it? We're not trying to keep you away from home, we want to make sure you're ready for it. You've seen Anya once and you've already gotten much less cooperative and easily irritated."

"Because I want to go home."

"You will. You can."

Lexa dropped her shoulders in reminder that she could leave whenever she wanted. "I just don't understand."

"We don't want you to have to depend on Anya," Clarke spoke softly. "She can help you and support you and love you, but you need to take care of yourself. On your own. You still haven't opened up about Costia and you still sit out most of our activities."

"I like reading," Lexa argued. "And you wanna know about Costia? She… She was messed up. She was. But I loved her. Maybe a little too much. Maybe I did depend on her too much. And maybe my entire life revolved around work and her. But don't worry, because I learned my lesson when she walked out. Like I'm nothing. Like I'm not even worthy of a goodbye." Lexa was out of breath by the time she finished and she swallowed harshly and stormed out of the office.

Dealing with Costia was something she wasn't ready for yet. Costia was there when she started having bad days. And Costia had bad days too. Weeks even. But at least they were bad together. Lexa knew their relationship wasn't healthy. She knew because there was still a wine stain on the wall and she remembered the broken glass. She remembered the sound of Costia yelling, her voice echoing. She remembered the sound of the slap when her hand collided with her cheek. It was the first and the last time. But once was enough. Lexa never brought it up and Costia never apologized. Lexa skipped more meals and Costia drank more bottles. That was their thing.

But at least Lexa wasn't alone.

Anya wasn't going to stay with her forever, Lexa knew that. She knew that Anya was dating and that the only reason she still hadn't moved out was because she didn't want to leave Lexa alone.

She spent the rest of the afternoon sulking in her room and it wasn't until bed time was approaching that she emerged out on the hallway. It felt weird having a bed time again. But Lexa realized she hadn't felt this well rested in years. She shuffled down the hallway and looked at the handwritten note next to the door. She knew it was Clarke's turn to stay on her floor tonight. She didn't know if she was in there yet, though. Lexa knocked twice.

The door opened and if Clarke was surprised to see her there she didn't show it. "Come in," she offered.

Lexa slid past Clarke and inside. It was definitely a bigger room than hers. It looked like it was able to hold two beds, but instead it just had a queen size bed in the middle. She cleared her throat and turned to face Clarke. "I just want to apologize for snapping at you. I know you're just trying to help me and I know you meant well. I guess I just got defensive. And I'm sorry."

Clarke nodded. "Apology accepted. Though, you don't have to apologize for showing emotions, Lexa. You reacted the way you wanted to and that's okay. Maybe a little more thoughtful reaction wouldn't hurt, but it's nice to see you opening up. You don't have to just quietly suffer through the treatment."

"I'm trying."

"We know you are," Clarke agreed. "And thank you for apologizing, even if it's only because you were raised with good morals and felt guilty."

Lexa smiled sheepishly. "You were right, though. I guess I've always relied on Anya through my life and it feels wrong that my time with her is suddenly limited."

"If you continue the way you've been doing so far it won't be for longer than a few more weeks," Clarke whispered, as if she was telling Lexa a secret. She wasn't lying though. Helping people meant building trust and lying did more harm than good.

Lexa nodded, but it came out as a head bow instead and Clarke seemed amused by it. Lexa took a few steps backwards and then slid out of the room and went back into hers. She didn't know why her palms were sweaty when her heartbeat was steady.

She showered in the evening and woke up, already knowing the routine by heart. She still wasn't comfortable going to the cafeteria in pajamas, but it wasn't weird seeing other women still wearing theirs. Lexa took a seat next to Emori after she got her breakfast. She still wasn't eating bread, but maybe soon. She munched on her cereal. Even a month later and eating still felt weird.

"The feeling stays," Emori said quietly.

Lexa looked up and frowned before she realized she must have spaced out and was staring at her bowl. "What feeling?"

"The weird feeling you get when you're eating. It stays. I mean, at least I still have it and I'm leaving in a week. Maybe in a few years," Emori mused, mostly to herself.

Lexa sighed.

"It's not a defeat. Your first breakfast was a quarter full bowl and you didn't even eat everything. Now it's half full and you don't leave anything behind," Emori reminded her. "I think you're doing a goddamn good job and I know you prefer to be alone, but I hope maybe we can be friends. Outside of this place."

The idea of making friends used to be nerve wrecking. Lexa was an intelligent teenager, usually reserved to herself. And she was still awkward when it came to social interactions as an adult. She was able to hold a speech for fifteen minutes, to talk about work, but when it came to personal friendships and relationships she was bad at it. Having friends sounded nice. "I'd like that," she admitted.

Emori slid Lexa a piece of paper. "It's my phone number. You probably don't have your phone yet, but I want you to have this. In case I forget later."

Lexa nodded. When she returned to her room she tucked the paper in her suitcase pocket and then went outside to get some exercise. She ran a lap and then walked another one. Her heartbeat spiked from the exercise, but when she finished she felt calm and not aggravated from being out of shape. She was getting stronger. Or at least she felt stronger. Lexa still preferred afternoon activities from the morning ones. She tried to cooperate, but she still hadn't found anything that interested her enough. She walked to the first floor, intending to go to the library, instead she heard yelling from the room Tris and Aden were in. She opened the door and froze.

Aden was lying on the floor, clutching his stomach tightly with one hand while he tried to calm down Tris with his other. Blood was dripping past his fingers and staining the carpet on the floor.

Tris looked… feral. Her eyes seemed unfocused and she kept muttering something that Lexa didn't understand and when Lexa took a step closer she swallowed harshly at the sight of dripping knife. The sight in front of her made Lexa's stomach churn.

"Tris?" Lexa called out.

"No!" Aden yelped. "Don't irritate her. I can talk her out of this," he argued weakly.

Lexa's eyes glanced between Aden's rapidly paling face and Tris's terrifying blank expression. She dropped on her knees in front of Aden. He tensed and Lexa's eyes glanced around the room. She found a towel on the bed and leaned over to grab it. "I'm going to press this to your stomach to stop the bleeding, okay?"

Aden shakily nodded.

Lexa closed her eyes at the sound of Aden's pained whimper and held one hand over the towel while she tried to turn around to look at Tris.

"He told me to do it," Tris muttered, her voice sounding clearer than before. "He told me to do it," she repeated. "He told me to do it!"

The last words were yelled out and Lexa barely had time to react as Tris jabbed forward with the knife and Aden yelled out a warning. She caught the impact with her palm, barely feeling the pain from her skin breaking beneath the sharp edge. The knife slid out from Tris's hand and the metal handle hit the floor with a thud.

Tris's head shook and her eyes snapped into focus.

"It's okay," Aden immediately said.

Tris's eyes watered and she looked down at her bloodied hands.

Bedroom door were pushed open, the metal doornknob hitting the wall, and if Lexa expected looks of horror she didn't get them. Tris immediately raised her arms in surrender, collapsing down on the floor. Everything was happening so quickly. Raven tried to calm down Tris. Clarke was trying to step in to help Aden, but Lexa refused to move away even though she was useless with her injured hand. Octavia was calling the ambulance. Bellamy had a sedative ready and injected it into Tris when she wouldn't stop screaming.

Lexa's mind was hazy and she only had one goal. Keep Aden from bleeding out. She barely registered the sound of sirens and she was practically pulled away from Aden once the paramedics came and needed space. When she looked around the room she realized Tris was gone.

"Let's give them some space," Clarke offered.

Lexa frantically looked around, trying to see what they were doing and trying to catch a glimpse of Tris. She didn't even realize she wasn't there anymore.

There was a gentle pressure on her hand and Lexa flinched, making a fist and then wincing when she remembered the cut. She looked down at her hand and wasn't sure where her blood ended and Aden's begun.

"I'm sorry for touching you without your permission," Clarke said as she led Lexa into the first aid room.

Lexa had never been there before and she furrowed her eyebrows. "I'm sorry," Lexa apologized. She wasn't sure why. "I just… spaced out, I guess."

"I suggest washing your hands first," Clarke suggested and motioned to the sink and soap. "I'll give you some band aids if you don't want me to inspect the cut."

Lexa nodded. She was ready to accept the band aids but when she tried to wash her hands the wave of pain hit her so hard that she had to lean against the sink and take a deep breath. She clutched her sliced hand close to her and washed the other one. The red slowly became pink until it disappeared down the drain.

"May I?"

"Yes," Lexa croaked.

Clarke was gentle and warm. Her touch was careful and she used a wet washcloth to clean up around the cut. Lexa held her breath when Clarke got too close to the wound but the pain never came and her shoulders dropped in relief. Instead of using a band aid, Clarke disinfected the cut with a few clicks on a spray and Lexa bit her lip at the burn. She gently covered it with a gauze and wrapped a soft bandage around Lexa's hand. "There."

Lexa looked down at her hand and noticed Clarke's thumb smooth over the cut before Clarke withdrew her hand. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Thank you for helping Aden."

Lexa's heart hammered against her ribcage as she remembered the scene she walked in. "What… What was that? What happened? Tris kept saying "he told me to do it". And Aden, will he be okay? What will happen to Tris?"

Clarke blinked a few times at the number of questions she was just bombarded with. She offered Lexa a painkiller and a glass of water. "Tris is schizophrenic. What you saw was a psychotic episode. She has been doing really well lately and I haven't seen her have an episode since the first week she came here. The medication she takes helps, but sometimes the illness wins."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that she must have felt threatened, or she thought she heard Aden tell her to stab him. I don't know until I can talk to Tris and hear her side of the story. I know it sounds like a lot and I understand if it makes you feel unsafe, but at that moment Tris was not in control of her body. Her schizophrenia was. Just how sometimes you're not in control of your body, but your eating disorder is."

Lexa nodded and ran her fingers along the edge of the skin. "She didn't mean to do it."

"No," Clarke agreed.

"I don't feel unsafe," Lexa clarified. "I understand. And I know Aden does too."

"Probably. But an incident like this isn't good for a treatment center. This is where everyone should feel safe and unharmed." Clarke sighed. "It doesn't help if Aden knows that Tris was just having an episode, if his parents decide to sue us."

The business part of running a treatment center Lexa could understand. Lawsuits were always complicated. Whether it was a petty lie or a serious issue, they always dragged and the reputation that came with a trial was never good.

The door opened. "Clarke, they want your statement," Raven said.

Clarke nodded. "Get some rest, okay?"

Lexa wasn't sure if she was ever going to be able to sleep at night but she nodded to ease Clarke's mind and returned to her bedroom. The women on her floor seemed worried but they were hesitant to approach her and Lexa didn't blame them. She collapsed on her bed and stared at her ceiling. Everything still felt hazy and if she thought about it for long enough Lexa was still able to feel the warm blood soaking through the towel and covering her hands.

It was past eleven pm when there was a knock on her bedroom door. It was definitely unusual, and Lexa opened it.

"Here," Clarke said and passed Lexa a rectangular device.

"What is this?"

"It's your phone."

Lexa knew that. It looked exactly the same as it did from before she entered treatment. "But why are you giving it to me?"

Clarke smiled tiredly. "Because today you proved you deserve it. I know you're bothered about visitation limits, but this way you can contact Anya or whoever, whenever you want. Except, during activities. And maybe try not to have long conversations after bedtime," Clarke joked and Lexa even managed to laugh. "You remained calm when you needed to. I've got an update from the hospital and Aden is doing okay. Tris was admitted to a psych ward, but she's okay too."

It was such a thoughtful action, to update Lexa on a situation she didn't really need to update her on. It was from the goodness of Clarke's heart. And Lexa was grateful. "Thank you."

"If you're having trouble sleeping I can give you something. Just for tonight."

Lexa shook her head. "I'll be okay now, knowing that they're safe. Thanks."

Clarke beamed. "Goodnight, Lexa."

"Night, Clarke," Lexa murmured just as the door closed and she wasn't sure if Clarke heard her or not, but she didn't care. She unlocked her phone and went through it, to make sure everything was still there. She placed it on her nightstand and fell asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: transphobia
> 
> This chapter refused to cooperate with me so it's shorter than my usual work and I apologize. I hope it's just as enjoyable. I've been writing like crazy so maybe I'll update twice this week since there were no updates last week. No promises though.

It was Lexa's turn for an evening session with Clarke before the movie night. She had actually grown to love movies. It felt comforting to do something together. Sure, there were activities, but they usually required more input and Lexa had to actually try. Movie nights were where she could just relax and follow the storyline on the screen. Thinking of the movie they were going to watch, Lexa occupied herself while waiting in front of Clarke's office.

The past few days had been intense. Police officers came by daily to get statements. Lexa had to talk for a really long time because she was the one who walked in. She needed to explain it in detail. She still hadn't heard much about Tris, but Aden was recovering well.

The cellphone gave Lexa an opportunity to contact Anya and she even asked her cousin to pull some strings and get her a status report on Tris, but everywhere Anya called they said it was classified and information only available to family members.

"Lexa Woods?"

That wasn't the sound of Clarke's voice. Lexa glanced down the hallway. There were few offices in which she hadn't been. Whether they didn't need her to, or they were just empty offices, Lexa never bothered to check out. But now, there was a blonde stranger staring at her expectantly.

Lexa shuffled down the hallway and inside the office. The color was soft red, almost pink and Lexa didn't like it.

"Hello, I'm Niylah. We haven't met yet."

Lexa politely shook her hand, despite the initial dislike. "I'm Lexa." She didn't last for another thirty seconds before blurting out, "where is Doctor Griffin?"

Niylah frowned. "She had some private matters to attend. Don't worry, she'll be back tomorrow." She opened a notebook, that Lexa recognized as Clarke's and scanned through the pages. Lexa felt anger flaring inside of her at the idea of someone she didn't trust, reading what she was discussing with Clarke. "So, I see you've just started talking about… Costia?"

Lexa gritted her teeth and nodded. She hadn't talked about her that much. Not even with Clarke. She only told the basics. But Niylah didn't know Lexa. And Lexa didn't feel comfortable.

"What can you tell me about her?"

Lexa shrugged.

"I would really appreciate it if you cooperated," Niylah said in an almost accusing tone and Lexa didn't feel welcome in her office. "I know Clarke is your personal therapist, but I'm still a doctor here. Whatever you would say to her, you can say it to me."

The problem was that Lexa didn't say much to Clarke anyway. And she definitely wasn't going to say it to this random doctor. She felt too hostile and Lexa didn't trust her.

"Look, we can do this the easy way or the hard way," Niylah continued.

Lexa felt the beginning of a panic attack. Her heartbeat thumping in her ears, her pulse making her fingers throb with each beat. A lump formed in her throat and made breathing difficult. She remembered one of Clarke's advices.

_Remove yourself from the situation._

Lexa stood up from the uncomfortable chair and walked towards the door.

"You can't get away with this. I'll report it to Clarke," Niylah said and maybe it wasn't a threat, but it sounded like one and Lexa bolted.

Her breathing steadied and her heart stopped racing once she reached her room, but she felt guilty. Clarke was away, and this was the doctor she was supposed to have her session with. Instead, Lexa ran away. It made her feel like a scared child who didn't like the substitute teacher. She was here to get better and all the doctors were here to help her. So, why did Niylah make her uncomfortable?

Lexa kept grinding her jaw through the movie night so much that it ached and the tender skin around her nails bled.

Lexa fell asleep at her bed time and woke up at midnight, craving tea.

The liquids in cafeteria were available twenty-four/seven. Lexa had never woken up in the middle of the night and decided to go down there, but tonight was the night. She sneaked out in the hallway and froze.

"Um," she stuttered, unsure how to proceed.

Octavia and Lincoln pulled away from each other, lips kiss swollen.

"It's okay. He's my husband," Octavia said and laughed at Lexa who was shifting on her feet uncomfortably. "Are you feeling okay?"

Lexa nodded. "I just wanted some tea. But I can go back to bed."

"Nonsense. Go get your tea," Lincoln cheered her own. He grabbed Octavia's hand and pressed the elevator button.

Lexa didn't want to know where they were going. She took the stairs. She didn't notice someone was already in the cafeteria until she got to the cups.

"You're up late."

Instead of startling as she usually would, Lexa felt at ease. Clarke was there, and she knew and trusted her. "I actually already slept. I just wanted some tea," she explained.

Clarke nodded.

"You were gone today."

"Yes."

Lexa didn't know what else to say. It wasn't her place to pry and if Clarke wanted to talk about it, she would.

Clarke passed Lexa the jug with warm tea. "I heard you walked out of a session."

Lexa grimaced and took a sip of her tea.

"Niylah usually works with patients with suicidal thoughts and people who self-harm. Her approach is tougher and more direct, because it needs to be. I understand if she made you uncomfortable. She is best at what she does, though," Clarke felt the need to explain.

Lexa just sighed.

"I won't torture you any further," Clarke joked.

"Can I do a repeat session with you tomorrow?" Lexa asked. She didn't usually ask for therapy sessions, but she had been thinking about Costia and what happened between them and maybe, just maybe, she was ready to talk about it.

Clarke smiled but shook her head. "Aden's parents are coming tomorrow."

"Oh."

"They want to file a lawsuit."

Lexa's eyes widened. "What? Why?"

"Because he was harmed under our care," Clarke stated. "It sounds like it's going to be messy, they almost didn't want to get him help in the first place, so I'm afraid we're going to have to reschedule our weekly session, unless you want to work with Niylah."

It was embarrassing how quick Lexa protested, but Clarke's warm smile under the dim cafeteria lights made it worth it. "I'd rather do them with you."

"We'll work it through," Clarke promised. She looked at the big clock on the wall. "Go back to sleep or you'll have to be dragged out of the bed tomorrow."

Lexa smiled bashfully and finished her cup of tea. She almost poured herself another one, but decided against it and returned to her room. She couldn't help as a patient, but she could help as someone who had a powerful company. She picked up her phone.

**Lexa  
Remember when we talked about A/T situation? I need your help. A's parents want to sue. Let me know if you can do anything.**

She didn't need Anya to text back. Anya was a woman of actions, not words, and she knew she would do everything possible to make sure this incident didn't blow up.

Her morning routine was so well under her skin now that she didn't have to think about it anymore. Wake up, use bathroom, wash face, brush hair, change into warm clothes, walk down to the cafeteria, eat breakfast, go back to the room, brush teeth, put on shoes, go outside for exercise. It wasn't until she was on the track field that her sleepiness started clearing up. She ran a lap and a half and walked the rest of the half. She stretched a little and then listened to the gossip. She was still quiet, but the other women were used to it by now.

Lexa found the computer room that day. She didn't like staying at libraries anymore. It felt almost wrong without Tris there. They were being taught basic programming and even though Lexa already knew it, she stayed and followed the instructions. It had been a long time since she was the one programming and not just putting orders on what needed to be done.

Lunch was okay, and Lexa listened to the jokes going around the table.

After lunch she went outside to play some basketball. Lexa wasn't particularly tall, but she was able to jump pretty high and ended up intercepting most balls that tried to make it to her team's net. She glowed with pride that her defense skills were what made her team win.

By the time dinner rolled around her glow disappeared. She still struggled with dinner. She didn't know why. Her stomach was always in knots and her hand trembled no matter what utensil she was holding. She was hoping that this far into treatment she would be better at it. Her head was hung low in shame when she returned the tray.

Lexa rarely lingered near the lobby. She wasn't particularly interested in seeing other patients with their loved ones. It just made her feel lonely. But Clarke was there. Standing in front of a man who looked absolutely pissed.

"You promised me my daughter was going to be safe here!"

"Son," Clarke calmly corrected.

Lexa realized that was Aden's dad. She was never the person to meddle with someone else's private affair. She wasn't nosy. She didn't care. But hearing him misgender Aden really made her furious. She didn't realize she approached them until her feet stopped moving.

His eyes flickered in recognition. "Miss Woods. What a…," he made a face, "pleasant surprise."

"I wish I could say the same," came out before she could censor herself. She recognized him. He was one of the clients her company invested in. A conservative lawyer. Lexa's fingers itched to grab her phone and text Anya to remove the company as partners.

"As I was saying," he continued and looked at Clarke, "you will be hearing from my attorney. I hope you have a good lawyer. I always knew it was a dumb idea to get Adena a shrink."

"Aden," Lexa corrected automatically.

"Sir, with all due respect your son was here treated for his bulimia, not his gender identity," Clarke reminded him.

He scoffed. "It's all just a phase. Teenage girls and their need to be in the center of the attention."

"Or maybe what **he** needed was just love and support," Lexa hissed. "Clearly, he hadn't gotten neither from you. There's nothing wrong with needing a therapist, whether it's for an eating disorder or because he needs support as a transgender boy."

"You don't get to tell me how to raise my family," he said sharply but Lexa didn't even blink. "The whole world thinks you're out there vacationing when you're really just in rehab. You're a coward. At least I got my kid out of this mess."

Lexa's blood boiled. "Out of this mess? He not only needs help, he deserves it. Proper help from professionals who dedicate all their time and effort into making sure we're making progress and getting better. Aden would be so disappointed if he heard you now."

He jumped towards Lexa, but the security guards were on him before he could harm her. "You have no idea what you just fucking did. I'll make sure this dirty little secret," he waved around with his arms, "gets out."

Lexa swallowed harshly and then stumbled into a chair and sat down. She wasn't really thinking about consequences before.

"Are you okay?" Raven asked. She was watching the scene from afar, ready to step in if she needed to. Clarke hastily turned around and walked away, but Raven stayed.

Lexa nodded.

"He's wrong," Raven added. "You're not a coward for keeping this part of your life a secret. Mental illnesses and eating disorders are heavily stigmatized, still, and most people find it safer to just keep it under the wraps."

"But he is," Lexa suddenly got defensive over what he said. "He's right. I'm a coward. And for selfish reasons too. I don't want people to find out because I don't want them to think I'm incapable of running a business. I don't want them to think of me as weak."

Raven shook her head. "You're not weak. It takes hell of a lot of strength to recover."

Lexa didn't feel particularly strong. She felt strong _er_ than she had before, but it still felt like a part of her was missing something.  Raven excused herself with a smile, and Lexa stayed on the chair, contemplating her decisions.

"Hey, kiddo."

Lexa's head snapped up and she was pulling Anya into a bone crushing embrace before she realized. Anya was still the same and Lexa felt at ease. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, after your text I did what you asked me to and I thought it was easier to talk in person," Anya explained.

"Can you even be here?"

Anya grinned. "Of course. I missed you."

"I missed you too. So, what did you find?"

"Nothing you didn't already know. Tris was admitted into psych, but she's stable and will be released soon. Aden's family can't sue her because of schizophrenia, which is why they turned against the treatment center. They plan on representing themselves."

Lexa nodded. "I figured. Can the Ark defend itself? How solid is their case?"

Anya shrugged. "I couldn't get all the classified information, I'm afraid. As far as I know the Ark doesn't have any lawyers yet. The case must be pretty solid, though. This is supposed to be a safe treatment center."

"I may have made it even worse," Lexa admitted.

"What do you mean?"

Lexa grimaced. "I yelled at him about how Aden deserves to get help for his eating disorder and that his gender identity has nothing to do with it. And then he called me a coward cause everyone thinks I'm on vacation, while I'm really just in rehab."

"Oh." Anya was speechless.

"Do you think I should tell them?"

Anya furrowed her eyebrows. "You know you don't owe anyone an explanation, right?"

Lexa nodded.

"Then why now?"

"Because for so long I thought this was my personal hell. That nobody in this universe understood me or my thoughts. I didn't want you to understand. And I didn't know how to be in control of my own body anymore. I feel like I learned so much here about things that I've been taking for granted. Not everyone can afford treatment. Eating disorders are stigmatized and mocked. Not everybody has a good support system. There's thousands of other people fighting this same battle but in even worse conditions. And I want them to know that they're not alone. I want to do something. I want to start a fundraiser or a charity or just offer money for therapy and treatment to those who can't access it," Lexa rambled passionately and it blew Anya's mind.

She always considered Lexa as an intelligent and politically correct person. But the personal growth she had experienced in the treatment was unlike anything Anya had ever seen. The fact that Lexa admitted to having a problem, admitted she struggled with it but didn't know how to ask for help and then immediately wanting to help others made Anya's heart ache.

"You're a good person," Anya commented. "You have such a big heart and you always want to help others, before even thinking of yourself. If you're comfortable with it, we can always make an official statement about your whereabouts. But only if this is what you want to do, not because you think you should do it."

Lexa nodded. "I want to. But not now. Once I know I'm better."

Anya smiled fondly at her. "Okay. I'm proud of you, you know?"

Lexa ducked her head, feeling embarrassed about the compliment. "I know," she murmured anyway, because she knew it was true. "Thank you."

"For?"

"Getting me the help I needed. I know I was mad at you and I can't promise I won't be mad at you again, but right now I'm grateful. And I know you just wanted what's best for me."

Anya nodded. "Always, kiddo."

The goodbye was exhausting and a little heartbreaking. Lexa clung to Anya like she did that time when they were little, and it was Lexa's first time in the Zoo. She was completely worn out by the time she reached her bed that night. She needed to figure out a way to help the treatment center and also protect Aden and Tris.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm currently writing chapter 17 and i think the story should be wrapped up at 20 chapters unless i change my mind

It was a bad day for Lexa. Which normally would have been fine, but having a bad day on a Saturday put a damper on everyone's mood. Lexa woke up at four in the morning with cramps and feeling like she didn't want to be alive anymore. Sure, some of that was blamed on the period which took her by surprise, but most of it was on Lexa. She hadn't gotten her period in months, she learned it was because of how underweight she was but it never bothered her. Luckily, the bathrooms were nicely stocked with hygienic products, but it still made her feel like shit.

She felt bloated, which made her feel self-conscious, which made her want to not eat anything.

She sat alone in the cafeteria during breakfast and only drank a glass of juice. Her iron levels were normal now, but she was still cautious about it. She didn't eat anything and even though her stomach was empty, she felt overly stuffed.

She sat by herself on the bus and tried not to think too much about Aden and Tris. She really missed them. Lexa wasn't aware of just how close she had grown to them until they were gone, and she was forced to talk to new people. New patients came and went, and she still had no interest in forming a friendship with anyone.

When they got the location, Lexa only got more irritated and annoyed. The mountain in front of them was absolutely breathtaking but the idea of rock climbing when she was in bad mood didn't sit well with Lexa. It got her even more annoyed because this used to be something she enjoyed.

This used to be something she did with Costia. When she was sober, and Lexa wasn't hating herself. It was fun. Just the two of them, silently competing who would get to the top first. It was usually Lexa. Costia would always sneak a bottle of whiskey on top and drink most of it and Lexa would slowly climb down, trying to avoid any contact with her. It was honestly hell. Exhausting, heartbreaking and anxiety inducing. By the time they would both reach the car Costia was already drunk and Lexa was thinking of excuses to go back to the office.

This was the first time she wasn’t with Costia.

This was the first time a group of people were also there with her.

They hired instructors and professionals and had equipment for everyone to take a turn. Lexa was staring at the mountain with dread.

"Clarke, are you going to hike up there?" Lexa overheard Octavia ask.

Clarke eyed the big rock. "I think so. Why?"

"We'll see if we can get you some company," Bellamy chimed in. "Surely there are others who are afraid of heights."

Clarke groaned at his teasing voice.

Lexa quickly realized they were all friends. Everyone was familiar with each other and they all worked together like a big family. A family Lexa would never have. She loved Anya, but biologically that was her only living relative left. Her company and its employees were like a secondary family, but they didn't really know her outside of the work environment. And boss Lexa was different than friend Lexa. At least she assumed so.

Everyone else seemed ecstatic at the idea of rock climbing. Lexa placed herself in the line, but when the woman who was in front of her had her harness tightened, the sound of metallic clips jiggling made Lexa freak out. She jumped out of the line, clenching her fists to suppress the first symptoms of a panic attack.

It worked.

Lexa's eyes danced around the line, trying to figure out whether it was worth going back in the queue or if she should just outcast herself.

"Not a fan of heights?"

Lexa blinked a few times and then went with the offered excuse. "Something like that." She avoided eye contact. It felt wrong, lying to Clarke. Especially when she seemed genuinely interested.

"Honestly, me too," Clarke admitted shakily.

Lexa only felt worse.

"I'm actually making a group with those who either don't want to or have a fear of heights to use the hiking trail on the other side," Clarke continued. "So far, no volunteers. Are you interested?"

It did sound better than climbing at that moment. Lexa nodded.

They waited for five more minutes, but everyone else seemed ready and excited to be rock climbing. The hike to the top was about an hour long and it required some light parkour. Lexa took one last glance at their bus and then followed Clarke.

"I can tell when people lie to me," Clarke stated softly. "And it's okay, for whatever reason you don't want to climb. But you shouldn't have to lie about it."

Lexa hovered behind her. Even though she was taller, and her steps were longer, and she could easily brush past Clarke and walk at the front. "Bad day, I guess."

"Any particular reason?"

Lexa's throat bobbed as she contemplated the answer. "I just… I got my period for the first time in like four months, so I guess it just threw me off." That was only half the truth, but at least it wasn't nothing.

"That's okay. It's normal. I hope you've found everything you needed?"

"Yes."

Clarke stayed silent and Lexa followed her. The path got steeper and she realized all the running outside was really paying off. Her heartbeat was steady as she took deep breaths. Clarke, on the other hand, seemed much more disgruntled.

"Are you alright?" Lexa asked as they stopped in front of a rope that was used to pull yourself up on the ledge.

Clarke took a deep breath. "I'm totally out of shape, sorry."

"It's okay. Here." Lexa easily grabbed the rope and climbed on the ledge and offered Clarke her hand. It would require some strength to pull her up, but Lexa was confident. Her arm muscles strained, and Clarke grunted as she pushed herself off the ground, but they did.

Clarke was breathless and leaned her palms against her knees. "Where did you learn that?"

"I used to love rock climbing."

Lexa knew Clarke wouldn't just let go of that information, not when there was a rock wall Lexa just declined to climb on the other side. But she was grateful Clarke wasn't asking her about it then.

They continued their way up, stopping every once in a while, to drink some water or just take a few deep breaths and admire the view. Lexa always tackled the obstacles first and then found a way to make it easier to Clarke. It slowed them down somewhat, but she didn't care.

They reached the top in an hour and fifteen minutes and Clarke collapsed on the ground. Lexa took a few steps forward until she was on the edge, staring at the view.

The city looked enormous beneath their eyes. Polluted air clouding their view, but it didn't make it any less magnificent. Lexa could just barely make out the location of her company, the tall skyscraper visible even from a far. It was nowhere near the tallest building in the city, but she still recognized it, and her chest puffed in pride.

"Come back," Clarke called. "It's dangerous standing so close to the edge."

Lexa took a look down and gulped. Her feet immediately shuffled backwards until she was standing next to Clarke. There was a group of women, slowly growing as more and more people reached the top, but it was just her and Clarke on this side. They were essentially alone. Lexa brushed her palms against her pants and sat down.

"Rock climbing, this, used to be something I did with Costia."

Clarke glanced at her curiously and then passed her a water bottle.

"We met in a bar," Lexa confessed and laughed bitterly. "How ironic. I was in my second year of college and I was going through a list of odd jobs I wanted to do before working for the company. I was bartending, and she came in and ordered soda in a whiskey glass. I was intrigued."

Clarke nodded, encouraging Lexa to continue.

"She made a whole speech about how she had been sober for a year and then bought everyone in the bar a drink on her tab. She ended up spending two hundred dollars. I liked how carefree she was. So easygoing. She asked for my number and I gave it to her. And then we started hanging out and eventually dating. She never asked me to come over to her place and I never pushed. Turns out she lied about being sober. She got drunk one night and invited me over and I found her stash of drinks. I didn't…. I didn't know what to do or what to say. And when I brought it up the next day she got mad. I let her be. And she let me be."

Clarke stayed silent. She figured Lexa didn't need a speech to make her feel even worse about it.

"It wasn't healthy," Lexa said and shook her head. "I know it wasn't. But I was going to marry her."

That was a new information.

Lexa dropped her head and sniffed. "I had a ring and she was tipsy and going through my drawers and she found it. She asked what it was, and I told her it was an engagement ring and she accused me of cheating and slapped me in the face. I told her I wanted to marry her. She laughed in my face. She was gone a week later and took the ring with her."

"Why did you want to marry her?"

Lexa shrugged. "We dated for long enough. The idea of being with her was still easier than being without her. She was gone most nights and I was gone most days. But I figured it was better than being alone for the rest of my life."

"You're not alone."

"Romantically, I am."

"You're not unlovable, Lexa," Clarke stated, leaving no room for arguments.

Lexa sighed. "Maybe I am."

Clarke shook her head. "You're sweet. You're caring. You're funny. You're smart. You're beautiful person, inside and out." Lexa didn't seem convinced. "Would I ever lie to you?"

"No."

"There you have it. But seriously, you make the artist in me want to draw."

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows and was about to ask what that meant but Clarke was already standing and offering her a hand. Lexa took it and pulled herself on her feet. She felt a little better, but something was still feeling heavy in the pit of her stomach.

They joined the group and the dread only worsened when sandwiches were passed around. She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to go back to the treatment center. There was a moment when her only thought was the edge of the cliff and how easy it would be to just take a step forward.

But then Clarke laughed.

Her head was thrown backwards, her eyes were closed, and her nose crinkled. Lexa's heart hammered against her ribcage at the sight. She didn't understand it. She didn't understand any of it. She threw her unwrapped sandwich in a bin and wrapped her arms around herself.

The ride home was uneventful, and Lexa didn't even try to contact Anya afterwards, even though her phone was fully charged and waiting on the night stand in her room. She hoped the uneasiness would go away. It still felt weird in her tummy at dinner time and she left most of the food on plate and went to bed early.

When she woke up the next morning she was sweating, even though she was shivering, her head was throbbing, her throat itched, and her nose was stuffed. She found no strength to move and just barely managed to reach out her arm to grab her phone. She groaned at the invasion of cold air and then sat up when she noticed the time.

She missed breakfast.

"Oh fuck," Lexa whimpered, swaying unstably on her feet. She tried to rush to the door, but instead she just looked like she was walking in slow motion.

Before she could reach the knob, the door swung open and Lexa stumbled backwards.

"How are you feeling?" Lincoln asked politely, a tray in his hands. It wasn't food though.

"Okay," Lexa rasped out and cleared her throat when she heard how hoarse her voice was.

He smiled sympathetically. "I'd suggest you go back to bed."

Lexa sighed and scooted backwards. She immediately relaxed as she pulled the covers back on and pulled them up to her neck.

Lincoln grabbed a thermometer and placed it in Lexa's air. He waited until it beeped. "You're running a fever. Anything else bothering you?"

Lexa swallowed painfully, wincing at how raw her throat felt. "My head and throat hurt," she admitted. "Can I get some tea, please?"

"Sure thing," Lincoln grinned.

Lexa scooted backwards until her pillow was propped up and she was more sitting than laying down. Her headache was still persistently throbbing in her temples and her throat was getting dryer by the second, but she refused to let it show.

Lincoln came back with a bottle of warm hot. "Here. Now, since you missed out on breakfast, what do you want for early lunch?"

With a shake of head, Lexa started to protest that she wasn't hungry, and she wasn't sure if she was feeling good enough to eat anyway. But Lincoln's gaze told her this wasn't negotiable. "Soup?"

"Soup it is."

Lincoln wasn't the one who came back with a soup. Instead, it was Clarke. She set it up on the table and stuffed her hands in her pockets before turning to Lexa. "Let's get some food in you."

"Am I getting special treatment?" Lexa asked, and it sounded flirty and it threw Lexa off. She hadn't intended it that way.

Clarke showed no signs of being disgusted, weirded out, or even taking it as flirting. "I figured I could check on you. And also update you about Tris and Aden."

Lexa perked up.

"All charges have been dropped," Clarke said as she helped Lexa out of the bed. She made a mental note to grab a spare blanket in case Lexa would need one. "I don't really know why but I heard I have you to thank. So, whatever you did, I hope I can repay you. Aden was moved to a new therapist who is used to working with transgender youth. He'll still need help for bulimia, but so far, he's been much happier. And Tris was moved to a safe community housing for young adults with schizophrenia."

Lexa took a seat at the table. "I didn't do anything," she said and shrugged. "I told Anya to help in whatever way she can. So, she's the one you have to thank."

"I'm thanking you instead. And when she comes to visit you, I'll thank her as well. Enjoy your soup."

Lexa clenched her jaw and then blurted out, "can you stay?". She immediately regretted it and lowered her head to eye the soup. "Never mind, you'll probably busy."

"Actually, it's either this or spotting Bellamy lifting weights. And I'm not really in the mood to watch him grunt and sweat," Clarke replied casually and sat down on the other chair.

"How did you come up with an idea to have your own private treatment center?" Lexa asked before she took a spoonful of soup. She had gotten used to eating to the sound of utensils hitting plates and people chewing and slurping.

Clarke crossed her legs to make herself more comfortable while trying to think of a good answer. "I've never been to treatment center. When I was diagnosed with an eating disorder I was hospitalized and then later worked with an outpatient program, but it just felt so… distant. When my therapy ended I didn't know how to go from day to day life. I wanted to be someone people can rely on and reach out to no matter what day or time it was. Eating disorders don't sleep or have holidays off. And then I met Raven and she was already discussing plans with Bellamy. I just brought in the money and made it happen."

"That's honorable," Lexa commented.

"Thank you. We actually have plans for renovations, but there's always new patients and I'd rather wait longer than kick someone out," Clarke admitted. "How do you like it here now? Or do you still hate it?"

Lexa swallowed another spoonful. The soup was warm, and she couldn't really smell it or taste it well, but it felt nice in her tummy. Not like usually, when she felt it settle heavily in her stomach. "I've never hated it. But, I got used to it."

"Still don't like it?"

Lexa made the mistake of looking into Clarke's eyes and the fluttering eyelashes and a teasing smile made her choke a little on the soup. She coughed in her sleeve, feeling heat spread through her body. She wasn't sure if it was fever, soup, or embarrassment though. "I do," she croaked out.

Clarke smiled. "It's okay. I've had patients who arrived in the morning and left in the afternoon. And I've also had patients who didn't want to go home. As long as you find balance between work and meals, you'll do great. Maybe a little more socialization wouldn't hurt either, but we're all built differently."

Lexa agreed. But knowing what needed to be done and doing it were still two very different things.

Clarke blinked in surprise when she realized Lexa's spoon hit the empty bowl and Lexa looked just as startled at the realization. But Clarke quickly scolded her features into more neutral. "Do you want to go back to bed or join some activities?"

"Both," Lexa said.

"Since you just had lunch you can take a nap and we'll see how you feel afterwards," Clarke contemplated. "If you want an extra blanket let me know."

"Yes, please. And thank you."

Clarke left the room for a minute and returned with a blanket and gave Lexa a pill that would soothe the throat and make falling asleep a little easier.

Lexa collapsed into her bed and buried herself beneath the duvet and the blanket as soon as the door closed. She was content and warm and easily fell asleep.

By the time she woke up, there were voices in the hallway and they were slowly getting further away. Lexa checked her phone and saw she woke up just in time for the activities before dinner. Maybe it was her sickness giving her the courage, but she wanted to try something new.

She ended up at the chess competition.

"Are you playing today?" someone asked her curiously. Lexa wasn't sure if they ever spoke before, but she nodded. "Good luck. You're competing against the ultimate champion today."

The ultimate champion was Clarke. Lexa put on her stoic mask and took a seat. There was a healthy amount of tension around them as everyone spectating waited for the game to start. Lexa hadn't played chess in years, but she wasn't bad at it.

Clarke, on the other hand, was quick and thoughtful and it always threw Lexa off her game when she had to think about her next movie. It was to no one's surprise that Clarke won. They stood up and Clarke jokingly bowed to the clapping crowd.

"How are you feeling?" Clarke asked softly.

Lexa just nodded tiredly. Clarke placed her hand on Lexa's lower back and Lexa didn't even flinch. Instead, she soaked in the warmth and the comfort. She was too tired to realize she was leaning into the touch until Clarke withdrew and steadied her.

"Let's get you back to bed, okay?"

Lexa hummed and tried to ignore how right Clarke's hand on her back felt. It must have been the fever talking.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been pulling 10 hour shifts for the second week now, so i'm pretty dead

The clock in Clarke's office had never ticked louder. Lexa had disappeared into her thoughts a few minutes ago and listened to the steady rhythm of the clock. It was soothing, it was predictable, and it echoed in Lexa's head.

"So?"

Lexa startled back into reality with wide eyes. She gently shook her head. "So?" she repeated.

Clarke pursed her lips, trying to hide her amusement. "Have you not heard what I said?" Sheepishly, Lexa shook her head and Clarke bit her lip to prevent herself from laughing. "I said you can go home."

Lexa stared frozen at Clarke, trying to figure out how she missed that information during the conversation. Her heart skipped a beat before hammering rapidly and she could feel the pulse in her fingertips. "What?" she eventually whispered.

"You didn't hear a word, did you?"

"Sorry, no."

Clarke smiled. "You've been doing really well, and your eating disorder is in control and you haven't had a panic attack in two weeks. You've started talking to other people, you're joining activities you've never tried before. You're ready. But, don't mistake it, this is a trial. You're only going home for one day. I want to see how you handle work and food before sending you home for good."

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows. "Wait, you think I'm actually ready to go home?"

"Yes. But this is a-"

"Trial, yes," Lexa interrupted. "So, when can I leave?"

"When can Anya pick you up?" Clarke asked without missing a beat. "Although, if possible I would like you to be at home for twenty-four hours, which means spending the night and having a full day at work."

Work. It had been such a long time it almost sounded unfamiliar. And Lexa was worried. Worried that she wouldn't be able to handle the pressure of running the company or not being able to find the balance between work and personal life. "Tonight? Tomorrow?" Lexa couldn't decide.

"How about you call Anya?" Clarke offered.

Lexa's head started nodding but she made no effort to stand up.

Clarke smiled endearingly at her. "Are you okay?"

"Overwhelmed," she admitted. She took a deep breath. "But I also think I'm ready."

"Call Anya when you're ready and then let me know, alright?"

Lexa smiled and left Clarke's office, still feeling woozy from the thought of going home. She missed home and she there wasn't a day that went by when she didn't think about it. But now that she had the option of leaving she was terrified.

Her phone was waiting for her on the nightstand next to her bed. She picked it up and hesitated. Most of Lexa's interactions with Anya were based on texting and not calling. Lexa pressed on Anya's name and took a deep breath as it started ringing.

"Lexa?"

"Hi, Anya," Lexa greeted.

"How are you? Are you okay?" Anya was immediately worried.

"Yes, yes, I'm okay. I'm good," Lexa reassured her. "How are you? How's work?"

"It's doing really well. Still busy."

There was a pause in the conversation. Lexa swallowed nervously. "So, um, I had a session with Clarke." Anya stayed quiet. "And she said I can go home."

"W-what?"

Lexa laughed. "I can go home. Just for a day. But Clarke was wondering when you can pick me up. She wants me to spend the night at home and go to work and basically do everything I would normally do. So… When can you pick me up?"

"Now?" Anya blurted out.

"Now?"

"Have you already had dinner?"

Lexa shook her head before realizing Anya couldn't see her. "Not yet. It's in fifteen minutes."

"Okay. I'll come get you after dinner," Anya promised. "Does that work?"

"Yes. I can't wait to see you," Lexa admitted.

Anya sighed. "Me too, kiddo. I'm excited. I'll get your room ready. Do you need anything special? Do you want something to snack on for later?"

"No, I think I'll be okay. Just come and get me and we'll figure out the rest when I get home," Lexa said. She didn't really snack after dinner. She was still struggling with actual meals, so snacking wasn't something she had thought of so far in her recovery. Bread for breakfast was still just a 'maybe tomorrow' thought.

Lexa hung up on the phone and looked around her room. She was also very meticulous with the way she folded her clothes so getting her suitcase packed was a quick and easy task. Dinner was minutes away.

She didn't have to search for Clarke.

There was a knock on the door and Lexa opened it. "Sorry, I was just getting ready."

"I take it you're leaving tonight?" Clarke asked, looking around the packed room.

Lexa nodded. "I talked to Anya and she said she can get me after dinner, as long as that works with you of course."

Clarke beamed. "That sounds splendid. How are you feeling?"

"A little nervous. Scared too. It's just been such a long time since I went to work, and I left without an explanation. It makes me feel guilty."

"There's no reason to be," Clarke stated. "I'm really proud of you."

There was a moment where all Lexa could feel was weird fluttering in her stomach and maybe the words sounded a little overwhelming. She tried to stop herself from smiling widely and shyly glanced at the floor. "Thanks," she whispered. She didn't feel embarrassed about the compliment, not now that she knew how much hard work and effort went into her recovery from both sides, but she was embarrassed about her reaction to it. She wasn't someone who blushed easily. "Dinner's soon so," she muttered awkwardly.

Clarke nodded, her smile never fading. "Of course. I'll see you afterwards to have a quick chat with Anya."

Dinner was uneventful, and Lexa was seating at the corner of a random table. She didn't have any friends after Emori, Tris and Aden were all gone, but she knew she could rely on everyone if needed to. She ran up the stairs as soon as she finished and grabbed her phone.

**Anya  
already here, take your time**

Not bothering with a reply, Lexa was forced to use the slow elevator because dragging a suitcase down four flights of stairs just didn't seem like a good idea. Anya was in the lobby. Hands in her pockets. Same as always, but maybe a little less worried and more refreshed looking. Lexa didn't realize how much her actions were affecting Anya as well.

"Lex."

Lexa took a long step forward and clung to Anya. She visited whenever she could, and Lexa never felt alone. But knowing she was taking her home, even if just for one day, made Lexa even more sentimental.

"I want her back tomorrow before bed time," Clarke ordered with a playful wink.

Anya laughed because she knew it was a joke.

Lexa got flustered.

"Let me help you," Anya offered, taking the suitcase.

Lexa didn't realize how much colder it had gotten until she shivered even under her woolen hoodie. She wrapped her arms around herself and followed Anya to the car. "Hey, can I drive?"

Anya furrowed her eyebrows. She knew Lexa wasn't fond of driving and only did it when absolutely necessary. But she nodded. She tossed Lexa the keys and Lexa caught them, her reflexes quick.

Taking a seat behind the wheel Lexa took a deep breath. It had been a long time since she drove a car. And Anya looked rather weary of the situation, buckled tightly and squeezing the arm rest. "If you're uncomfortable we can still switch," Lexa offered but Anya denied it. She turned the car on and reversed it out of the parking spot and out of the treatment center. It felt liberating. Maybe it would be more glamorous if she did it on her actual discharge day, but this was the closest to it. She got on the highway and sped towards their home.

The penthouse was exactly the same and maybe that's why it felt almost wrong to be there. It was still the same colors as when Lexa bought it, modern grey and white colors and empty walls. She always said she would put art on it eventually, but life got in the way.

"Have you been staying here?" Lexa asked.

Anya shrugged. "Sometimes. It just feels weird without you being here, so I only stopped by to do laundry or cook something quickly. Why?"

"I don't know. It feels… different, doesn't it?"

"A little. What do you want to do? Watch a movie? Talk? Go to bed early?" Anya asked, her nerves showing through the rushed questions.

Lexa shrugged. "We can just talk. Visitation talk isn't the same."

Anya nodded. They moved to the couch and she pulled her legs up. "Anything particular you want to talk about?"

"The company," Lexa replied without a second thought. "Is there anything I have to know for tomorrow? I know you didn't know until earlier that I was coming home today, but are there any meetings we can have? Budget runs? Important papers to sign?"

"There's the usual morning briefing and we do have one of the clients coming in later, so you can take it over. Indra and I have been making notes during all of our meetings, so everything's nicely detailed for you to read through if you want," Anya explained.

Lexa shook her head. "I trust you and Indra."

"Are you nervous to go back to work?"

The lie was on the tip of Lexa's tongue. She could easily dismiss the question and pretend nothing had changed. "Yes," came out instead. "It's been a while. I guess I'm worried what people are going to think about me and why I've been gone for so long."

"If you want to explain yourself, go for it. Once you're back for good, of course. But if you don't want to, you don't have to say anything. Whatever you decide to do, we'll support you."

"I need more time," Lexa admitted. "And I need this trial day to go okay, so I'll save the heavy stuff for some other time. I'm seriously behind on movies and TV shows though. Catch me up."

Anya grabbed the remote and turned on the TV.

They ended up watching something they had already seen together, but the familiarity was needed. Lexa finally relaxed and pulled her feet up on the couch halfway through. She felt like a guest at the beginning and a change of scenery was suddenly all she could think of. She needed to look into a new place.

"Hey, Anya, do you plan on moving out?"

"Eventually, yes. Why?"

Lexa glanced at her cousin and back at the tv. "I think maybe I could use a new place. Something a little out of the city. Or at least not a penthouse." She didn't need her own track field, but the nearest park was a pathetic little piece of grass that dogs used as toilet.

Anya raised her eyebrows. "How come?"

"I just need some outdoor space. Or a park nearby. Why?"

"I've been trying to get you to move out of the city for years and you never budged. I just assumed you actually love living here."

There was nothing to complain about the penthouse. It was modern and expensive and exactly how you would imagine a cocky CEO living. But Lexa didn't want an indoor and outdoor pool, a hot tub she had never used, and a kitchen that was filled with shiny appliances that were never put to use. She just needed a home. "I guess I just realized how closed this is."

"We'll find you something," Anya assured her. "There's plenty of great houses and apartments. Hell, you can have one built from scratch if you want."

Lexa smiled. "I'll think about it."

One movie turned into two and Lexa was still awake by the time she would normally fall asleep. She was tired though and her eyes were drooping. But she fought it, feeling like a toddler. She had more energy than she used to, but just the whole preparation of going home and how sudden it was, wore her out.

"I'm going to sleep," Anya said when she realized Lexa wasn't going to say it first.

Lexa hummed and stood up. "Me too." She dumped her clothes in her bathroom to do laundry the next day and changed into pajamas. She planned to wake up early the next day, like she used to, and go to the gym for a little bit before having breakfast and going to work. Her alarm was set obnoxiously early.

Lexa slept through it.

She didn't intentionally sleep through it, but her body was well adjusted to the treatment timetable. She did wake up earlier than usually though. Lexa groaned as she stretched in her bed. She forgot how good having a king-sized bed felt. She got up, her hair messy and her feet clad in socks shuffling along the warm hardwood floor. She poured herself a glass of water and then looked towards the hallway that led to the gym.

Lexa changed into shorts and a tank top and went to her gym. It looked deserted, like no one hadn't been in there for months. It was probably true. Lexa went for a light jog on the treadmill, similar to what she would have done outside on the track field. And afterwards she lifted some weights, but she didn't want to overdo it and end up sore. The pool was calling her name. And Lexa dove in with her clothes.

That’s how Anya found her ten minutes later. "You're swimming."

Lexa stopped mid stroke and placed her feet on the tiled floor. "Yeah. Want to join me?"

"Now?"

Lexa shrugged. Anya took a cautious step closer and Lexa swung her arm towards her, spraying Anya's legs with water.

"Hey!"

Lexa just laughed.

Anya rolled her eyes, but this new playful side of Lexa was both amusing and endearing. "What do you want for breakfast?" she asked, testing the topic. Usually Lexa would have gotten defensive about it and denied any kind of service.

This Lexa looked interested. "What are you making?"

"Nothing yet. Eggs and bacon?"

That sounded like a lot. "How about oats with yogurt and some cut up fruits?" Lexa requested instead. "I need to shower anyway." She pulled herself out of the pool, her wet clothes clinging to her body. She felt Anya's eyes on her and it made her walk a little faster. But she knew her body had changed a little. Her hip bones still protruded, but not as much, and her ribcage wasn't sticking out anymore. Her body proportions were still the same though.

After a refreshing shower breakfast was waiting for her, just the way she wanted it. Anya was staring at her rather nervously and Lexa knew she couldn't blame her. She took a seat on the bar stool, not bothering to go to the dining room. "You're not eating?"

Anya raised her plate with protein blueberry pancakes.

"That looks really good," Lexa admitted.

"Wanna try? I'm doing this new thing where I'm trying the protein food."

Lexa nodded. She picked up the fork and stabbed it in the pancake. After three bites she was holding tightly onto the plate, her bowl of oatmeal long forgotten. "This is so good," she mumbled. "I love it."

"I guess I'm having your oats then," Anya muttered in surprise.

Lexa learned that she really needed to, and wanted to, experiment with food more. She always used to eat the same thing over and over. Even in treatment center she was terrified of trying new food. Maybe this was why Clarke sent her home.

By the time they were leaving for work Lexa realized she was more nervous than she thought she would be. Her hands were trembling just the slightest. She was wearing her casual work outfit which consisted of black skinny jeans and a dark shirt, leaving the first two buttons unbuttoned.

"Are you ready?"

Lexa smiled. "I hope so."

Anya drove them to work and it felt normal. The company didn't change in exterior and when Lexa walked past the security guard in the lobby his eyes widened in recognition and he grinned at her. The people didn't change either.

Lexa took her personal elevator straight up to her office. Being a CEO had its perks, and that was one of those. Her office was different though. It used to look so impersonal, Lexa didn't really bother decorating it after her parents passed away and all their belongings were put in a box because she couldn't bear staring at them.

"I did some redecorating. I hope you don't mind," Anya said.

"No, it looks… It looks good." The walls were painted to a pastel blue and Lexa was starting to love the color. Her desk was placed in the corner so that she could stare through the windows while also having a view of the door. Couches were added, and the chairs were upgraded to more comfortable ones. There were letters on her desk. "What's this?"

"I believe they're letters from Aden and Tris. I didn't open them, but I thought it would be a nice touch."

Lexa smiled. They were placed next to a framed picture of her and her parents. And there was another one of her and Anya. A hanging picture on the wall with all the employees and a large cake from celebrating the company's tenth birthday. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'll be in my office if you need me," Anya said softly.

Lexa opened the letters as soon as the door closed. Aden's was really cheerful, and Lexa could tell how excited he was about starting transition. Lexa made a mental note to write back at some point. Tris's was sadder, but still hopeful. She was obviously very ashamed and sorry and apologized multiple times and Lexa couldn't deny that she didn't tear up. She looked down at her palm. The pink line was the only physical reminder of the incident and it stopped hurting a long time ago. She made a promise to visit Tris once she was out of treatment for good.

The schedule was light, but Lexa still ran one meeting. She was surprised at how natural it felt to go back to being a leader.

And then it was lunch time. Which Lexa would normally ignore. She had no idea what kind of food there was around. The options were endless as it was the center of the city, that much she knew.

Anya was her savior. "I went to this falafel place down the street and got an extra. Do you want to try it?"

Lexa nodded. She moved to the couch and Anya placed the takeaway box on the coffee table. She opened the box and hesitantly inhaled. It smelled good. There were a few falafels in it along with vegetables and a dip. It tasted good. Lexa didn't eat everything, but it was good, and she was satisfied.

There was one more meeting and then a one-on-one conversation with one of the investors who waited a long time just to talk to Lexa. There was one part about work that she forgot. It was exhausting. It was fun and rewarding, but also tiring. After doing some paperwork and going through some contracts, Anya came by to tell her that she was leaving. Lexa looked at the time on her computer and realized it was already five.

Lexa almost fell asleep when they were driving back to the apartment. She still needed to pack the clothes that were still in the dryer and also eat dinner.

"What do you say about some chicken salad?"

Lexa nodded. She didn't want to eat too much, and a salad sounded like a simple meal. She helped Anya season and grill the chicken and some of the vegetables were fresh while others were cooked. Adding some dressing on top and Lexa loved it.

The drive back to the facility was quiet and not uncomfortable, but definitely tense. Lexa didn't know what to say and Anya hated goodbyes.

"See you soon," Anya said instead.

"Yes." Hopefully.

Lexa didn't need Anya to follow her back to her room. She took the suitcase and rode the elevator up to her floor. The room was left unchanged. But Lexa had a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach, so she decided to go to the cafeteria to get some tea.

"Hey, you're back," Clarke said, holding her mug.

Lexa smiled tiredly. "I am. It was good."

"Do you need anything?"

Instead of tea, Lexa ended up grabbing an apple. She saw it and just wanted to bite into it. It was the closest thing to a food craving she felt. "I'm good now."

Clarke cocked her head to the side. "Did you eat dinner?"

"Mhm," Lexa hummed after taking a bite and swallowed. "Anya and I grilled chicken and boiled some vegetables and made a salad. It was good. And I had falafel for lunch and I accidentally ate Anya's blueberry protein pancakes for breakfast."

Clarke laughed. "It sounds like you've had a good day. I'm sure our food seems nothing compared to what you just had today."

"It's okay."

"Tired?" Clarke guessed when she saw Lexa try to hide a yawn behind her almost finished apple.

Lexa nodded. "I had a few meetings today. But it was good. It wasn't as nerve wrecking as I expected it to be. It just felt normal."

Clarke reached out to run her thumb against Lexa's forearm. "That's incredible. I'm really happy for you."

"I might move though."

"How come?"

"Because the penthouse isn't really for me anymore. I realized that close spaces with no nature around might end up driving me insane. I do love it and I am grateful, it just doesn't feel like home anymore."

Clarke nodded in understanding. "You don't have to explain it to me, or anyone else for that matter. If it doesn't feel right, it just doesn't. You now know what's best for you and I trust your judgement. You should too."

Lexa smiled tiredly. She threw the stem away and tucked her hands in pockets. She wasn't sure why she was still lingering around when she could just go straight to bed.

"We'll talk about your trip home tomorrow, okay?" Clarke asked. "It's probably for the best if you go to sleep now."

It sounded dismissive and Lexa sighed in disappointment. She wasn't sure what she was disappointed about, she just knew it hurt.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who's commenting and showing interest in this story

Everything was about to change, and she couldn't understand any of it. Lexa's eyes were glued to the large window in front of her. Clarke usually pulled the curtains over it, so it wouldn't distract her patients. Clarke wasn't there though.

"Lexa?" Niylah called out her name.

Lexa's head snapped towards Niylah, but her eyes were still focused on the tree outside. She had seen it before, blooming and thriving. And now the leaves were turning brown and falling off. The branches moved with the wind. She heard Niylah sigh and her shoulders slumped, knowing she was closing off again. It was her last week in the treatment center. Her final week for hopefully ever. And she was failing.

"I understand you felt a little attacked by my first approach, but we've been sitting here for almost twenty minutes and you still hadn't said anything," Niylah pointed out.

Lexa still didn't like her. She didn't know why. She was probably a great doctor, must have been if Clarke chose her. But if Niylah was there it meant that Clarke was gone. Lexa nodded defeatedly because that was all she could manage.

"You've talked to Clarke about what it takes to go home, right?"

Lexa sighed and nodded. She needed to be eating all meals, participate, join activities, talk in her therapy sessions. It was her last week and she was failing all of it.

"Okay. I'll let you work this out with her."

Lexa knew that was a dismissal, so she left the office and took the elevator up to her room. She wanted to call Anya and tell her that something weird might be happening to her, but she wasn't sure if Anya would understand. The last time Lexa felt like this was with Costia. And that ended up being a complete disaster. Part of the reason why she was here.

It wasn't all bad, though. The feelings. They just didn't make sense and Lexa didn't want them. They came at a wrong time and for probably the wrong person. Clarke was good. She was so good, but she also worked here and had seen more of Lexa's breakdowns than anyone else.

Lexa closed herself in her room until dinner time. Patients kept coming and going, some of them getting better faster than Lexa thought it was possible, others giving up. Lexa was the only constant. At least it felt like that.

At dinner time Lexa forced herself to eat at least a little bit. They were having spaghetti with a weird sauce that Lexa didn't like. She preferred spaghetti bolognese. It didn't sit well in her stomach and by the time lights turned off in the hallway she was starting to feel sick. Lexa hadn't felt sick since her earliest weeks in the treatment.

Her legs trembled as she rolled out of the bed and her throat was starting to close up and she had to swallow down the acidic saliva to stop herself from throwing up. She walked down the hallway to the room and knocked. She knocked so gently she wasn't sure if it was even audible.

Clarke opened the door with a soft smile but immediately frowned. "Hey. What's wrong? You look pale." She reached out to touch Lexa's forehead.

Lexa's eyes immediately watered, and she hated herself for it.

Clarke's eyes turned concerned. "Come inside."

Lexa allowed herself to be pulled in the room. She was chewing on her lip trying to fight back her tears, but she could feel them burn her eyes and then tickled her cheeks. Lexa reached up and roughly scratched her skin, leaving red scratches behind.

"Hey," Clarke said softly, grabbing Lexa's other hand too so she wouldn't hurt herself further. "What's wrong?"

"I just… I just don't get it," Lexa sobbed.

"What don't you get?"

"Anything, everything."

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows. "I don't understand."

Lexa cried harder because neither did she. She was vaguely aware of being pulled down to the bed and then she found herself sitting with her face buried in her hands.

"May I hug you?" Clarke asked.

Lexa nodded. She went rigid when Clarke's arms went around her waist and couldn't really catch her breath until Clarke started rubbing her back in a comforting motion. She didn't hug back, instead she just sort of slumped in her arms, her face buried in Clarke's shoulder and she was sure she was leaving snot and tears behind. "Sorry," she hiccupped, once she regained some control.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Clarke asked, making no effort to pull away just yet.

"I don't know. I guess I'm feeling kind of nauseous and I panicked," Lexa admitted embarrassingly and then pulled away to hide her face away from Clarke.

"Why did you get nauseous?"

Lexa shrugged. "Dinner."

"Was it not good?"

"It was… okay. Not my favorite."

Clarke nodded but as she kicked off her slippers and pulled her feet on the bed Lexa realized they weren't done yet. "I know you've been having a rough week. And I don’t know why, but it's my job to help you through it."

Lexa moved her jaw from side to side and gritted her teeth until they hurt to try and find a way to explain what she was feeling. "I'm leaving on Monday."

"Yes. Though, I do want you to have at least two good days before I let you go. There's not many days left but you've made an incredible progress here. Whatever worries you, it shouldn't. You're ready. You just need to believe you're ready too."

"Yeah," Lexa murmured.

"Look, I don't care if you had a bad session with Niylah. And I'm sorry that this is the second time I had to suddenly cancel. My mom is a surgeon and she doesn't get a lot of free time, but when she wants to meet for lunch it basically means I have to go or I can't see her again for months," Clarke explained.

Lexa swallowed. "Oh."

"I know Niylah can be a bit rough. But she still wants what's best for you and as long as you cooperate you should be okay. Don't worry though, I'm not going anywhere anymore. Are you feeling better now? Still sick?"

At the mention of sickness, her stomach turned around and Lexa grimaced in pain. "Still hurts."

"Want to take a bath?"

"Bath?"

Clarke smiled and nodded. She stood up and slid across the room in her socks to the door. "The perks of being on-floor advisor. There's a bath."

"It's yours," Lexa argued.

"I'm not in it."

Lexa could feel her cheeks heat up at the not so innocent though of Clarke in the bathtub while she was also in it. "Right." But as much as Lexa craved bathtubs, she wasn't going to use Clarke's. "I can't. Thank you for the offer though."

"I told you, you can."

"I don't want to," Lexa corrected herself.

Clarke nodded. "Okay. Do you want to talk? Not the therapy talk, just random friend to friend talk."

Friend. So, Clarke considered her a friend? Lexa wanted to shake her head and retrieve herself in her room, but she had questions. About the treatment center, about Clarke's family. She was curious. "Okay. Can I ask you a question?"

Clarke smirked. "I don't know, can you?"

Lexa rolled her eyes. "May I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

Lexa groaned, and Clarke laughed. It was pretty and melodic and Lexa both loved and hated the way her body reacted to the sound. She was almost twenty-five and only just now getting butterflies for the first time. She thought that was just something that existed in high school and fairytales.

Clarke nudged Lexa with her knee. "Sorry for teasing you. Ask me anything."

"Do you ever have free time?"

The randomness of the question surprised Clarke. But she didn't hesitate with an answer. "Sometimes. We do try to close the treatment center once every year so that the walls can be repainted and anything that needs to be fixed is fixed without disrupting anyone who would be living here. So, whenever we have maintenance workers over, we have days off. Do you have days off?"

"Not really. I mean, technically they are days off, but I still usually do work. Just at home. But at least I get to go home at the end of the day, you're here all the time."

Clarke shrugged. "I try to make sure that every one of my staff members gets a day off once per week. It just so happens that I can't do the same. But, Maya is working on her degree and once she finishes school I'll promote her. Raven keeps telling me I need to hire more doctors."

"You like being in control too," Lexa realized.

"Busted," Clarke sang.

Lexa smiled.

"If you could change one thing right now, what would you change?" Clarke asked. "Don't worry, I'm not going to analyze your answer."

There was a moment of silence, where Lexa really thought about her answer. There was so much she wanted to change. "Take everyone's pain away. You?"

"Change the way we see the world. I'd paint the sky purple, grass red and oceans yellow."

Lexa closed her eyes and smiled at the mental image of yellow oceans. "Do you ever wish you could take your eating disorder away?"

Clarke leaned back until she was lying on the bed. "Yes. All the time, to be honest. It's been four years since the last time I purged, but sometimes I still struggle. There's always days when I think about how unfair this is, why me, why is this still a part of my life and how can I leave it in the past. But, right now I'm content. I'm happy with where I am."

A long sigh came from Lexa's side as she realized her fight was far from over.

"What's your biggest fear?" Clarke asked.

"Rational or irrational?"

"Both."

"My rational fear right now is that it won't get better than this. That I've somehow peaked in recovery and that's it. Irrational fear is beating eaten by a spider."

Clarke laughed. "Eaten by a spider?"

Lexa snorted. "It's a thing I've had since I was little. Don't tell her I said that, but Anya's biggest fear is falling out of a flying plane. She can't sit near the windows."

"My biggest fear is stepping in a dog poop with my bare foot."

Lexa burst out laughing because it was the most ridiculous fear she had ever heard, and she didn't stop laughing until she realized she was laying on the bed, her hands clutching her stomach. "You're afraid of dog poop?"

"Of stepping in it with a bare foot. It's gross!"

Lexa laughed again and then feigned being hurt when Clarke gently hit her in the shoulder. She rubbed over the spot. "Ouch."

"Shut up," Clarke blurted out.

Lexa's eyes glanced at her in amusement and she wasn't aware of their proximity until their eyes met. They were lying side by side on the bed. "Did you just say shut up?"

"Yes. Random fact about me, I curse like a sailor."

"No way," Lexa argued.

Clarke nodded. "You can ask Raven. Or Bellamy. Or Octavia. Or even Lincoln. They will all confirm it. I have to refrain really hard from swearing during therapy, activities and field trips. That's why most of it comes out in the break room when people steal my sandwich."

"Someone dared to steal your sandwich?"

"Bellamy. Twice. He claimed he didn't see my name on the wrapper. I was furious," Clarke told and Lexa could just imagine the angry look on Clarke's face when she realized her lunch was gone. "I almost resorted to violence before Octavia offered to order takeout."

The mention of food was so casual that Lexa almost forgot Clarke once struggled with an eating disorder. She wondered if she was ever going to be the same, if some day talking about food could be fun for her too. Lexa went quiet and Clarke turned towards her.

"Are you feeling better?"

Lexa shrugged. Her stomach still felt unsettled, but it wasn't hurting, and she could have just easily gone back to her room.

"Want to watch something on the TV?" Clarke offered. She didn't think twice about it and leaned over Lexa to reach for the remote on the nightstand. Whether she noticed Lexa's breath hitch or not, Lexa didn't know.

The TV was turned on and set on some news channel which updated Lexa with all the fucked up political situations she wanted to pretend never happened. It just angered her, the way some people were so ignorant and just plan rude to anyone who was even remotely different. Lexa sighed, and Clarke changed the channel.

"I agree," Clarke spoke quietly. "It's a fucked-up world we live in right now. I'm hoping it's just temporarily, but I know we won't always be able to fix the damage. It's just wistful thinking." Clarke paused. "Maybe a movie will help."

 It was an old western movie and Lexa found it offensive on a whole new level, the war between American cowboys and indigenous people was nothing to be proud of. But it was a movie Lexa was familiar with, she had seen her parents watch it before and the random shouting was lulling her to sleep.

When Lexa woke up she still felt tired and her eyes felt too heavy to be opened. She felt oh so warm and comfortable and when she wiggled into the warmth a set of arms tightened around her waist. Lexa stopped breathing and her eyes snapped open in panic. She suddenly felt very awake. Her lungs started burning and she remembered to inhale. It felt overwhelming by how not wrong it felt to have Clarke near. She hated cuddling with Costia. Mostly because she always smelled like liquor and her body was too warm and their limbs never quite fit well. Lexa stayed awake for another half hour, terrified to move or breathe too fast in case it would wake Clarke up and then she would have to acknowledge whatever they were doing.

When morning came around the curtains were pulled aside, and the other half of the bed was empty and cool. Lexa stretched her legs and curled her toes before rolling over. The room was empty and quiet. Lexa sneaked out, much like she did when she was eighteen and her girlfriend at the time had a nosy family.

Avoiding Clarke proved to be a difficult task. Mostly because they still had their sessions, which were daily now that Lexa was so close to leaving the treatment center. She listened and spoke when she needed to, but she couldn't meet her eyes. Whether Clarke knew she was embarrassed or if she was just writing it up as Lexa's usual behavior, Lexa didn't know. It was nerve wrecking though.

Anya came to visit on Thursday which was unusual because Anya only ever came by on Fridays or the weekends. But Lexa was happy to see her. They talked about what going home would mean to Lexa and Anya promised to help out but also let her have space to figure out the schedule on her own. Anya knew Lexa well enough to immediately realize that something wasn't right. "What's wrong?"

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?" She had just finished explaining her last check up with Octavia.

"It's just… You seem kind of off. Like something happened."

"Oh."

Anya frowned. "Lex?"

"I don't know," Lexa murmured, looking around to see if anyone was listening or paying attention to them. "I'm just… having a weird moment, I guess."

"Okay. But what happened?" Anya questioned.

Lexa sighed. "It's dumb. It's really not that big of a deal. Even I have no idea what's going on."

Anya was confused. "I don't get it. What are you talking about?"

"I kind of… I think… I think I like someone? It's just really bad timing and unfortunate circumstances and I don't really know what the hell I'm doing. I'm not trying to date her or anything, and she doesn't even know, but it's there and I feel it," Lexa rambled, stuttering over how words and ended up her sentence with motioning over her chest and stomach.

But Anya smiled. "That's good. You know you're still allowed to have feelings for other people, right? Not everyone is going to end up leaving you and Costia was just… not a mistake, but you were both in bad states and not thinking clearly. It wasn't healthy. But you can still have healthy relationships with other people."

"I don't think I'm ready. And I don't really want to talk about it. I just want to go home and go back to work and figure out a routine that works for me. That's my priority for now," Lexa said, changing the subject.

"Okay. Well, Indra and I have been making calls and adjusting schedules, so you'll be pretty busy for a while once you come back. There's a lot of people that are waiting to meet with you and a neat pile of papers to sign," Anya explained. "But, it's spread out evenly. We really made sure you have time for lunches and emergency meetings and conference calls and things like that."

"Thank you."

Lexa successfully avoided Clarke until late Saturday. It was her last field trip and they went ice skating to a nearby arena and then later those who wanted were able to play a short game of hockey. Lexa joined the group because she liked the idea of sliding across the ice. She also thought she looked badass in the given equipment. Which was the first time in a long time that Lexa felt anything other than ordinary.

When they returned back to the treatment center she was pulled inside of her room with a gentle tug on her wrist. It startled her, but she didn't make a sound.

"I'm sorry," Clarke apologized.

Lexa cleared her throat to get rid of the knot that suddenly formed. "For what?"

"For making you uncomfortable. You fell asleep watching the movie and I assumed you would rather sleep in peace than me waking you up and shooing you back to your room. I wasn't thinking that maybe you wanted to go back. You've been avoiding me, and you don't have to," Clarke explained.

Lexa could feel her face heat up as she nodded. She didn't want to explain that the reason she was embarrassed was because she woke up with Clarke cuddling her. "It's okay."

"Is it?"

"Yes. I was just embarrassed. It's nothing you did."

Clarke stared at Lexa for a while and Lexa wasn't sure if she was being analyzed or if Clarke was just trying to figure something out. "Okay," Clarke said and then beamed at her. "So, are you ready?"

Lexa's shoulders relaxed, and she immediately nodded. "I can't wait to go home and go back to work. Anya's already made some calls to see if there's a good therapist around the company, so I can continue with therapies once I'm home, if I'll need to."

Clarke smiled softly, it wasn't her usual wide beaming grin, but it was just as pretty, and Lexa's stomach fluttered with knowledge that this was directed at her. "I'm really proud of you. Don't be a stranger, Lexa."

Sunday rolled around, and Lexa woke up with an extra bounce in her steps. She was going home. She was worried she wouldn't be excited, but she could barely contain her smile as she entered the cafeteria. Everyone around her seemed to notice her perky behavior because there was a woman across the room who smiled and waved at her. Lexa smiled back because she thought it was the polite thing to do but the other woman took it as an invitation and took a seat next to her. Lexa was pretty sure she was being flirted with and she didn't know how to feel about it. It felt good to know she was desired, but she didn't know how to deal with it.

By the time lunch was over the room was empty. Lexa's suitcase was packed and in front of the door, her backpack was ready and slung over her shoulders. The sheets were bare, the chairs tucked neatly near the table, window opened. It looked the same as it did when Lexa got here, but it felt different.

When Lexa came here she was mostly angry. Angry at Anya, angry at this place, angry at herself. And now she felt less disconnected with herself. She knew this wasn't the end, that her recovery wasn't going to just progress by itself, but it felt like a solid start. She was eating now. She gained a healthy amount of weight. Her body still looked the same, but she felt better. She wasn't as lethargic and irritated. Her head wasn't throbbing. Her stomach wasn't hurting. Her mind was clearer. For the first time Lexa felt ready to leave.

Lexa felt ready to face the real world.

Anya was waiting in the lobby, talking to Raven, Clarke and Octavia.

Lexa gently cleared her throat and all of their attention shifted on her. She smiled at her cousin.

"Are you all set?" Anya asked, swinging the car keys in her hand.

"Yes."

There was a short goodbye speech that Raven delivered, and Octavia added a few words about progress and what Lexa's recovery from that point should look like. It was mostly information for Anya, because Lexa already heard it before and even had a printed booklet.

While Raven was going through the last details a warm hand reached into Lexa's for a moment and then the warmth was replaced by a scratchy feeling of a paper.

"What's that?" Lexa asked, eyes meeting Clarke's.

"It's my personal phone number. If you're ever in the area and want to drop by, you can text me. Or if you ever to get some coffee or something, though I can't promise that I'll always be available."

Lexa glanced at the paper and saw Clarke's number neatly scribbled along with her name. As if Lexa could ever forget her name. She was about to do the same with her number, but Raven was waving goodbye, Octavia rubbed her shoulder and Anya was dragging her away.

Lexa tried to pout but the excitement that took over when she saw the car was too much. She was going home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa's time in the treatment center might have ended but her personal journey is far from over


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to 20gayteen, hope your new year was eventful but safe and may your year be good

Going back to work was more anti-climactic than Lexa had expected it to be. The world didn't look different. The company didn't look different. She didn't view her job any differently either. Everything was just how it was before she went to treatment.

Except for Lexa. She felt different. She carried herself different, she was thinking differently, she was behaving differently. But nobody could see. Nobody noticed. And nobody had the slightest idea why Lexa would be any different than her usual CEO self.

It was Monday afternoon and Lexa was done with her official back to work shift. It was challenging at times and she almost missed out lunch because the budget meeting ran long, but one of the interns brought take-out and it was enough for the whole team and Anya and Lexa. Lexa considered declining it, not wanting the young man to think he could bribe her, but it was just easier to accept the food than make last minute panic decisions about what else to do.

"Did you have a good day?" Anya asked once she parked the car in the underground garage below their apartment building.

Lexa nodded easily. "It was good. Busy, but good." And then she furrowed her eyebrows. "Can I take the car somewhere?"

"Alone?"

"Yeah."

Anya cleared her throat and dropped the keys in Lexa's lap. "You do know that it's your car, right? I trust you. Just let me know when you plan on coming back so I won't worry."

Lexa nodded. She didn't want to say where she was going yet. Not until she was there. She walked around the car and into the driver's seat. She ran her hands over the steering wheel before taking a deep breath and driving out.

Her destination was twenty minutes away in the traffic and she was glad she called beforehand. The brick, fenced building looked intimidating, but Lexa knew it wasn't a bad place. She parked her car by the side of the road and observed the small yard. The grass was freshly cut, and it really didn’t look like teenagers and young adults were residing inside. She rang the doorbell and the atmosphere changed when they opened.

"You must be Lexa," an older, but kind, woman said with a gentle smile.

Lexa accepted the handshake and nodded. "Lexa Woods. Nice to meet you."

"Come on inside. I haven't told her she's getting a visit, but she's going to be happy to see you."

The inside of the home was buzzing with life. Two teen boys were running down the stairs, playfully shoving each other and only stopped when the lady gave them a stern look. They grinned at Lexa and moved to the next room. The hallway to the kitchen was open and she was able to see some youngsters grouped in the room.

But her attention moved to the lady.

"We don't usually get a lot of visitors. Most of these kids were left behind," she admitted sadly. "Our visitation room now changed into a video game room, so don't mind the mess."

There was really no mess. Just pillows on the carpeted floor and controllers neatly stacked in front of them. Lexa stayed by the entrance and patiently waited.

Tris was led in and she was too confused to even notice Lexa at first. But then she grinned, and Lexa just barely managed to find her balance as the teenager barreled into her. Lexa felt like an older sister, or a mentor and she hugged her tightly.

"Hey, Tris."

"You're out?" Tris asked. "For good?"

Lexa laughed. "Yes. No more treatment center. I was released yesterday and went to work today."

Tris thoughtfully furrowed her eyebrows. "What does that feel like?"

"Working?"

"Freedom."

Lexa swallowed at that word and sat down. "Are they treating you good here?" she asked instead.

Tris seemed to notice that Lexa wanted to change the subject. "Yes. It's good here. There are a few other kids that I go to school with and then the nice ladies help us with our homework, if we need it. We're learning how to cook. I have to share my room, but it's not bad. They're like me, so they don't judge."

"You know I don't judge, right?" Lexa wanted Tris to know. "And Aden doesn't either."

"He's been writing me," Tris announced enthusiastically. "He's doing really well and the therapist he has is really nice. He's going to start taking testosterone once he turns seventeen. Aden's really excited and he promised to visit."

Lexa felt at ease, knowing that they were still close friends. "That's amazing. I haven't had the chance to see him yet."

"He's pretty busy. And I assume you will be now, too," Tris said in her grown up voice.

Lexa nodded. "So, how are you? In general?"

Tris shrugged. "I'm okay. The medicine helps. I haven't had an episode since… I was scared because they told me they wanted to sue me and the treatment center, but then they stopped, I guess. School is good too. I'm a year behind from kids my age, but it's okay because Lucy is in my class."

"Does being a year behind bother you?"

"No. It makes sense because I didn't go to school last year."

Lexa hummed. "Do the kids in your class know?"

"About schizophrenia?" Lexa nodded. "No. The teachers know, and some of the classmates, but not everyone. They don't have to."

It made sense and Lexa just nodded.

"Does everyone at work know? About you?"

"No," Lexa croaked out and cleared her throat. "But I'm thinking maybe they should." Tris tilted her head to the side and it reminded her of Clarke and how she did the same thing. She cracked a smile. "I think they deserve to know. That I wasn't just on some long vacation."

"I don't think anyone needs to know," Tris said easily. "But, I do think if you have the opportunity to raise awareness, you should. In case anyone is going through the same thing. Until I met Clarke nobody wanted to talk about schizophrenia with me and it always made me feel like I was insane. It could help somebody, you never know."

"You're a wise kid, you know that?" Lexa asked.

Tris smiled. She looked so young. So innocent. Like she hadn't went through hell and back.

"Hey, if you ever need anything give me a call, yeah?" Lexa offered. "I don't care whether it's a ride from school or money or whatever you want."

"I don't need anything," Tris argued.

"Then just call me if you ever want to see me," Lexa argued and then passed Tris her business card. She would have written it down on a piece of paper, but the lady was leaning against the door frame and Lexa figured she didn't have enough time. She hugged Tris goodbye and sneakily slid twenty dollars in her hand. It wasn't a lot, but Tris looked ecstatic.

When Lexa got to her car she texted Anya she was on her way home.

She wasn't prepared at the sight of Anya cooking. It looked comical, her blonde wavy hair pulled up in a messy bun with strands sticking in all directions as she aggressively stirred the pot. "What are you doing?"

Anya grunted before finally stopping and wiping her forehead with her forearm. "Cooking. I saw this recipe on Pinterest and I was trying it out."

"And?"

"It's shit."

"Since when do you have Pinterest?" Lexa laughed.

Anya shrugged. "For a few weeks now. I knew you were coming home so I wanted ideas on healthy meals and stuff like that."

Lexa frowned. "You don't… You shouldn't do things just for me. This is my battle to fight."

Anya growled and for a second Lexa raised her chin and stood up straighter. Anya was taller just by a few centimeters, but it felt so much more right then. "This is not a war, Lexa. Your recovery, or whatever you feel comfortable calling it, isn't something that has to burden you. I'm here. I want to help. So, stop acting like a child and just accept it."

Lexa opened her mouth to argue but Anya's glare quickly made her close it. Anya placed a cutting board on the counter and motioned at the vegetables. Lexa got the memo and walked over to start cutting them up. "I went to visit Tris."

"Oh?"

Lexa swallowed nervously and nodded. "I just… I wanted to talk to her. And also check up, you know."

"What did you talk about it?"

"If I should let the company know where I've been. I don't want them to think that I spent such a long time somewhere on vacation, having fun while they worked their asses off. It just doesn't feel right. Makes me feel dishonest," Lexa admitted and then took in a shuddering breath. "When I took this over I made a promise to always be honest with people who work for us. Who make this possible."

"Okay," Anya said softly.

Lexa stopped cutting for a second to look at Anya. "Okay?"

"Okay," Anya repeated. "Whatever you want to do, I'll be standing by your side. It's that easy. You want to tell the world? We'll make sure you're heard. You want to keep it a secret? We'll do that too."

"I definitely want to talk about it," Lexa said and then nodded to herself. "I already have an idea how to, too."

With owning a company Lexa had learned one thing and that was to never do things small. You want to draw attention, have a fundraiser, talk about something? Galas are the way to do it. And planning them was obnoxiously exhausting. From sending out invitations, to decorating, deciding what kind of food was going to be served and which drinks went with it. Maybe Lexa should have given herself more time than just until Saturday, but she was eager to get this over with.

She also wanted Clarke there.

Clarke's number was on her nightstand, still written on the paper. Lexa hadn't yet written it in her phone, fearing she would actually use it. But as she was chewing her lip on a Thursday night, she realized it was now or never. Clarke already had a limited amount of time, so Lexa wasn't sure if she was going to show up at all.

It was worth a try.

**Unknown Number  
Hi, this is Lexa. From treatment center? We have a gala for the company this Saturday at 6pm and I would really like it if you were there. I understand if you're busy, though. Thank you. – LW**

Lexa cringed as soon as she hit sent and wished she could go back. It sounded so silly.

**Clarke  
I remember you ;) And you might be in luck because I'm free for once. Can I bring a +1?**

Lexa's heart stuttered, and she wanted to pretend she didn't know why, but she did. She pouted a little, but decided to reply. Except another text message came through quicker.

**Clarke  
And by +1 I totally mean Raven because she's dying to go somewhere with free food and drinks included.**

Right. Raven. Lexa smiled.

**Lexa  
Of course. Though, if necessary invitation can be extended to everyone in the treatment center.**

**Clarke  
Shh, let the Blake siblings work nights for once. Thanks for inviting me.**

**Lexa  
You are welcome. Do you have an email I can send the invitation to? It has official time, address, dress code, etc. No rsvp necessary. **

Clarke replied with her e-mail and Lexa just sent her the copy of an invitation. Clarke didn't reply to and Lexa wasn't sure if she was relieved or not.

By the time Friday rolled around Lexa had perfected her routine. She was still looking for a balance between work and home and how to fit food in her busy schedule, but she was less anxious and more at ease. The people at work definitely noticed, the interns looking less terrified to spend time with and around her.

Anya finally felt comfortable leaving Lexa alone for shorter periods of time and didn't spend every waking moment smothering her with questions about her wellbeing and meal plans.

"You seem nervous," Anya mentioned as she entered Lexa's office.

Lexa didn't look up from the papers she was reading. "Why would you assume that?"

"Because you've been fidgety all day."

Lexa looked at her hand that was near her mouth and grimaced at her chewed-on fingernails. "I just want to make sure tomorrow goes smoothly. I have to be in the office in the morning and then make sure the room is ready and that everything is going smoothly and then go back home and change. I have no idea what to wear. I'm also still looking at houses on sale."

"Wow, wow, one step at the time," Anya muttered with wide eyes. "That was a lot, even for me. Just focus on what you have to do right now. I have to be at work tomorrow, too. And I can oversee the preparations, so you can go get ready in peace. You have plenty of clothes. And about the house, don't rush it. You will know when you see a good one."

Lexa sighed. "You're right. I just… I need tomorrow to be perfect."

"Why?"

"Because."

Anya hummed. "Okay. Don't think about that now though, you have a meeting in five."

The meeting rang long, and everything was a mess. At least it felt like that in Lexa's head. She got home at seven pm, far too exhausted to cook something and Anya didn't come with her. She forced herself to eat a yogurt with some cut up fruits. It wasn't enough, she knew, but she decided she was going to have a larger breakfast the next morning as she didn't have to be in the office as early.

The nerves were slowly building as the time got closer and closer to six pm. Lexa grew restless and found herself pacing around the office more often than not.

"You're useless," Anya complained. She had moved from her own office to Lexa's couch, but the pacing was distracting. "Just go home."

"No, there's still things to do," Lexa argued.

"Not really. Even Indra has left for the day. It's just you and me and that one guy in the copy room. I think we can handle it."

Lexa smirked. "You're putting way too much faith on the copy guy."

Anya snorted. "If you don't leave in the next five minutes I'll promote him to your personal assistant."

"God, you're annoying."

"You love me."

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Unfortunately." She bit her lip and eyed her briefcase. "Are you sure you're okay to stay alone?"

Anya nodded. "Go."

With some hesitation Lexa finally grabbed her things. She hovered at the doorway, glancing at Anya who eagerly nodded at her. And so, Lexa left. She was nervous about the fundraiser. And she was nervous about her speech. She had been writing it since she came back from visiting Tris and it still didn't feel perfect.

"You're okay," Lexa whispered to herself.

Her apartment was dark and gloomy, despite the autumn sun outside and it made Lexa wrinkle her nose in distaste. She picked up her laptop and instead of getting ready started searching for a new home. She knew what she wanted. A garden. Some greenery. A porch, maybe. Backyard. She didn't realize how long she had been scrolling through the web until her phone vibrated.

**Anya  
Are u getting ready yet?**

"Shit." Lexa slammed the laptop closed and jumped from the couch.

**Lexa  
Yup.**

**Anya  
I know when you're lying to me. Eat some food and get ready!**

Lexa rushed to the fridge and then made a face as she looked inside. She should have gone grocery shopping. But there was some leftover pasta, so she popped it in the microwave and waited. She scarfed down the pasta at a pace too fast and she knew she was going to regret it later, but she was in a hurry.

Her speech was scribbled on a piece of paper in her bedroom. Her walk-in closet doors were opened. Lexa hadn't went shopping for apparel since a long time before she went in the treatment center. Her style hadn't changed, but her size did. Lexa was deciding between a sleek suit and a dress. Suits usually presented her more powerfully and she wore them when she had to make a point in front of mostly manly crowd. Dress meant she had to present herself a little softer, more exposed. And exposing herself was the whole point of tonight. With a shaky hand Lexa reached for the dress.

In all honesty, it was a gorgeous dress. It was long enough, and the cleavage was high enough for it to be appropriate and the color matched her eyes. She smoothed the fabric over her stomach and looked in the mirror. It looked flat, but Lexa knew there was a small belly pudge that wasn't there before. Lexa sighed to herself and flinched when she heard the front door open.

"Are you ready yet?" Anya yelled out.

Lexa closed her closet and walked in the living room. "Yes, yes." She didn't understand why Anya was looking at her oddly.

"Wait, is that an ass I see?"

Lexa's eyes widened, and she whipped her head around. "Anya!" she scolded but was unable to keep a straight face and she laughed.

Anya laughed too. It had been so long since she heard Lexa laugh. "Well, it's a great ass. You should keep it."

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Let's go."

When they arrived at the company, the ground floor was decorated, fancy tables in the corner with expensive appetizers and two waiters holding plates with champagne. Lexa took a deep breath, and everything started picking up after that. People were rushing in and Lexa mingled for a few minutes, shaking hands and making conversations with rich and influential people. It eventually got too overwhelming, so she moved away from the crowd. She had been going over her speech in her head. She waited until the room filled up and the door were closed. Lexa searched around the room to see if she could spot Clarke, or Raven, but she came up short and then Anya was signaling her it was time.

Lexa approached the pedestal and the crowd went silent. She wasn't very tall, but there was this aura around her that made her seem almost invincible and the public soaked it up. "Welcome," she greeted with a smile. "As you may already know, I'm Lexa Woods and I'm a CEO of the wonderful company we're currently in. There's so many reasons as to why I have decided to host a gala, seemingly out of nowhere, and I have decided to be completely honest about my journey. You have probably heard by now that I've been on a long vacation, which is a lie. I was in treatment center, battling an eating disorder."

The crowd burst into curious murmurs and Lexa let them for a few seconds.

"I have gone over this speech a million times, trying to figure out what to say and how to say it, but the truth is there is no pretty version of it. I have an eating disorder and I needed help. Those who have been by my side since the beginning, know that I've inherited this company from my parents and I could easily blame it on the stress. But, it wouldn't be fair. Not to you, not to the company, not to myself. I love my job. I just didn't love myself. I don't want to make this speech too long, or get too emotional. I'm here tonight, because I'm grateful. I'm grateful for my cousin, Anya, who was the one who pushed me to get help. I'm grateful for the wonderful employees at The Ark treatment center. I'm grateful for you, because even though you didn't know the truth, you stayed and worked as hard as ever. And I'm grateful, because I am privileged enough to have access to all those things. So, tonight we're raising money for people battling eating disorders and mental illnesses who can't afford or don't have access to health care. I am also hiring a mental health professional who will be working in this company, starting next month. If you ever have any problems, whether it's about stress or something happening outside of work you'll have someone to turn to. I won't have access to any of the information, so you can complain about me all you like."

The crowd laughed, and Lexa laughed with them because she knew they loved her and would never complain about her.

"I'd say I've been going on for long enough. Let the feast begin."

They cheered, and Lexa's stomach fluttered with excitement. She was so nervous, but it turned out she didn't have to be.

She walked down the stage with a smile on her face and her smile only widened when she caught sight of Clarke in a glorious red dress.

"Quite a speech, commander."

Lexa's stomach fluttered again, but this time it was different, and Lexa hated that she didn't know what emotion to place with the feeling. "Where did you hear that?"

"Oh, just through the crowd. You're mighty popular."

Lexa laughed. "Thank you for coming."

Clarke smiled. "I wouldn't miss it. You look beautiful, by the way."

Lexa ducked her head, feeling her cheeks flush. She was used to receiving compliments, but she wasn't used to reacting to them. She gathered enough courage to meet Clarke's eyes and she couldn't believe how crystal blue they were. "You look lovely."

Clarke opened her mouth to say something, but Raven swooped in and excitedly dragged her away by her arm.

Lexa beamed at her and raised her glass of champagne. Clarke repeated the motion before she turned around and disappeared into the crowd.

"Oh, I see," Anya murmured, nodding in realization.

"What?" Lexa turned to her confused.

"I know who you like," she sang teasingly.

Lexa groaned. "You're infuriating."

They didn't see each other again the rest of the night and Lexa tried being upset about it, but she wasn't. Because Clarke came anyway. Because she didn't feel like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders anymore. Her phone softly vibrated against her duvet just as Lexa was getting ready for bed.

**Clarke  
Recovery looks beautiful on you. As did the green dress. Sorry Raven dragged me away and we couldn't talk more. **

Lexa smiled sleepily and slid across the screen to reply.

**Lexa  
Thank you for coming. Hopefully the nerves weren't showing too much. Looking forward to seeing you again, whenever that will be.**

**Clarke  
You didn't look nervous at all. Just badass and beautiful. Goodnight, Lexa.**

**Lexa  
Night, Clarke.**


	15. Chapter 15

Most good things come to an end. Lexa knew that. But she wasn't quite prepared for the drop in her mood after a couple of weeks have passed. She had been doing great. She was learning how to cook new things, work was as busy as always and her house hunt had been going smoothly. She already found a few places and done a couple of house viewings.

But then it just wasn't working anymore. Lexa woke up late and with a headache. She forced herself to eat some cereal for breakfast and then rushed to work. Anya has unofficially moved out and Lexa wasn't sure if she was giving her space or if Anya just wanted to have a place on her own. She came to work in a sour mood, almost botched her budget meeting and skipped lunch, despite Anya's text messages.

Lexa had a meeting across the company in an overly expensive café shop and her temples throbbed with pressure the entire time. She had a hard time keeping up and had to keep shutting her eyes to block out some of the pain. Her discomfort luckily wasn't noticed, and the man happily rambled on.

It felt like a major step back and everything felt overwhelming and too much. Anya dropping off another paper, computer announcing another e-mail, another calendar reminder for some random meeting.

The little voice in Lexa's head that was constantly reminding her of food.

It was starting to sound like a chant and Lexa finally had an outburst when Anya opened the door to her office, letting the outside hustle inside of the soundproof office.

"Hey, wanna grab some food?"

It was an innocent question. There was nothing to get mad over.

But the vein on Lexa's neck throbbed and her forehead creased in displeasure. "Can't you just fucking leave me alone for a few moments?" she growled. Anya flinched a little at the harsh tone but remained still. "I'm not hungry okay? I'll eat when I want."

"You didn't have lun-"

"Leave!"

"What's gotten into you?" Anya asked, her voice still as calm as ever.

Lexa's nostrils flared and that's when Anya knew she pushed too far. "What's gotten into me? I can't get any work done with constant interruptions. Look, you don't have to bring in paper by paper, you don't have to pester me with food and for fuck's sake please close the door."

"I'm giving you tomorrow off," Anya stated and turned around.

"Do I need to remind you who's in charge here?"

"You're acting like a goddamn child, Lexa. I don't know what's bothering you and quite frankly, I don't care you because you're old enough to solve your own problems. But you don't get to treat people around you like this. If you have a bad day deal with it like everyone else. Go for a run. Take a yoga class. Spend the day in bed. Listen to some music, watch a movie, whatever you want. But I won't tolerate this shit in here."

Lexa clenched her jaw and she could feel it moving from side to side. She jumped when the door slammed closed and slammed her head against the desk. She wanted to kick something. Break something. But instead she groaned loudly and then leaned back in the chair. She knew she was being a jerk. She knew. But everything felt like too much and there weren't enough words to describe what she was feeling.

Anya didn't come by that evening and didn't remind Lexa to eat.

Lexa's hand hovered over the phone, but she chickened out. Dinner was skipped, and she went in the gym instead. She spent some time on the treadmill, running until her heart was racing almost painfully. She took a shower afterwards, scrubbing her skin until it was raw and burning. Lexa ignored her reflection in the large mirror and slipped in the bed.

Rest didn't come easy and at two in the morning Lexa resorted to a sleeping pill. Her headache was still persistent, and she gulped down a large glass of water before going back to bed. When she was waking up it was way past her work time and her phone was blaring with the alarm, but Lexa just turned it off. Anya gave her the day off anyway. Not sure if that was how it worked, but at that moment Lexa was just happy to stay in bed.

She laid in there, still and exhausted, thinking about her life. Tears started somewhere between the memories of her parents' death and Costia throwing a glass at her. Lexa cried herself to sleep and woke up a few hours later.

It was midday and a cramp in her gut reminded her she hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. Lexa rolled out of the bed and took a quick glance in the mirror. Her hair was tangled and messy and her eyes were bloodshot and swollen. At least the circles under her eyes weren't as hallow. She shuffled in the living room and took a glance in the kitchen.

Lexa knew she should make something to eat. Didn't have to be a lot or complicated. Just something. But her throat closed up uncomfortably at the thought. She grabbed a blanket and curled up on the couch. Anya was still signed into the Netflix account and she took advantage of it.

The show she clicked on was blurry in her mind, only serving as a background noise and as a picture to focus on. Her thoughts were louder though.

Lexa picked up her phone. No messages. No calls. A bunch of work e-mails.

**Lexa  
I'm sorry.**

Texting was impersonal and cowardly, but it was hell of a lot better than facing Anya.

**Anya  
I need a reply to emails 1, 3, 4 and 7 asap**

Lexa sighed.

**Lexa  
Okay.**

She briefly scanned through the e-mails before deciding to use her laptop instead to reply. Business contracts, monthly budget overview, and then an offer for an interview. Lexa had received a lot of those since admitting she has an eating disorder. Media was eager to learn more, but Lexa already shared what she was comfortable with. She moved the e-mail to trash and closed her laptop.

She glanced at the kitchen.

There was a recipe book sitting in the large bookshelf, filled with other business notebooks, historic books, fiction and nature documentation. Lexa grabbed it. She searched for the easiest recipe and when she got to the kitchen she remembered the fridge was empty.

"Well, fuck." Lexa couldn't text Anya. She knew Anya would go to the store for her and forgive her for throwing a fit. But Lexa needed to do this on her own. Needed to get her shit together. She made a list of ingredients she needed and then added a few healthy snacks, Anya's favorite chips and ice cream.

Lexa was unrecognizable in her sweatpants and oversized hoodie, especially since she kept the hood over her head and she was grateful. She hadn't grocery shopped in months. Maybe even a year. It was something Anya did, or they had it delivered. She didn't realize how exhausting it was deciding over different options and brands. Although she had the money, Lexa didn't want to just buy the most expensive thing if it did the exact same thing. The list was short, but her shopping cart was full. Apparently, she also couldn't stick to the simple list.

The drive back home took forever as the traffic moved painfully slowly due to an accident on the road. Lexa shouldn't have looked as she drove past it, but her eyes glanced over anyway just as they were covering the body with the bag. Her breath caught in her throat and she could feel the panic attack building. Her hands trembled against the steering wheel, so she just held onto it tighter. She didn't reach the apartment building, instead she had to pull over at a bus station. Her hands fumbled with the phone as she pressed on her cousin's name.

"Yes?"

"I-" Lexa started but her voice was shaky and her breathing ragged.

"Lex? Where are you? Are you okay?"

"There… There was an accident," Lexa stuttered out. "I… The body… Mom." Lexa was all over the place.

"Accident? Body? Mom? Lexa what are you doing? I'm coming home, okay?" Anya asked, but it wasn't really a question.

Lexa aggressively shook her head. "No, no. Don't. Accident. Wait."

"Where are you?"

"At a bus stop."

"What are you doing?"

Lexa took a deep breath, the tightening in her chest somewhat subsiding but it felt restricting. "I went grocery shopping," she admitted, her voice small.

Anya sighed in relief. "Okay. Okay. Were you in an accident?"

"No. Someone else. I saw the body."

"Jesus."

"I'm so sorry about yesterday. I had a bad day, but I shouldn't have treated you like that."

"No, you shouldn't," Anya agreed.

Lexa hung her head in shame. "I don't think I'm doing a very good job. Everything feels like too much and too fast and I can't seem to slow it down to match it to the pace I want. I can't keep up with everything."

Anya was quiet for a while and Lexa checked her phone to see if the call was still connected. "I don't want you to feel like that, kid. Maybe we should find you a therapist. Just someone you can talk to once a week, or whenever you need to."

Lexa had thought about it before, but it felt like she was replacing Clarke. And she thought no one could be as good as her. "Maybe."

"Have you eaten?"

"Not since yesterday."

The words rang in Lexa's ear and she hated herself for it. It was so easy to go back into her old habits, when eating was something she was occasionally forced to do. "But, I'm on my way home. I'll cook something."

Anya didn't sound entirely convinced. "Okay. Call me again if you need anything."

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too."

There was one thing Lexa was surprised to learn about herself. She was quite a decent cook. Despite her lack of experiences and her mostly awful relationship with food it never came out horrible. She knew just how much spices to use, how long to boil, when to stir. Maybe it was all the years she had spent watching her mom cook as a little child and counted the sprinkles of salt and coloring of the spices. It just made sense in her head. She hated tasting the food though. Her stomach wasn't growling, but it was unhappy with her lack of eating from the past day, so she was unmotivated to actually eat.

"One taste. Just a spoonful," Lexa murmured to herself. She held her breath and swallowed it down, not really tasting anything. "One more," she encouraged herself. She must have sounded crazy, but it worked. She finished the small bowl and her stomach was a little puckered from the amount of food and she felt warm all over.

Lexa fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up until she was being covered by a blanket. Her eyes snapped open and she sat up so quickly she got dizzy.

"It's just me," Anya said softly. "You looked cold."

"Oh. Thank you. I made food if you want. I already ate."

Anya hummed. "Want to eat with me?"

No. "Yes."

Anya looked surprised. She walked over to Lexa and kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry for ignoring you kid."

"I deserved it. I think I needed it. I had to work things out in my head first."

"Are you feeling better?"

Lexa shrugged and walked over to the bar. "Not yet."

"Do you want another day off?"

"No. I can't. I can't just skip work. There's also that meeting tomorrow across town that we worked on that I must go to. I'll come by in the morning to print the papers you sent, give out new assignments and then go to the meeting," Lexa said in a rush.

Anya silently agreed. It wouldn't do well for them if they rescheduled it at the last minute.

"Hey, isn't that near the treatment?" Anya asked as she passed Lexa the bowl.

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows. "I don't know. Why?"

"Maybe you could meet with Clarke."

"Anya," Lexa scolded.

Anya rolled her eyes. "You like her. You do. And even if you didn't you could still be friends. She's obviously great and every time we talk about treatment she's all you talk about. It's okay to expand your circle of friends or get in a relationship."

Lexa accepted a plate with a sigh. "You don't understand. She's seen me at my lowest. I'm embarrassed. And I don't want her to think that broken Lexa is who I really am."

"You're just Lexa. Sad Lexa is still Lexa, treatment center Lexa is still Lexa, CEO Lexa is still Lexa. You're not changing your personalities, you're just adapting to the situation. Clarke's a doctor I'm sure she knows this."

"Go away," Lexa whined.

Anya laughed. "You're beautiful and funny and smart. Any woman would be lucky to have you. Don't sell yourself short, kid. Besides, if you continue cooking like this you will definitely win someone's heart."

Lexa wrinkled her nose. But, she did miss being with someone. She missed coming home to someone. She missed having someone there for her that wasn't just Anya. She put the idea of dating aside until the next day, though. It felt like an exhausting day even if she hadn't done anything aside from grocery shopping and cooking.

The next morning was easier and Lexa woke up before her alarm went off and decided to spend the time getting some light exercise before eating breakfast. She sorted through the files Anya sent her the day before, making sure they were in correct other and checking for any errors. She was mostly ready though. She grabbed her laptop and stuffed it in the bag.

She briefly saw Anya when she arrived.

"Have you called her yet?"

Lexa's face scrunched up in confusion. "Who?"

"Clarke."

Lexa groaned and just walked past her.

"At least text her!" Anya yelled after her.

Lexa was too busy and not someone who texted girls, no matter how pretty they were. But her phone was glaring at her and she unlocked it, staring at her home screen. It was a plain generic one. She has had this phone since the break-up, her old phone disappearing along with Costia. She started writing a message, but ended up deleting it. And then she tried again. And again. Fourth time was a charm.

**Lexa  
I will be in the treatment center area today for a meeting. Do you have any free time?**

It sounded so silly when Lexa reread it, but it was already sent. She put her phone on silent and focused on work.

It wasn't until she was in the car that she remembered the message. Her eyes widened, and she reached for the touch screen in the car to see if Clarke replied. There was a reply and it felt like her heart simultaneously stopped and sped up.

**Clarke  
After 14.30**

Lexa arrived at her destination and typed out a reply on her phone.

**Lexa  
My meeting ends at 14.45, Grounders**

**Clarke  
There's a cool diner called Dropship right across the street. I'll wait for you there.**

It was nice having something to look forward and it boosted her excitement. She worked harder through the meeting, so she could get to Clarke faster. But, men never really were good at following someone else's plans and they kept asking her unnecessary questions which were already explained in the paperwork. Lexa had no choice but to calmly walk them through it and they were signing the papers right on time. She cringed when the guy downed a shot of something probably alcoholic and his assistant nervously chuckled. But she didn't care. The papers were signed. And Clarke was waiting for her.

Clarke who was sitting at the table, a happy smile on her face as she chatted with the waitress. Clarke who beamed when she saw Lexa. Clarke who stood up to hug her.

Lexa smiled nervously after she pulled away from the hug. Physical contact was still odd to her. She didn't mind Anya's occasional hugs and she definitely wasn't protesting Clarke's embrace, but it still made her skin itch.

Clarke ordered fries and excitedly bounced in her seat when they arrived. "Want some?" Clarke asked after swallowing a whole fry without even chewing.

Lexa blinked in amusement. "Thank you, I just had lunch." It was true, part of why the meeting took so long. She ate her lunch and blocked out the disgusting chewing noises and it worked.

"Okay," Clarke said without arguing and reached for another fry. She asked questions about the company, the fundraiser, meeting, Lexa's life in general.

Lexa started explaining her search for a house when her fingers reached for a fry. She didn't even think about it and the surprise look on Clarke's face was the only thing that gave it away. She sheepishly brushed her fingers in the napkin. When she reached for her second fry Clarke subtly pushed the fries closer to Lexa.

They ended up talking about Clarke too, and her friends.

"No way," Lexa laughed.

"I swear, it's true," Clarke nodded, remembering that time Octavia and Lincoln were both late for their wedding because they had to have sex beforehand. The guests ended up waiting for almost two hours and Clarke had the misfortune on walking in. "We had to literally separate them. And then they sneaked out after the reception, thinking we wouldn't notice. But we let them."

Lexa chuckled.

"Do you ever wish you got married?" Clarke asked randomly. "Not specifically with… her. Just in general."

Lexa played with the napkin in front of her, gently tearing it apart. "Maybe. Sometimes. Especially now that Anya's gone a lot so it's just me and a lot of quietness. Maybe I should just get a pet."

Clarke's phone started vibrating against the table. "Oh, crap. I have to go soon."

Lexa looked at her watch. "I should probably go too."

She walked Clarke to her car and there was a weird knot of anticipation in her stomach that Lexa didn't know what to do with. And when they paused in front of the car she noticed Clarke was nervous too.

"I'll see you soon?" Lexa tried.

Clarke nodded and then smiled that pretty smile of hers and Lexa was fucked. Her eyes darted over Clarke's face, trying to find a reason not to do this. Her fingers trembled against the warm skin of Clarke's jaw and cheekbone and the kiss tasted like salty fries. Clarke's lips were soft and gentle as she kissed her back. Lexa's heart annoyingly hammered, and her lungs contracted way too early in the kiss and she was forced to pull away, breath puffing out against Clarke's lips.

The dazed look on Clarke's face changed into something else, but Lexa had no time to ask because Clarke's phone vibrated again.

"See you soon," Clarke whispered.

Lexa tried to pretend she hadn't felt even more anxious now than she was before when her crush on Clarke was just something she knew about. The not knowing what Clarke wanted to say did not make it easier. This was a stupid idea, but there was also lightness in her chest at the knowledge that Clarke at least kissed her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because bad days happen but sometimes the pretty girl likes you back


	16. Chapter 16

When Lexa received no messages from Clarke for the following week, she knew exactly what it meant. And it stung like hell, especially since Lexa was so worried about opening up in the first place. But she had to keep going. Work was blossoming and there were rumors of expending the company. Lexa chuckled when she walked in on two of the employees in the break room, gushing how they wanted to be transported somewhere with an ocean.

Lexa did have plans for expanding, though. Indra was getting ready to take over the very first expansion that they were building in another state. It meant pulling extra hours and taking work home. Lexa was used to it though, and she didn't mind.

Her fingers were speeding across the keyboard and Lexa used her index finger to push her glasses up her nose. She didn't usually wear glasses, she preferred contact lenses and she did see enough to go without either. But when she spent long hours staring at a computer screen her eyes got irritated and she was forced to wear glasses. She didn't even look up when the door to her office opened and she just assumed it was Anya.

"Hey, can you get me that contract from the building company?"

The person who cleared their throat was definitely not Anya. Lexa's head shot up and she hastily removed her glasses.

"Sorry," Clarke murmured, "Anya said it was okay to just go in."

Lexa swallowed nervously. "Right."

"Can we talk?" Clarke asked. "I can wait. Or come by some other day if you're busy."

"I have time," Lexa stated and stood up. She quickly stacked the papers thrown all over the desk and placed them next to the computer. She motioned for Clarke to take a seat on the other side.

Clarke shook her head. "I won't be long I'm afraid. I kind of just snuck out because I really needed to talk to you."

And Lexa knew what was coming. She sighed and hung her head low, eyes locked on the floor.

"I don't think it's fair to you right know to start something. Anything," Clarke started with and then gently raised Lexa's chin so their eyes could meet. Lexa's breath softly hitched. "I've been here. In your shoes. Just completed treatment and ready to take over the world with someone by your side, but you need to relearn yourself first. You deserve the time to get to know what works for you, find a new home, find the balance between work and personal life. A relationship would slow you down, make it harder and consume some of your time."

Lexa clenched her jaw, feeling it move from side to side but she just nodded.

"This doesn't mean I don't think you're worthy of it, Lexa. You deserve nothing but the best, but these next few steps are crucial in your recovery."

"Okay."

The crease between Clarke's eyebrows only deepened, but she knew Lexa was feeling rejected. "Okay," she repeated quietly. "I'd still love to be your friend. If you want me to."

And stupidly enough Lexa agreed. She really needed more friends.

Clarke leaned forward and gently kissed Lexa's cheek. "You're beautiful. I'm not naïve enough to believe you'd wait for me or that you'd expect me to wait for whenever you're ready to date. Don't feel guilty about wanting companionship, even if it's with someone else. But, do make sure it's the right thing for you. Yeah?"

Lexa's puff of breath and a gentle knock of her forehead into Clarke's to remind her of their proximity was enough of an answer.

Clarke's smile seemed tinged with bitterness and Lexa wondered if she meant what she just said.

There was no time to dwell on it though, time went on and so did work.

Despite knowing it was going to happen, Lexa still felt upset about it. She wasn't sure if she was ready to do the whole relationship thing just yet, but she wasn't opposed to dating. Or trying to date. And she didn't want just anyone. She wanted Clarke. She wondered how her eyes would shine over a candlelit dinner, wondered what Clarke's favorite dress is, which restaurant is Clarke's favorite. She didn't have an answer to any of those questions.

The sour mood did not go unnoticed by Anya. "Hey, you okay? What did Clarke say? I hope you didn't do it in the office."

Lexa's fake laugh came too late and even Anya grimaced at how it sounded.

"That bad, huh?"

Lexa shrugged. "She said she doesn't think I'm ready to be with anyone right now. That I need to take some time for myself first."

"That makes sense," Anya pointed out.

"I guess."

Anya placed a cup of coffee in front of her cousin. "Don't get discouraged, yeah? You're a beautiful woman. Even if you're not ready to date who said you can't have some fun? It's been a long time and I'm starting to feel bad for your lady parts."

Lexa groaned. "Leave my vagina out of this." Anya wasn't wrong though. The last person Lexa slept with was a random one-night stand after Costia. And before that it was Costia and one other girl. Contrary to popular belief Lexa wasn't quite the stud the world imagined her to be.

"Okay. But you can still go out in the bar. Or join a dating site."

Lexa murmured a short "okay" just to stop Anya from pestering her. She didn't want to act on it yet, but Anya did send her a few screenshots of pretty girls on Tinder. Lexa ignored it and pretended it wasn't amusing.

The penthouse didn't feel like home anymore. Anya's room was mostly emptied out, aside from few clothes and bits and pieces Anya had yet to take. She also took the waffle maker with her and Lexa had never used it herself, but she liked the way it used to fit on the counter. Now that space was empty. Half of the coffee capsules next to the coffee machine were gone and a little sculpture of a cat by the fireplace as well. Lexa never liked the cat anyway. She preferred the raccoon, though the sculpture looked lonely on its own.

After finding a good recipe online to try out Lexa started preparing the ingredients. She was counting the peppers when someone knocked on the door. It couldn't have been Anya because she never knocked.

Her breath got caught in her throat and her lungs painfully contracted to get some air. Every screaming match with Costia flashed in front of her eyes as she took in her curly hair and brown eyes.

"Hi."

"What are you doing here?" It came out harsh and Costia visibly flinched. Lexa didn't even feel bad. Not after everything.

Costia looked nervous and Lexa was certain she had never seen her nervous before. "I just came by to give you this."

A thick brown envelope was shoved in Lexa's hands.

"I've been working with a program and one of the steps were to apologize to someone you hurt the most. And that's you. I know it's you. Um, I didn't really know what to say, so I wrote it down. You have every right to still be mad."

It might have been the sincerest thing she had heard from Costia, but Lexa was still cautious as she fiddled with the envelope. "Thanks."

Costia cleared her throat. "You look beautiful. I'm sorry."

Lexa closed the front door without another word. She felt violated. She used to share this space with Costia. Shared her bed. Shared everything with her. But now Costia felt like a stranger with bad memories and the envelope felt heavy until Lexa's fingers shook so hard she couldn't hold it anymore. It fell to the floor with a gentle thud.

Something was in it.

When Lexa tore it open a small ring fell onto her palm. The ring she spent weeks picking out. The ring that was stolen from her. Lexa's eyes darted around the room and then she launched the ring. It hit a wall mirror, glass shattering and falling apart. The sound of sizzling pan and smell of burning oil filled the penthouse. It was too much.

By the time the smoke alarm finally stopped blaring a pair of firefighters stopped by.

Lexa's palms were bleeding from when she tried picking up glass shards with her bare hands and she desperately did her best to hide it.

"Ma'am your fire alarm went off," one said, peaking inside.

Lexa already opened all the windows to let it air out. "I'm aware. There was a… malfunction," she tried, "in the kitchen. It's all fixed now."

They looked sceptic, but they believed her and after writing up a report left her alone.

**Lexa  
can u come over? It's an emergency**

Anya knew it was serious because Lexa rarely abbreviated her words, even in text messages. She didn't expect Lexa to be sitting on the couch, blood pooling in her hands and a weird smell in the apartment.

"Why does it smell like burnt broccoli?" were Anya's first words when she walked in. "Holy fuck, what happened?" was the next thing she blurted out.

Lexa was chewing on her bottom lip, knees bouncing anxiously as she didn't know what to do with herself. "There was an incident."

"You're bleeding. What happened?" Anya asked. She dumped her things by the door and rushed to Lexa's side. "We need to wash this."

Lexa shuffled to the bathroom, trying to ignore the shattered glass still remaining. Anya couldn't. But Lexa seemed too distressed to talk about it right away. The pressure of water, no matter how gentle the stream was, made Lexa cry out in pain.

"Lex, what happened?" Anya asked again as she opened the medical cabinet to find tweezers.

The shaking has calmed down slightly. "Costia."

There was a moment when Anya's eyes flashed with fury and Lexa swallowed down the sudden fear. She knew it wasn't directed at her, but it was still rare to see Anya lose control. "What did you just say?"

"Can you fix this and then we can talk after?" Lexa begged.

Luckily Anya's steady hand was quick at removing glass. But she was not a doctor. "I'd rather take you to the doctor, Lexa. I could easily leave some behind and it could get infected."

"No."

Anya sighed and sprayed some disinfectant over the tiny cuts. She knew they would hurt like hell but aside from little flinches Lexa controlled her body's reaction to pain well. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Lexa took a deep breath. "Costia came. Said she was working with a program and wanted to apologize. She wrote a letter."

"And?"

"The ring."

Anya nodded, silent. She hated the ring. It brought up too many fights between her and Lexa. "How did that happen?"

"I threw the ring in a mirror."

Anya snorted. "Sorry, kid, but that's kinda funny. Please don't tell me you tried picking it up with your bare hands."

Lexa shrugged.

"You're an idiot. Did you read the letter?"

"No."

"Good."

But the thought of just throwing it away seemed wrong. "Could you read it? For me?" Lexa requested softly.

Anya sighed. "Only because I love you."

The letter was less personal than Anya would have thought it was and she could tell it was just upsetting Lexa further. There was no real reasoning, no explanation, just a polite apology and a story about how she tried selling the ring at a pawn shop but didn't have the heart to. Just knowing that she stole it was enough to make Anya angry again. But she swallowed down the anger and read until the end.

"Was that supposed to make me feel better?" Lexa asked, eyes glancing at the stain on the wall.

"Did it?"

Lexa shook her head. "Maybe one day." But until then, she ripped the letter apart and the noise was surprising satisfying. The ring was now glass free and clean on the coffee table. It cost a lot of money and was stronger than an old mirror.

"Why'd you keep it?" Anya asked.

"I don't know. I might not. I have no idea what to do with an engagement ring that I used, got rejected and was then stolen from me."

"Drama queen."

It was true, though. Lexa really went through all the effort to buy the ring just to get laughed at in her face, rejected and left behind. It was for the best. Staring at the cuts on her hands and the reflection of the light in the ring, Lexa knew it was supposed to happen that way. That it was better for it to end like that.

When Lexa came to work the next morning, she was in agony. The cuts burned and pulled at her skin, but she was determined to pull through and not take another day off. She spent the free time she had looking for a new home.

Lexa wasn't one to make rash decisions, she loved making pros and cons lists, weighting out the options and being prepared. But her skin crawled at the idea of Costia appearing at her footstep ever again. It was her first house visit that she booked. And then she booked another one. And another one. Anything to get away. Anything to feel safe in her own space again.

She didn't bother visiting Anya, even if she was in an office across the hall. She pressed the button on the speed dial. "I'm leaving in twenty."

"Are you going to the hospital?"

"No, I'm meeting my real estate agent. I don't have to see a doctor."

Anya made a noise of disagreement. "Okay. How come you're suddenly meeting with the agent?"

"Because I want to."

Lexa hung up afterwards because Anya was silent for too long and the call had gotten uncomfortable. She was out of the company in twenty minutes and the excitement of looking at houses overcame the pain in her palms.

The first house was enormous, and the driveway was pebbled with a patch of grass in the middle and a gorgeous fountain. Lexa was wonderfully impressed. Until she walked inside. The house was Victorian, and the inside was dark and lifeless. The kitchen was black, bedroom was dark red, and the bathroom was outdated. The fire place in the living room was rustic and looked anything but safe. Lexa was disappointed. She could renovate it, but that alone would cost half as much as a modern house. The backyard was an empty pool filled with leaves and surrounded by shrubs that needed trimming.

Lexa decided to check the rest of the rooms before continuing. The dining room was formal. The couch in the living room was stiff. There was a nursery next to the master bedroom and Lexa felt weird just walking inside. She wasn't even dating anyone, let alone thought about having kids. She quickly turned around. There was another children's room and it was probably the brightest room in the house with pastel green walls. It made Lexa's eyes burn as she had just gotten used to the dark scheme. A spare bedroom and another bathroom. When Lexa touched the faucet, the pipes made a screeching sound.

"I think I'm ready to go to the next house," Lexa stated.

Her real estate agent agreed.

The next house already had a modern exterior. There was no fancy gate and driveway with a fountain, but there was a garage. The exterior walls were smooth white, light stone and wooden corners. It looked inviting. There was freshly cut green house in the front with stepping-stone path. Lexa waited for the agent to unlock the front door and immediately smiled.

The walls were white, but what Lexa loved were the large windows. The house was well out of the city and on a private road, so there was definitely a feeling of privacy. Everything in the house was warm and bright. There wasn't much furniture, just enough for Lexa to get the gist of what each room was supposed to represent.

The master bedroom was spacious with a balcony that overlooked the backyard and she could also see the city from there. En-suite bathroom had a large bathtub and a spacious shower. There was a towel next to the sink and when Lexa ran her fingertips along it, it felt soft. There was another bedroom, empty room and bathroom upstairs. The kitchen only had a modern fridge in it and a breakfast bar with one stool. The dining area was between the kitchen and the living room. There was also an office which Lexa was fascinated with. It was the only room fully furnished with a sturdy wooden desk and a comfortable chair. She sat on it and sighed a little.

The backyard was gorgeous. There was definitely space for a pool, if Lexa ever wanted one, and a gazebo that overlooked the city. There was a hiking trail nearby and an abandoned path through the forest. It would need some maintenance, but the location felt freeing.

Lexa could see herself living her. It was still close enough to work and if she would get a bike she could easily ride it to the company. It would probably be quicker than attempting to commute through traffic anyway.

Without a second thought Lexa signed the papers.

"It's going to be available for a move-in in a couple of weeks," her real estate agent told her.

Lexa nodded excitedly.

It wasn't until she got back to her apartment that she realized she needed to sell the penthouse and actually pack her belongings. Not that she owned much.  The couch had been here since she moved in, she didn't buy any extra appliances for the kitchen. The only thing she actually bought were the current groceries in the fridge and her bed. It was a really good bed. On second thought, she did share this bed once and she wanted to start fresh.

She called Anya.

"I'm selling the penthouse."

"Just like that?" Anya asked.

"Yes. I kind of already signed a contract for the new house," Lexa admitted and laughed when Anya muttered a 'of course you did' under her breath. "I just realized, with her stopping by yesterday, that I really need to feel safe in my personal space. And this penthouse always felt like too much."

Anya hummed. "I always thought it was just because she was here and then after you broke up because you didn't want to be here without her. I guess I was wrong. Okay, what kind of house did you get?"

Lexa rambled about the large windows, bright interior and a gazebo that overlooked the city and she realized that for the first time in a very long time she felt happy. Even though Clarke sort of rejected her, even though her palms still burned, Lexa was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last kind of sad chapter, I promise  
> and just for reassurance: no, Lexa won't be dating anyone else


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops forgot to post this yesterday

Selling the penthouse was surprisingly easy. Lexa just finished posting the ad online when she received a call from some young man whose daddy had a lot of money. Lexa didn't care who she was selling it too, or even what was going to happen to the apartment afterwards, so she said yes.

Lexa had two weeks to move. And two weeks to move in. It was the perfect timeline. Especially since she didn't have much belongings to begin with. But, she needed furniture. She needed a new bed. Dresser. A couch would be great. And maybe a second bed so Anya could sleep over, if she wanted to. Lexa also wanted some seating for the outdoor area and kitchen appliances. If she was going to start cooking more often, she needed to be prepared.

"Pottery Barn is great," Anya said, when Lexa was running out of the time and she only had a few days left to make her new house a home.

Lexa hated the name. "It just sounds too hipster."

"Well, excuse me miss rich CEO, but it's actually good," Anya defended her favorite store. Lexa pretended like Anya didn't have a hoarding problem.

Lexa had a poor taste in design or what went well together. She quickly checked Pottery Barn's website and then decided to drive to the nearest store. Lexa had no idea what she was looking for, but she thought maybe seeing it in person would give her some inspiration.

There were a few display beds and Lexa briefly tested them by sitting on them. However, none of them felt right.

Anya was a terrible influence. What Lexa ended up buying were pillow cases and bath accessories. It was an hour later, and she still didn't have a bed or a couch. With two more towels in the shopping cart, though they were soft, Lexa was ready to admit her defeat and just buy what she had and leave. But then she saw the bed.

Lexa must have looked ridiculous, almost running to it. She sat down on it and sighed.

"Ma'am, can I help you?"

Funny, how she had spent over an hour in the store already and this was the first time she was approached. "Hi, I want to buy this bed."

"You're in luck, we only have one left."

He seemed overly cheerful, but Lexa was raised to be polite. She paid with her credit card and gave him the new address. They promised to deliver in one to two days. Finally feeling motivated Lexa did another tour around the store to find a couch or at least a recliner. It just so happened that she also threw sea sponges and three Malta lanterns for the outdoor area in the shopping cart. Lexa quickly tested out one of the recliners. It really was comfortable.

Lexa gasped in surprise when she saw a matching sofa. It was L-shaped, the way she wanted it. And the colors were neutrally light, so if she decided to ever repaint the interior walls they would still match.

"That's a good choice."

The familiar voice made Lexa spring up from the couch in shock. "Clarke. Hi."

Clarke smiled, a little awkwardly or nervously, but it was there. Warm and bright. Like herself. "Shopping for furniture?"

Lexa nodded. "I, uh, finally found a new house. It has no furniture though and Anya said this is a great place. What are you doing here?"

Clarke sheepishly waved her shopping basket. "Just bits and pieces. Mostly for myself. Some for The Ark."

Lexa swallowed nervously. "Hey, I'm having a sort of house reveal party, or rather gathering, on Sunday. If you want to come? It's just going to be few people so I'm extending invitations to everyone at the center. Could also use some home accessories."

Clarke laughed at that. "I'll see what I can do. Hey, want to grab a cup of coffee?"

"Um, let me add the recliner and the couch to my collection of furniture I bought so far," Lexa said hastily. She waved at the guy who has been subtly following her around and he happily took her credit card.

Clarke didn't complain when Lexa asked if they could go to her car first so that she could unload the shopping cart. She did raise her eyebrows in amusement when Lexa was throwing what she bought in the trunk.

"This is Anya's fault," Lexa defended herself.

Clarke scratched her chin. "Oh, I see. So, Anya came here and put all those items in your shopping cart and left."

Lexa huffed. "Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke."

Clarke laughed and then quickly dodged when Lexa reached out to pinch her shoulder. Unfortunately, Clarke was clumsy and almost fell backwards if it wasn't for Lexa's quick reflexes, grabbing her waist to keep her standing upright. It also meant they were suddenly a lot closer.

Clarke had a tight grip on Lexa's elbows, but Lexa's hold on Clarke's waist was slowly easing. She didn't want to make this awkward. Not after everything.

"Thank you," Clarke murmured and pulled away, picking up on Lexa's discomfort.

Starbucks was surprisingly full and there was only a corner table free, which would have been fine, but they had to sit close to each other's and their knees brushed every time Lexa's leg bounced anxiously.

"So, how have you been?"

Lexa bit her lip. "Uh, things have been a little crazy to be honest."

Clarke nodded, wanting to know more. "Want to tell me about it?" Lexa looked apprehensive and Clarke felt guilty. "After what I said that day, I really did hope we could be friends. My intention wasn't to ignore you, I was giving you space."

"Oh."

"I wasn't sure if you needed space, but I figured I'd let you take the lead."

It made sense. And Lexa felt silly for anguishing over the kiss and Clarke's words. She knew it was true. She wasn't ready to date. Not then. Maybe not even in that moment when she was sitting right next to Clarke. But life felt easier now than it did then. "I was just kind of taking a moment for myself, I guess," Lexa admitted. "Especially with the new house."

Clarke smiled. "What's the house like?"

"Modern and spacious. It's got a good amount of green around and a hiking trail and a path through the woods. I think once I furnish it properly, it's definitely going to feel like home."

"Sounds perfect," Clarke agreed. "How come you decided to move so fast?"

Lexa's leg stopped bouncing and she froze for a second. She wasn't sure if she wanted Clarke to know the truth, but she knew it wouldn't be right to lie. Pink healing skin was still noticeable on her palms. "Costia came by give me a letter she wrote, something about working with a program and apologizing to the person you've hurt the most. The letter was… pardon my French, bullshit."

Clarke laughed at that and even Lexa smiled. Seeing Costia again made it easy to move past all the horrible things they've done and said to each other.

"But she also returned the ring. Ignoring the incident afterwards, I just realized how invasive it felt having her knock on my door. She used to live there, sleep in my bed, I shared my space with her. But it felt wrong. So, I sped up the process and just bought the first house I really liked," Lexa admitted.

"Do you still love her?"

Associating love with Costia felt wrong and Lexa flinched almost violently. "I loved her the unhealthy way. I depended on her, clung to her, tolerated everything she did because I didn't want to be alone. I don't think it was ever real love."

"Sorry, for prying," Clarke apologized, feeling silly for asking.

Lexa shook her head "It's okay. I think maybe sometimes it's good to talk about it. I don't dread it anymore. I don't like mentioning her to Anya though, because she gets angry. But, what about you? The treatment center?"

Clarke smiled. "It's doing great. I finally hired and extra doctor because Raven kept pestering me to and Maya was promoted too. I actually have free time now, which feels weird. I actually get to spend two weeks per month in my own bed, so that's new."

Lexa laughed at that. "I can't imagine not coming home. Well, my current home doesn't have a bed in it yet. But, I would probably go stir crazy if I spent every waking moment in the company. I love it, I really do, but leaving at the end of the day is the only line between home and work I know. And even that gets blurry sometimes when I'm answering work e-mails at five in the morning or going over papers while eating dinner."

 "Hey, speaking of food, want a donut?" Clarke asked, stretching in her seat to see if she could look at the display. "I'm craving some sugar and don't tell Raven I said this, but the healthy desserts we get at the treatment don't always satisfy my sweet tooth."

"Thank you," Lexa politely declined. "But, you can get one if you want."

Clarke grinned cheekily at her and Lexa released a shaky breath as she watched Clarke walk away. She swore there was an extra sway in her hips. Realizing her mouth was open Lexa quickly pursed her lips together and downed most of her drink. She pretended not to hear Clarke's breathy moan when she bit in the donut or the way her tongue traced her lips for any residual icing.

"See you on Sunday?" Lexa asked again, wanting more confirmation.

"Yes. If anything comes up I'll let you know," Clarke promised.

The bright smile on Clarke's lips made Lexa feel at ease and if she thought she made things uncomfortable between her and Clarke it definitely didn't seem to be. Not anymore. Even if Clarke would never be anything more than a friend Lexa was still grateful.

Lexa did another stop at Ikea where she purchased a lamp for the office and another stop to purchase a closet. She had a walk-in closet in the penthouse, but it felt too big and most things just ended up on the floor. She bought the penthouse fully furnished, but she wanted this home to feel more personal.

Sunday came too quick and Lexa just barely managed to furnish the house. She had spent her first night in her new bed and there was more tossing and turning than sleeping. But the birds chirped in the morning and she couldn't hear the obnoxious traffic. The couch and recliner have arrived as well and most of the house was minimally furnished. Dining room was the only empty room. Lexa didn't mind though, because she did have a breakfast bar set up and there was a patio table outside. Anya helped her put together a few items and then ended up storming out of the house because the instructions were too frustrating, and Lexa had a good laugh at her actions.

But now, everything was set up. Lexa was cooking. She purchased a fancy grill just for this occasion. She was pretty sure she was never going to use it again, but it seemed like money well spent. There were drinks ready. She had everything, even wine. The house was clean, and it smelled fresh.

"Are you nervous?" Anya asked while stabbing a plastic container for the meat.

Lexa rolled her eyes at the loud noise when it popped. "No. I feel excited, to be honest. Should I be nervous?"

"Definitely not." Anya placed down the knife and turned towards Lexa. "You've been really happy lately and it makes me happy. Even when Clarke told you to wait before dating, even when Costia showed up."

Lexa blushed. She still felt awkward talking about her feelings. "I've been feeling really good. And just moving out and creating my own home felt like a fresh start."

"Plus, you're super gay for Clarke," Anya added nonchalantly.

"I'm gay anyway."

Anya shrugged. "But you have a giant crush on Clarke."

Lexa groaned. "I regret telling you that. What if I said that I'm over the crush?"

"I wouldn't believe you."

And with that Anya walked away and Lexa couldn't go after her because she had food to season and prepare. She didn't want to cook in advance, so she figured she could do it when first guests would start appearing.

It wasn't until the first few people arrived that Lexa had started to get nervous. It was people from work, people that knew her in a professional environment, but never like this. Never hovering over a grill with a spatula and a silly apron.

Half an hour passed, most food was set on the table and Clarke still wasn't there.

Lexa poured herself a glass of orange juice and pouted about it for a few minutes. She really wanted her here. Not just because she liked her, but because she felt like out of everyone in her life Clarke would appreciate this the most. She had seen her break down the very first day she arrived in treatment center and now Lexa was cooking on a grill and socializing with people from work. It was a major step forward.

Another car came to stop, and Lexa was too focused on flipping the last burgers to turn around and see who arrived. She wiped her hands in her apron when she heard not only one, but three familiar voices.

"Kids, behave," Clarke scolded, though her voice sounded playful.

Tris laughed, and Aden snorted.

Lexa finally turned around, eyes wide in wonder. "Aden? Tris?"

"Surprise!" they yelled out simultaneously.

Behind them were Raven, Octavia and Lincoln as well.

"You came," Lexa murmured.

Clarke grinned. "There was some delay because someone," she gave Raven a pointed look, "couldn't decide on what to buy. And I also had to get permission to bring these two to visit you."

It felt like she was back in treatment, except she wasn't. This was her home and she was building her relationship with food and Aden and Tris were marveling at the size of her house. Raven stayed behind, already looking through food, and Octavia and Lincoln were in the kitchen arguing about how they wanted to upgrade theirs. Lexa took Clarke, Tris and Aden on a house tour.

"Look at the size of that bathtub!" Tris cried, waving with her arms.

Lexa laughed.

"No, look at that shower!" Aden said, pointing at the electronics inside. "Can you listen to music in here?"

"I sure can."

"Holy," Aden started and changed his mind about cursing, "moly," he finished.

Clarke snickered. "They were really excited. We also brought you house warming gifts. I decided against towels, seeing as you've bought enough."

Lexa chuckled. "I told you that was Anya's fault."

Clarke just beamed at her and walked away, leaving Lexa alone with the teenagers. Lexa wasn't sure whether she felt like a mom or an older sister, guiding Tris and Aden through her house and showing them around. Lexa had set up her office into a small library and Tris was in awe. She stayed in the office and Lexa let her, a warm feeling washing over her when she noticed Tris grab the first book possible. Aden was much more interested in the grill outside. Lexa handed him the apron and made sure he wasn't burning the hot dogs.

"So, are you ready for your present?" Clarke yelled out.

Lexa turned around, eyes immediately widening. Clarke was holding a frame of sort that was almost the size of her body. She rushed over to help her.

"Nu-uh commander," Raven said sternly, waving a gift bag.

Lexa raised her eyebrows. "It's not my birthday."

"It's the only one they had that didn't say 'it's a boy'," Raven shrugged.

Clarke sighed hopelessly. She ushered Lexa inside and gently placed the wrapped rectangle on the floor. She also snatched the gift bag out of Raven's arms. "Because I know how much you love tea."

It wasn't just tea, there were also bath oils and scented candles and a small face towel. Lexa laughed at that. "You said you weren't going to give me towels." Clarke didn't say anything, instead she was nervously fiddling with the large gift. Lexa knew she wanted her to open it.

Lexa didn't expect a large canvas, filled with colors. Herself painted on it. A thin white signature in the corner. "You did this?"

Clarke nodded.

"It's… Wow. It's beautiful." It was Lexa, standing on the top of the mountain they hiked on, hair flowing in the wind and the city below her. "You made me look so beautiful."

"What? Lexa, I didn't make you look beautiful. You already are. This is you. You look like that." Clarke frowned when Lexa seemed hesitant. She gently pushed her towards the bathroom until they were standing in front of the mirror. "See," Clarke stated, raising the canvas so that Lexa could see herself and the painting in the mirror.

Lexa couldn't see the front of her face, but her hair looked the same, her body looked the same. There was an easiness in the painting that Lexa found herself gravitating towards.

"This painting is really heavy, by the way."

Lexa flushed and took the canvas in her arms. Easing herself back into weights lifting proved to be doing wonders as her arms flexed, but she didn't struggle. "Would you mind if I hung this up?"

"I'd be honored."

Afterwards, the food was finally handed out to everyone and not just Raven who placed her chair next to the grill and ate as fast as Aden flipped the food. Lexa wasn't sure how long these things usually lasted but she noticed the conversation died after people were full and they were starting to get low on drinks.

People from the company were the first ones to go. Octavia and Lincoln left soon afterwards. Raven offered to drive Tris and Aden back.

"You're leaving too?" Lexa glared at Anya, feeling like she was plotting on leaving her and Clarke alone.

"Well, I have a date." Lexa gave her a look. "What? It was planned before you decided to do this house party. It was good though. And you grill a mean burger."

Lexa rolled her eyes and watched her driveway empty. It was weird knowing she was alone with Clarke. She felt giddy. But nervous. Clarke didn't seem to have any hesitance as she started picking up cups. "You don't have to do this. You're a guest."

"I don't mind," Clarke brushed it off. "I know how annoying it can be when you have people over and then you're the only one cleaning up."

"It's fine," Lexa insisted. "I don't have anything else planned for the day anyway. I was kind of looking forward to cleaning."

Clarke raised her eyebrows.

Lexa laughed. "Come on, I want to show you something." She reached for Clarke's hand, almost hesitantly and pretended like she didn't feel her face flush when their fingers intertwined. She led Clarke to the gazebo. It was her favorite place.

"Wow."

"I know," Lexa beamed. She was still aware of their hands, but Clarke wasn't pulling away and she decided to relax. "It's like a whole new world here."

The rain came out of nowhere. But Lexa couldn't be mad because Clarke was laughing as she ran out in the open and they rushed to clean out the outside table and bring the trash inside before the wind could blow everything away. It also meant they were both soaking wet, dripping hair leaving wet drops on the floor.

"Here," Lexa said, passing Clarke a towel. "Do you want dry clothes to change in?"

"No, it's fine. I'll just uber back."

Lexa frowned. "I can drive you."

"I don't want to drip all over your car," Clarke denied the offer.

"You can take a hot shower and change into dry clothes and when I drive you back, you won't drip all over my car," Lexa stated, leaving no room for arguments. She went to her room and picked out the softest clothes she owned for Clarke. Lexa decided to hop in the shower too, already shivering from the cold rain. She changed into dark sweatpants and a white v-neck shirt. It was her second favorite comfortable outfit.

Lexa knocked on the guest room door and opened it up at the same time. "Would you like so- oh crap." Clarke was wearing nothing, but her university sweatshirt and a skimpy pair of panties and Lexa turned around in record time, almost bumping in the door frame. "Shit, sorry," she apologized, her throat suddenly dry. "Would you like some coffee?"

Clarke's laugh was melodic and not at all apologetic. "No, it's okay. I'm dressed now."

Lexa didn't dare to turn around, but when Clarke came down the stairs she wasn't sure if she was more affected by her half naked or her wearing Lexa's favorite clothes. "Ready?" she rasped out.

"Yup."

The drive back to the treatment center was silent, but not uncomfortable. Clarke was playing with the touch screen and Lexa was gently swatting her hand away every time Clarke wanted to skip a song she liked.

Clarke smirked and grabbed Lexa's right hand with her left and used her right hand to skip the song, knowing Lexa couldn't stop her because she had her left hand on the steering wheel.

Lexa's mind was too fuzzy to even complain. She didn't care what Clarke was doing as long as she was laughing like that. The familiar sign and the gate brought Lexa back to reality and she expected to feel anxious seeing the treatment center again, but instead she felt at ease.

Clarke undid her seatbelt and leaned over to hug Lexa. It was a little uncomfortable, but the rain was still pouring outside. Lexa's heart stuttered at the way Clarke smelled like her. Clarke pressed a kiss on Lexa's cheek. "You're cute when you're flustered."

A part of Lexa wanted to grab Clarke's hand and pull her in for a real kiss. Another part of her argued that Clarke deserved better than a rushed, awkwardly angled car kiss. So, Lexa settled on a bashful smile and a small wave.


	18. Chapter 18

The flashy tabloid headline made Lexa sigh and her hands tightened uncomfortably. She knew it was going to happen at some point, heard the threats, seen his anger. But to see it in person made her feel disgusted. But, it was printed. Sold. Nothing she could do about it now except for reminding everyone of the truth.

_Young CEO Lexa Woods went in rehab for drugs, an insider told us._

Lexa snorted. "Insider my ass," she muttered to herself. She knew Aden's dad did this. The mocking e-mail she received in the morning from him only confirmed it.

_You got what you asked for._

Already thinking of ways to fix this, Lexa wasn't too worried. She wasn't worried about her employees, but she did wonder if the general public was going to believe the magazine. It wouldn't be the first time. They lived for drama and since Lexa refused any additional interviews to talk about her eating disorder it was all they knew.

There was just one time in Lexa's career that she had to call a press conference. It was after her parents' death and everyone was confused about what was going to happen now. Lexa, still grieving and trembling, had to tell them that she was taking over. Just freshly out of university. Barely any experiences. A lot of people were unhappy, but even more people stayed and supported her.

"A press conference?" Anya asked, unsure.

Lexa nodded. "Yes. Look, rumors don't bother me. But lies do. And this could damage the company, could damage me. I need to stand up for myself. I'm not going to go into details, just explain how this is wrong and remind them why I was really in treatment center."

"Okay. Do you want like a witness? Cause I can vouch for you," Anya said without a hesitance.

"I know. But no, thank you. It's just going to be quick fifteen minutes and then I'll be out and back in the office," Lexa said confidently. She hoped she was right.

The press showed up in large numbers, eagerly awaiting Lexa's speech. The cameras and microphones were shoved in her face the moment she entered the room and she had to push through them to get to the podium. Lexa cleared her throat.

"Good morning," Lexa greeted and was met with dead silence. Politeness was a stranger to them. Lexa moved a bit away from the microphone to sigh. "Let's cut straight to business. I am here to address the rumors that have been released recently."

Everyone's eyes, microphones and camera lenses were focused on Lexa.

"The rumor that I have been in rehab for drugs is a blatant lie. However, this might already be known to a lot of people, I have been admitted in a treatment center. I was being helped with my eating disorder, anxiety and panic attacks. I was dwelling on this for a really long time, feeling too embarrassed to admit it, but I learned that there's nothing wrong with asking for help. And even if I were treated for drug abuse, exploiting someone's addiction or illness is vile. If you need help, don't be afraid to seek professional help," Lexa completed her speech smoothly. She smirked at the cameras, only doing it for the show, but also because the press hadn't attacked her with additional questions yet. "Thank you for your time."

It wasn't until Lexa was walking towards the door that they started yelling out her name and asking more questions. But Lexa was done. She addressed the issue. Told the truth. She didn't feel the need to tell them more. There was still a thick line between her public reputation and her personal life.

"You handled that like a champ," Anya praised. "You're okay with it, right?"

"Yes. I'm good."

And Lexa was. As she took the stairs up to her office she realized this was the first time in her life that she truly felt happy. She laughed to herself. She didn't know how to describe what she was feeling, all she knew was that her shoulders were light and there was an extra bounce in her step. And she was doing it all on her own. Well, mostly. Because Anya still wanted to feel helpful and Lexa actually reached out to Emori and she went to visit Tris once a week and helped her with her homework sometimes. Aden sent her another letter, he preferred writing on paper over e-mails or texts, and apologized for his father's actions. Lexa still needed to write him back, but he had nothing to apologize for.

And Clarke, Lexa though with a soft sigh. Clarke was busy, her schedule as tight as Lexa's and sometimes even worse considering at least Lexa had her nights off, but she kept in contact. The long stream of late-night conversation text bubbles on Lexa's phone were the proof.

Lexa missed Clarke, was trying to find of ways to invite her over or out on a cup of tea, but asking her would mean she could get rejected again. It wouldn't be the end of the world, but Lexa had just started feeling comfortable in her own skin and realized that the waitress in the café across the street was actually flirting with her and not mocking her. It would take a while to rebuild all that again.

After the press conference Lexa thought her problem would be gone. She told the truth and the press ate it up. They obviously wanted to know more but Lexa was known to be short-worded, especially for media outlets. Words were far too easy to be taken out of context.

Except three days later a different magazine with her face plastered on the cover was released. It wasn't Aden's father's fault this time. No, this was much more personal. In fact, it made Lexa's great week turn into a horrible one.

_Lexa Woods's ex-fiancée (YES, YOU READ IT RIGHT) shared this secret about the sexy CEO_

The anger was almost blinding. Not just because Costia did this but because even after everything she had done Lexa was sure she wouldn't be exploited for money. She was so wrong.

**Lexa  
I'm taking today off.**

**Anya  
You ok?**

**Lexa  
I will be.**

Lexa's only plan for the day was to overthink. And hope that once she was done anguishing over something she couldn't change, she would be able to move past it. Grabbing her fluffiest blanket and realizing her university sweatshirt was still gone she settled on her favorite zip-up hoodie. Lexa sat down on her couch, still in awe at how comfortable it was. Sometimes she woke up in the middle of the night, confused and panicked about where she was before remembering she was in her new home. It had been a month since she moved, but everything still felt new. Lexa grabbed the magazine and sat down on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest.

Whatever Costia sold about her wasn't too detailed or about their intimate life. No, she used Lexa's eating disorder. The beginnings of it, how it affected Costia's life, a bullshit lie about how they broke up because she wanted Lexa to be better. Lexa growled and ripped the page out and crumbled it before tossing it away. On the next page was a recipe for cookies. Lexa needed to transform her anger into something productive.

That's how Lexa ended up with four platters of cookies. It was a little excessive, but she felt better afterwards. The first batch got burned anyway, and Lexa had to throw it away. She wasn't aware of her flour stained cheek and a chocolate chip in her hair when the doorbell rang. Lexa washed her hands and went to open it.

Clarke looked utterly amused, eyebrows raised high in surprise. "Well, hello."

Lexa couldn't not smile as she leaned against the door frame, still unaware of her appearance. "Hi. What are you doing here?"

"I stopped by the company to return the clothes I borrowed, but Anya said you're home. I did ask if I can visit and she said it's fine," Clarke explained, tugging on Lexa's university sweatshirt that she was wearing.

"Do you always wear clothes you're supposed to return?" Lexa asked.

Clarke smiled. "Only when they're this comfortable. I'd ask if I can come in, but you seem to be busy."

Lexa's forehead creased in confusion but then her breath hitched when Clarke placed her hand on her cheek and brushed her fingers against Lexa's skin.

"You've got flour on your face. And chocolate chips in your hair."

Lexa blushed and wiped the rest of the flour off with the back of her hand. "Want a cookie?"

"Always."

Lexa's kitchen didn't look any better. The counters were a mess and there was no available space as trays filled with cookies took up most of it.

"You've been busy," Clarke pointed out.

Lexa nodded, her mood changing when she remembered why. She wasn't sure if Clarke had seen the article, if she even had time to read it, but just the thought of Clarke reading it and maybe believing the article made Lexa's stomach turn. When she came out of her thoughts Clarke was frowning at her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," Lexa responded automatically, before shaking her head. "No." Clarke was waiting for an explanation, but Lexa went in the living room to pick up the crumbled piece of paper.

Clarke took the offered wrinkly magazine page and smoothed it out enough to read it. She sighed once she finished scanning through the printed words. "I'm sorry that this is happening to you right now."

"It's not your fault," Lexa said, shrugging defeatedly.

"It's not yours either," Clarke stated. Lexa wanted to argue about that. "It's not. I don't know what's going through your head right now, but this isn't your fault. You didn't ask for this."

"I just… Even after everything she has done I was still convinced she would never exploit me for money. I'm so fucking stupid." Lexa's voice cracked, and she sounded as small as she felt.

Clarke took a step closer. "You're not stupid, Lexa. You have such a big heart and I love that about you. You care, even if you feel like you shouldn't, and there's nothing wrong with that. What she did to you is vile and humiliating, but you should never blame yourself."

Lexa just sighed.

"Do you want me to kick her ass?"

At that Lexa laughed. "As much as I appreciate the offer, I have to decline. I'm pretty sure Anya wants to do that herself." And then Lexa remembered why Clarke was standing in her kitchen in the first place. "Still want a cookie?"

Clarke eagerly nodded.

"Okay, these are chocolate chip cookies. Then I have oatmeal cookies. And gingerbread cookies," Lexa rambled, pointing at different trays. She had icing ready, but hadn't managed to put it on the cookies yet. "We can ice the cookies first."

"I don't really like icing," Clarke admitted.

"That's okay. Um, do you need to leave?" Lexa asked, suddenly remembering that Clarke was a busy woman.

Clarke smiled brightly at her. "Nope. I'm all yours."

Lexa's heart stuttered at her words and she gave Clarke a plate to put her cookies on. Clarke chose on of each and she led her to the living room.

"Oh, right," Clarke exclaimed suddenly, placing the plate on the coffee table and taking Lexa's sweatshirt off. Lexa tried not to stare too hard or pretend to notice the patch of creamy skin exposing itself for a few seconds.

"Thanks," Lexa rasped out, accepting the sweatshirt. She unintentionally caught a whiff of it and smiled when she realized Clarke washed it and now it smelled exactly like her. She placed it aside. "I can turn on the TV," she offered.

Clarke shrugged, already munching on the first cookie. "If you want to. That was my original plan for the day anyway before I started doing laundry and saw the clothes I borrowed."

Lexa passed Clarke the remote control. "I don't know why I still bother with the cable, I never watch TV. I keep telling myself to sign up for a Netflix account, but never got around to do it. I just use Anya's, but she signed out and I don't know the password."

"You can use mine," Clarke said without any hesitation and was already logging into Netflix.

"You don't have to," Lexa argued. "I didn't say this to use yours."

"I know. I'm offering," Clarke stated with a cheeky grin. "I have two accounts anyway. I share one with Raven and Bellamy because they're cheap and refuse to pay for their own. This one is just mine. Well, ours now."

"Ours," Lexa murmured so quietly that Clarke couldn't hear her while picking out something to watch.

They sat on the couch for a while but after Clarke finished the cookies she was looking for a way to get more comfortable. Even if that meant placing her head in Lexa's lap. "That okay?" Clarke asked as she started leaning back.

Lexa nodded, but then quickly stopped Clarke. She made herself more comfortable and grabbed a cushion to place it under Clarke's head. She threaded her fingers through Clarke's soft blonde hair and basked in the soft sigh escaping from pink lips. She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but they had gotten halfway through the movie, when Lexa's phone made a noise on the coffee table. Clarke raised her head, attempting to allow Lexa to reach for her phone, but Lexa kept playing with her hair. "It's just work email," Lexa said, recognizing the notification tone.

"Are you sure?"

Lexa hummed in confirmation.

Clarke looked lost in her thoughts for a while. When Clarke looked up at her, Lexa thought she was going to stop breathing right there. "Have you… Have you been dating?"

The question came out of nowhere and Lexa's hand froze in Clarke's hair. "No. Not just… because of you, but when you said I might not be ready I think you were right. And then I was too busy." Lexa released a shuddering breath. "I probably could have. I wanted to, for a while, because I felt so alone, but I don't think it would have been serious. I'm content now, though."

I'm ready now.

Clarke nodded and fell silent and Lexa resumed playing with her hair. "This makes me wish I had someone else playing with my hair," Lexa blurted out before she could stop herself.

"We can have that arranged," Clarke said and sat up. "Get up," she bossed Lexa, who obeyed her without questions asked, and then she laid down on the couch. She squeezed against the back of the couch as much as possible.

If it seemed like a good idea at the beginning Lexa was definitely thinking it over as they laid there, face to face. It would have been fine if it wasn't for the urge to lean in. So close. She was so close. Clarke looked just as dazed.

"Is your heart racing too?" Clarke whispered.

Lexa nodded, her nose brushing against Clarke's. All she could see was blue and she had to shut her eyes to regain some control. She wasn't prepared for warm lips wrapping around her own. If she thought their first kiss was good this was even better. It was soft and warm, and it made Lexa dizzy just the right amount. Clarke pulled away and Lexa chased her lips, releasing a shuddering breath. Clarke let out a raspy laugh that made Lexa groan. She needed some air. Eyes fluttering open she was met with dilated pupils and a smirk playing on kissable lips.

"You're going to kill me," Lexa sighed, voice low and her breath still out of control.

Clarke tucked a strand of brown hair behind a small ear. "Good?"

"So good," Lexa managed to breathe out before her lips were back on Clarke's. It started out sweet and soft but then Lexa moved on top of Clarke. Lexa loved kissing and she never experienced a bad kiss, but it was never like this. Hot and wet and steamy. There was definitely lust felt in their kisses, the way Clarke tugged on Lexa's hair and Lexa pressed her hips against Clarke's. But it was also more than that. It was Lexa slowing down the kiss and intertwining her fingers with Clarke. It was Clarke gently stroking Lexa's jawline.

Clarke let out a moan and Lexa realized just how hot she felt. Her forehead turned damp, hair sticking to it, and she could feel her shirt clinging to her back. She pulled away with a gasp, but even laying next to Clarke felt uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Lexa said and stood up. Clarke's skin was still flushed and her hair wonderfully messy from Lexa's wandering hands. She wondered if she looked the same.

Clarke sat up. "Did I do something?"

Lexa sighed. "No, no. Absolutely not. I think… I think it got too hot. I just need to get some air." She walked outside, taking a deep breath. Everything still smelled like Clarke though. The windy air helped Lexa cool down. It wasn't long until she started getting cold. Before she could turn around Clarke was there, wrapping a blanket over her shoulders.

"You don't want to get sick," Clarke said softly.

Lexa agreed. She stared at the view, trying to find a way to explain what she felt to Clarke. "Nothing you did made me uncomfortable or feel unpleasant in any way. In all honesty, those were the best kisses I had ever felt. I just got really hot and sweaty and not in the sexy way."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Clarke stated.

"But I do. Because if someone ran out on me after such good kisses I would want to know why too," Lexa pointed out.

Clarke laughed. "Those must have been some kisses, huh?"

"I'm a lucky lady," Lexa said, reaching for Clarke's hand.

"I think she's the lucky one." Clarke leaned her head on Lexa's shoulder and watched Lexa observe the view. The look on Lexa's face was so care-free and she didn't look exhausted or had bags under her eyes. She looked young and beautiful. And Clarke smiled because that's all she wanted for Lexa.

Lexa could feel Clarke's eyes on her and turned towards her, catching her by surprise when she boldly kissed her. It wasn't long or particularly passionate, just a kiss to let Clarke know she was still very much interested and to ground herself in that moment. "I'm ready now," she murmured against pink lips.

Instead of acting shocked, Clarke laughed. "I know."

Now Lexa was the one surprised.

"You just have this glow about you. I don't think you can tell, but I can. When you arrived in the treatment center you were really fatigued and exhausted and your presence, as powerful as it was, was slacking. When you got out it was better, but you still seemed unsure. Now you're just… It's like you're pulling me in, demanding to have my attention on you without actually doing or saying anything. It's really sexy," Clarke explained.

Lexa blushed. "I didn't know that. Anya just said I have a bomb ass and that I need to keep it."

Clarke's eyes twinkled in delight. "That too." Her hand intentionally grazed Lexa's butt.

Lexa laughed and twirled around to grab Clarke's hand. She pulled her in front of her, chin resting on Clarke's shoulder as she pressed a kiss on the back of her hair and then focused on the view. She didn't think she would ever get tired of it. And when Clarke leaned back into her without hesitation she realized just how much she wanted to share this journey with her.


	19. Chapter 19

Business trips were basically in the job description of a CEO. Lexa used to travel at least twice a week. When she came back from the treatment center her work was limited to the company and surrounding area and she was okay with that. But that had to change as her presence was needed at an, although boring, necessary seminar.

The only issue was that the hotel room they offered her had two beds and Lexa didn't want to go alone.

"It's even colder there," Anya complained, when Lexa offered her one of the beds. "I know winter has just started but this is seriously absurd. I could freeze!"

"No, you couldn't," Lexa said and rolled her eyes. "But you don't have to come."

Anya grinned, and it was far too cheerful for her and Lexa knew something mischievous was brewing in that head of hers. "You could ask Clarke."

Things with Clarke have been going great, if not a little slow. They were both busy and Octavia got sick, so Clarke took all her shifts. They hadn't seen each other since they made out in Lexa's living room and it was starting to annoy Lexa. The cute text messages and occasional video chatting helped. But spending two days with Clarke? Sharing a room with Clarke? Lexa wasn't sure about it. It was for the first time in her life that Lexa didn't know where she stood with someone she wanted. Lexa was someone who set boundaries as soon as possible. Everything was different with Clarke though.

"What, are you two not a thing anymore?" Anya asked after Lexa pulled a weird face at the idea. "You told me you made out."

"We did, and we are a thing," Lexa said. Not sure what kind of thing, but they were something. Flirty, suggestive texts and random conversations at wee hours of the morning. Sometimes it was raspy good morning calls and rushed video calls when eating breakfast. "But I don't want to invite her just because I don't want to go alone. Plus, I'll be gone for most of the first day and she would just be bored."

"Or maybe she would love to spend some time with you, even if it means waiting for you to finish with your seminar. And you can take her to the ball the next day."

Lexa sighed. "You know I hate the ball."

"You'd love it with Clarke there," Anya said, already deciding for Lexa.

It's not that Lexa didn't want Clarke there, it's just not asking was still easier than getting her hopes up and being disappointed. She had gotten used to Clarke's schedule and hers was only just slightly better.

They were talking on the phone the next morning, Clarke's voice echoing in her kitchen while Lexa was making herself breakfast. Lexa sighed yet again.

"Okay, that was like the sixth sigh in the last minute. What's bothering you?" Clarke asked.

"I have a business trip coming up," Lexa explained briefly.

"Okay. Is that a bad thing?"

Lexa rubbed her forehead. "No. But, the thing is they gave me a room with two beds and I don't want to go alone, and Anya already declined my offer and then suggested I should ask you. But I know you're really busy and it was easier not asking then hearing you say no. I'll just go alone."

"Lexa, take a breath," Clarke laughed. "When is it?"

"In two weeks, on the sixteenth. The seminar is on Saturday and there's a ball on Sunday. But I understand if you can't make it or if you think it's boring," Lexa said, already defeated.

"I didn't say no, did I?" Clarke teased.

Lexa smiled at Clarke's voice. "No. But I know how crazy your schedule us. We haven't seen each other since…"

"Since we made out in your living room?"

Lexa flushed. "Yes."

"I'll be there," Clarke said, her tone softer. Lexa wasn't sure if it was reserved just for her, but it made her feel warm anyway. "We're closing the treatment on tenth for a few months to do some renovations and because our heating isn't working properly."

"Oh. You're free for the next few months?"

"Mhm. Obviously, I'll be overseeing the reservations, but otherwise I'm all yours."

Lexa smiled. "You'll come with me on the business trip?"

"If you still want me to."

"Yes," Lexa replied way too quick. "I do. I can't wait. It's a two-hour plane flight away and I'll pick you up and everything."

Clarke laughed. "We'll figure it out. We still have time." A brief pause on the line before Clarke's voice came back. "Babe, I have to go, but I'll talk to you later."

Lexa didn't have time to respond, her mind reeling from being called babe. She was never one for pet names or nicknames. All the classics felt so 'been there, done that' and Lexa wasn't about to create her own pet name. But, Clarke calling her babe? She could live with that.

Two weeks felt like a really long time to wait to spend a weekend with your girlfriend, Lexa thought. But was Clarke her girlfriend? Were they exclusive? Was Clarke seeing other people? Lexa didn't know how to ask over the phone, but she knew they would have to talk on the trip. Lexa was practically giddy by the time Saturday rolled around. Even though the flight was at seven and she had to wake up obnoxiously early she was excited.

She packed a small suitcase. It's not that Lexa needed that much, but she did have a few outfit options for the ball and a little something if she would get the chance to take Clarke out on their very first date. Lexa got an Uber to pick her and Clarke up. Lexa was a little antsy in the car but the moment she saw Clarke it all went away. Clarke who was wearing sweatpants and still had a sleepy look on her face. Lexa held back a laugh from the way she stumbled in the car and crashed into Lexa's side. Lexa protectively wrapped her arm around Clarke. "Did you not sleep well?"

Clarke smiled sheepishly at her. "I was too nervous about today. I didn't know what to bring or wear."

Lexa kissed her cheek, mindful of the stranger who was giving them a ride. "That's okay. You can sleep on the plane and in the hotel room." Not that Lexa had any plans for the day. The seminar was from eleven till five and Clarke would be left to her own devices in the meantime.

They got to the airport without any issues, Lexa beaming from the way Clarke held her hand and didn't want to let it go even when they were checking in. They only had to wait for a little while before their boarding time and they spent it browsing the stores, not really talking much. Clarke was still sleepy, and Lexa was content just watching her.

It wasn't until they got to the gate that Clarke furrowed her eyebrows. "First class?"

"You've never flown first class before?" Lexa asked.

Clarke shook her head. "My family was well off, but we rarely flew. Dad was a car trip kind of person. And owning a treatment center doesn't really bring big bucks. Don't get me wrong, it pays enough, and I can't complain, but some months are better than others and we have to be careful. Renovations are expensive, but we've been saving up and the past year has been really good businesswise."

"It's going to be just like any other flight, except maybe more comfortable."

"Wait, did you have to pay for our tickets?"

Lexa briefly thought about lying but she decided not to and nodded. "They weren't as expensive as you'd think because the seminar organization offered discount." She took Clarke's hand. "Don't worry about it, okay? I paid the tickets before I asked you, anyway. I was going to take Anya before she suggested maybe I should take you instead."

Clarke leaned into Lexa's side. "Did you not want to take me?"

"No, I did. I thought about it, but I know you're very busy. I was a little scared of asking you and getting a no for an answer. It's silly, I know, but I am glad it is you who's coming with me," Lexa admitted.

They boarded the plane and Clarke was entranced with all the buttons surrounding her seat. Lexa just made herself comfortable. She used to be a frequent flyer, and everything was familiar. She set up her chair and instructed Clarke on which buttons to use. A flight attendant came and offered them drinks.

"Juice, please," Lexa ordered, politely.

"Do you have any white wine?" Clarke asked. The woman nodded. "Actually, just some water, please."

Lexa chewed on her bottom lip. "You do know you're allowed to drink, right? Just because… I know people can have healthy relationships with alcohol and even I drink a glass of white every once in a while."

Clarke smiled and reached for Lexa's hand. "I know. I changed my mind because I want to take a nap and I haven't really had breakfast today."

"You didn't have breakfast?" Lexa asked, worried. Sure, her breakfast consisted of muesli, fruit and a cup of orange juice, but she knew that was enough for her.

Clarke shrugged. "I don't know if you have the hardest meal of the day, but for me it's breakfast. I can eat anything, any time of the day, except in the morning. It's why staying in the treatment is easier, because I just eat with everyone else. And sometimes Raven packs me little breakfast sack lunches. I did eat a few berries, but probably not enough to hold the wine."

Lexa nodded with a worrying crease between her eyes. She never even thought that Clarke might still be having a hard time. "For me it's lunch. It's just so in the middle of the day and I'd rather be doing work than taking a break and eating. I go easy on breakfast and I'm starting to enjoy dinners."

"Yeah?" Clarke had an easy smile on her face. "That's really good. Dinners are my favorite too. Midnight snacks even more."

Lexa laughed. The flight attendant brought them their drinks and Lexa also ordered a vegetarian sandwich for Clarke. She carefully tore it in half and placed both halves in front of Clarke. She found it that splitting food made it look less intimidating, therefore easier to eat. Lexa turned on the movie, but didn't put her headphones on. She just watched it on mute while Clarke ate. "Feeling better now?" Lexa asked once the sandwich was gone.

"Still sleepy, but thank you, I needed that," Clarke said, leaning back.

"Go to sleep," Lexa said, already reaching for her headphones. "I'll wake you up once we land."

Clarke watched the movie with Lexa until she fell asleep and Lexa held her hand the entire time. The touchdown of the plane startled Clarke from her nap, but she looked more refreshed. Lexa grew nervous as they exited the airport and got into a taxi. She wasn't sure how to behave around Clarke. Was she allowed to kiss her? What should they talk about? When should they talk about them? They were quiet all the way to the hotel.

Lexa checked in at the front desk and they walked in an elevator. Luckily, it was just the two of them.

"Did I do something to make you uncomfortable?" Clarke asked.

"No, no. I'm not uncomfortable. I just think we should talk. About us. And I'd also like to take you on a date sometime soon," Lexa rushed out her words, taking a deep breath after she was done and smiling sheepishly at Clarke.

Clarke beamed. "I agree with all of what you said."

Lexa nodded, already thinking of date ideas. She unlocked the door to the hotel room. There was a little entrance room with a couch and table with two chairs in the corner and a door leading to the bedroom. Clarke spun around, taking it all in. "This is beautiful."

"It is. I'm sorry that I have to leave you for such a long time," Lexa apologized. "I'll leave my laptop here, so you can watch movies. Or you can read something on the kindle. Or just watch TV."

Clarke placed a finger over Lexa's lips, stopping her rambling attack. "I'll be okay. If you think I mind being lazy for a few hours you're very wrong."

Lexa laughed, her breath hot against Clarke's finger. Her eyelashes fluttered when Clarke's hand slid down to her neck and then their lips met. The warm pressure of Clarke against her made Lexa sigh and she clung to her waist, fingers digging in her hips through the shirt. Clarke picked up on Lexa's want and took a step forward, pushing Lexa against the wall. A breathy moan was swallowed, and Lexa pulled away panting. "I have to get ready."

Clarke hummed against her lips and pulled away. "Don't forget me while you're off at your fancy business seminar."

"Like I could ever forget you." Lexa allowed herself one last kiss before taking a deep breath. She needed to look presentable. She quickly changed in a dark blue suit she brought with her. Clarke stared at her with dark eyes and Lexa couldn't help but brisk past her with an extra bounce in her steps.

Lexa usually dreaded seminars. They were too long and boring. Most of what was told was already old news or something Lexa knew about. But she had to attend them for the sake of finding business partners. Not that Lexa was searching for business partners, but knowing your competition was always useful. Lexa had her tablet with her, doodling more than taking notes, but her presence was enough. She only spoke once and the second she opened her mouth everyone fell silent, taking in every word and writing down every syllable. Oh yeah, CEO Lexa Woods still got it.

By the time the seminar was over the sun was setting in a cold December night. Lexa didn't use her phone at the seminar, only texting Clarke afterwards to let her know she was on her way to the hotel.

When Lexa opened the hotel door the lights were off, and the entrance room was illuminated by the soft glow of candles. She gasped in surprise and when she stepped inside she almost slipped. Rose pedals were scattered across the floor. A cardboard box on the table in the corner. "Clarke?"

Clarke appeared from the bedroom. "Hi. Do you like it?"

"I…" Lexa looked around, breathless from the way Clarke glowed in the candle-lit room. "I love it. Is this for me?"

"Oh, you caught me. I actually did this for my other girlfriend. Have you seen her?"

Lexa scoffed at her teasing but then perked up. "Girlfriend?"

The smile on Clarke's face was earth-stopping. "I don't just light a hundred candles and throw rose pedals for everyone."

"I've never had anyone do that for me," Lexa confessed, softly. "I love candles."

"Good. I hope you love pizza too."

The truth was that Lexa hadn't had pizza since she got out of treatment. She found it easier to eat food she made herself. She knew she could make pizza herself too, but she was saving it for a special occasion. First date with Clarke seemed special enough.

Lexa eagerly nodded, shrugging off her jacket.

"Okay, but help me blow out the candles first, I don't want to set this hotel on fire."

They blew out the candles in the entrance room, Clarke promising there wasn't any in the bedroom. Lexa opened a window to avoid triggering the fire alarm, even though she loved the smell of burnt out candles.

"Let's eat in bed," Clarke suggested.

Lexa wanted to argue. Grease stains weren't something she wanted to sleep in, but Clarke was beaming at her and she reluctantly agreed. The bedroom was covered in rose petals as well. Clarke brushed the petals off and sat on the bed, sighing at the comfort. They surrounded themselves with fluffy pillows, pizza in the middle.

At the first bite Lexa was reminded just how much she loved pizza. Hot, gooey, cheesy pizza. She ate any kind. Mushrooms, pineapple, peperoni, salami. She didn't care. "This is so good," she moaned.

"Supposedly the best pizza in town," Clarke stated. "I'm glad you're enjoying it."

Their conversation was about everything and nothing. Between bites they learned each other's favorite colors. Clarke sang a chorus of her favorite song and Lexa quoted her favorite movie. It was little things that Lexa loved learning about her. Clarke could only sleep with socks on. She had her license, but she couldn't drive well. Clarke wanted a pet, but due to her schedule had no time to care for one. Lexa didn't know how long they talked but the pizza box was empty, and her stomach was full.

Clarke's eyes dropped down to Lexa's cleavage area. "You seem to have spilled some of the sauce on your white shirt."

Lexa flushed, embarrassed from how clumsy she was with pizza and unbuttoned her shirt. She wasn't worried about the fabric, she owned multiple white shirts.

"Wow."

"Huh?"

Clarke was already reaching forward, arms circling Lexa's waist. "You're ripped."

"I've been working out. Not like a lot, but I've been gaining muscle weight. Before my eating disorder got really bad I was running and competing in a triathlon. But that was also when I was still in university. I'm happy with the results though."

Clarke's nails scratched over her stomach and Lexa shivered, her jaw tightening. She was sitting in her plain black bra and it wasn't cold, but her body was reacting to Clarke's touch. Lexa pouted just a little when Clarke retrieved her hands but then her eyes almost budged out when Clarke's shirt came off. The bra Clarke was wearing should have been illegal. "Wh-… I… What are you doing?"

"I figured we could be equally undressed. Or is it too much?"

If too much meant Lexa wanted to pin Clarke against the bed, then the answer was yes. Lexa swallowed down the lust and tried to focus on Clarke's eyes. "No."

The box was kicked off the bed and Clarke's body was on top of Lexa's before she could blink. Lexa's hands trembled against Clarke's bare skin. Their lips met, and Lexa was a goner. Clarke rolled her hips and Lexa moaned in the kiss. It used to take a long time for her to get aroused. It took her even longer to orgasm. But when Clarke's thigh slipped between her legs she realized just how embarrassingly close she already was.

Lexa didn't believe in perfect first times, it was supposed to be a little awkward trying to learn somebody's body for the first time. But with Clarke everything came so easily, pun intended. There was no unsure fumbling and when Clarke laughed it was because of Lexa's lips on her ticklish stomach.

If you asked Lexa before that day she would say there was no such thing as perfect dates. But Clarke was the perfect date.

When Lexa woke up she felt a lot like when she woke up in Clarke's arms in treatment center. Except they were both naked and she wasn't her patient anymore. They were equals. Girlfriends. Lovers. Lexa smiled, curling into Clarke.

They spent most of the day in bed. They even ate in bed. Lexa was suddenly reconsidering her no-food-in-the-bed rule. They finally left the bedroom to take a shower and get ready for the ball. Lexa was nervous. They got ready in separate rooms for the element of surprise. Lexa was ready first, checking in the mirror and spinning her watch around her wrist. She was wearing a black dress with a rather high thigh slit, but she thought she looked good. She didn't know what Clarke was going to wear, she just hoped they would match.

When Clarke finally emerged from the bathroom Lexa choked on her saliva and burst into a coughing fit. Clarke was wearing a collared blue dress and she looked breathtaking. Her legs were on display and the high heels only highlighted them. "You're beautiful," Lexa murmured, pressing a quick kiss to Clarke's lips. If it was anything longer than that she feared they wouldn't make it to the ball.

"You're gorgeous," Clarke sighed, fingers tracing Lexa's arm. She didn't notice the thigh slit until they sat in the cab and Lexa's delicious leg was on display. She trailed her fingers up her thigh, grinning when Lexa squirmed in her seat but then Lexa swatted her hand away and laced their fingers together. She leaned into, breath hot against her ear. "We could just go back."

"Mm." Lexa really wanted to. But she also wanted to have at least one dance with Clarke.

She got her wish an hour later. They were pleasantly warm from the wine. Neither drank too much, just enough to be buzzed. Lexa stood up from her chair and Clarke creased her forehead in confusion. "May I have this dance?" Lexa asked, doing a little bow in front of Clarke.

"I would love it," Clarke said, taking Lexa's hand.

The dance floor wasn't overly packed. Despite it being a ball, most people just stuck to their tables. But Lexa didn't care about them. She wrapped her arms around Clarke's waist while Clarke wrapped hers around Lexa's neck. "I'm not much of a dancer," Lexa admitted, leaning her forehead against Clarke's.

"You're doing well," Clarke said, her voice soft and her eyes ever so blue.

Lexa was never a fan of public display of affection. Except in that moment when all she wanted to do was kiss her beautiful girlfriend. And she did. When Lexa pulled away she was blushing, and Clarke laughed when she hid her face in her neck.

They woke up to the pictures of their kiss posted online. For once in her life Lexa didn't care about what the media thought, because they made a good looking couple and the world knew she was a lesbian since she was nineteen.

"Hey, can I post this on Instagram?" Clarke asked somewhat shyly. She wanted a picture of them on her social media. The pictures of them kissing looked cute.

Lexa frowned. "No."

"Oh." Clarke's shoulders dropped.

Lexa picked up Clarke's phone. She turned on the camera and caught Clarke by surprise when she kissed her. And then she kissed her cheek and took another photo. Blew a raspberry against Clarke's neck which made her laugh and took another picture. "If you want pictures of us, just take them. I want us to have memories and I trust you. I might be bad with social media, but that doesn't mean I want to hide you."

The picture Clarke chose for her Instagram account was the one where she was laughing, and Lexa was smiling against her cheek. They looked absolutely in love. It meant even more to Clarke because it was Lexa who took it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure how i feel about this chapter but it might be just because we're so close to the end


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who stuck by me and read this story, I hope the ending is satisfactory

There was slight discomfort visible on Lexa's face as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her belly was protruding just the slightest, but her feet were already swollen, and really, every joint ached. She felt gross. And she didn't enjoy the image she was seeing. But when soft arms circled around her bare waist she relaxed with a sigh.

"I'm sorry this is hard for you, love."

Lexa sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."

"Hey, no," Clarke argued, frowning. "We both wanted this. We made the decision together. I didn't say what I said to talk you out of it, I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable with what you were getting into. And you're fucking glowing. You're breathtaking. You're carrying our baby."

When Lexa first came forward with her wish, with her desire to carry a baby it took both of them by surprise. Lexa never saw herself as someone maternal and it was only when she was with Tris and Aden that she felt like she could maybe take care of someone. And Clarke was just worried that it would trigger her eating disorder and self-esteem issues.

"I love the idea of you carrying our child for nine months," Clarke said when they were still just discussing about expanding their family. A blissful smile on her face.

"But?" Lexa prodded, feeling like there was something left unsaid. They talked about family. Wanted one together.

"But it's been five years since you left treatment. Five years that weren't always easy. Pregnancy is a major trigger for women who suffered from eating disorders. Everything changes. Your whole body. And sometimes it changes forever."

Lexa frowned.

"I'm not saying this for you to change your mind," Clarke murmured, slipping one hand under Lexa's shirt to rub her flat tummy. "I want to fulfill all your fantasies. Make all your dreams come true. I don't want you to suffer or hate yourself. I love you so much."

Lexa's heart fluttered at her words despite hearing them multiple times a day since Clarke first said them. "I love you. And I know if we do this I can't just stop halfway through and say it's too hard. I want to have a crazy big family with you. And yeah, okay, I don't want to carry all our future kids, but I want to experience this."

"Then we'll do it. We'll find a sperm donor and do the entire procedure and put a bun in your oven. But only if you promise to talk to me if it starts bothering you, if you feel like you're slipping up."

Lexa wrinkled her nose. "You make it sound like a drug addiction."

Clarke kissed the tip of Lexa's nose. "Eating disorders don't go away, love. You can gain control over it and conquer it, but it's always going to be there."

"I know," Lexa breathed out, thinking of some of the hard days she had. But she won over her eating disorder every single time. She was certain she could do it again. And again. As long as Clarke was by her side. "Let's make a baby."

Lexa rolled on top of Clarke and the sweet melodic laugh made her smile against Clarke's collarbone. "I think you lack the equipment."

"We can practice," Lexa suggested, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Practice away."

They started the process and Lexa got pregnant on the second try. It was challenging right from the start. It started with the bloated tummy and the morning sickness that went all the way to her second trimester. Throwing up for four months would be a lot for everyone and it was only that much harder on Lexa. But she didn't complain. Not once.

And Clarke was an angel, sitting in the cold bathroom and braiding Lexa's hair as she was throwing up. She made sure Lexa ate, made sure she drank enough, made sure she felt nothing but loved, wanted and supported.

Once the morning sickness settled the pregnancy got slightly easier. And when Lexa was five months along they were told she was carrying twins. Two babies. Abby made a joke about it once when Lexa was still in the first trimester and Clarke thought it was hilarious. But it did explain why everything was twice as hard. It also worried Clarke that much more.

"I'm okay," Lexa reassured her. "Is it hard? Yes. But I wouldn't change it for a thing. I love you and I'm going to love these two babies so much. I already do."

That much evident in the way Lexa gently caressed her bump, the way she talked to the babies sometimes. "I know," Clarke said, never doubting Lexa's love. "I love you. All three of you. And I'm so unbelievably proud of you. Carrying twins? That's badass as fuck."

Lexa snorted. "You better not be using that kind of language around them."

"I still have four more months of cursing allowed," Clarke claimed. "And you bet your sweet ass I'll use it."

The next couple of months were almost easy. Lexa's appetite was healthy and her sex drive high and Clarke found herself in blissful exhaustion. Between the treatment center and tending to Lexa's every need her schedule felt full, but also not nearly as packed as it was before Lexa came along. They had been married for two years and Clarke hired one more doctor which allowed her to have more free time. Time that she loved spending with Lexa.

And Lexa's company was bursting with joy and pride for Lexa. The twins were a big deal in the company and everyone was excited. And Lexa being the business woman she was didn't let Anya take over until her feet swell to the point where standing for an hour was downright painful.

"It's gonna be like that time you were in the treatment," Anya said. "Except not, because you're here and you're still the leader and you will still be a CEO. Just from the safety and warmth of your home. Everything is going to turn out great."

Anya was excited too. Lexa wasn't sure she had ever seen her this bouncy. And the gifts, oh all the gifts she bought. Lexa was pretty certain newborns didn't need that many things.

The last two months of Lexa's pregnancy were the most challenging. The belly was so large Lexa couldn't see past it, over it, through it. She wasn't sure what her feet looked like anymore.

"They're still cute," Clarke reassured her, tickling Lexa's feet.

Lexa ground her jaw, not wanting to seem whiny or ungrateful. But she was also overly emotional.

"Hey, what's wrong love?" Clarke asked picking up on Lexa's sour face.

And Lexa burst into tears, slamming a pillow over her face. "It's stupid."

"Nothing you feel is stupid," Clarke disagreed, trying to pry Lexa's strong hands from the tight hold she had on the pillow. "Come on, babe, I don't want you to suffocate yourself."

Lexa loosened the hold. "I don't want pasta today," she cried, feeling awful because dinner was already cooked. Clarke was at work, busted her ass off all day and still came home to make them dinner. And Lexa hated it.

Clarke laughed. "Okay, love. You don't have to have pasta. What do you want?"

"Nothing," Lexa sobbed.

Clarke removed the pillow from Lexa's face and wedged herself next to Lexa. It was a tight fit on the couch, but they made it work. "What do you think the babies' favorite meals will be?"

Lexa hiccupped. "What?"

A hand reached to play with Lexa's hair. "What do you think their favorite meals will be?"

"I don't know," Lexa murmured, her sobbing ceasing, though she was still sniffling.

"Think."

It was a distraction game, Lexa knew. But when she closed her eyes and imagined their kids she realized it worked. They didn't know their genders and the images in her head were blurry. But she knew they would be beautiful and loved. "I think one is definitely going to be a spaghetti baby. You make really good spaghetti."

Clarke hummed.

"And the other one would definitely like something a bit more… fancy is the word, I guess."

"Like the gnocchi with sage-butter sauce you make?" Clarke suggested.

Lexa's eyes sparkled at the idea. "I want the gnocchi now."

Clarke laughed. "We can have them delivered in fifteen minutes. I can't make them as well as you can I'm afraid."

"But you made pasta."

"We can eat it tomorrow."

"No, we'll eat it today," Lexa argued, suddenly sitting up. She was now determined to eat the pasta Clarke made. She ate half a bowl and reached for a second portion. It was a full bowl this time and Clarke just watched her in amusement. When Lexa dumped a pickle in the pasta Clarke grimaced. But at least Lexa's weird food cravings consisted of vegetables.

In the last month of her pregnancy Lexa hated mirrors. She couldn't even look at herself when brushing her teeth. Clarke's soft murmurs helped, but the voice inside her head was louder. And Lexa hated herself for it. She wanted to be strong. For the babies. For Clarke. For herself.

"You know it's not just you," Clarke said quietly one night when they were cuddling in the bath.

"Hmm?" Lexa was sleepy. Bath always made her relaxed and tired.

"Body image issues. Most pregnant women get them at some point. Bodies change so much to accommodate the little one, or ones, growing and it's hard to always be joyful about the changes." The stretch marks on Lexa's stomach and hips glistened in the water. "But do you want to know what I think?"

Lexa swallowed nervously. "What do you think?"

"I think you've never looked sexier. I mean your abs kill me, no doubt there, but this? The maternity glow, the love you have for our kids already, how you're housing them and nurturing them and protecting them? That's sexy as fuck. It turns me on."

Lexa craned her neck to look at Clarke behind her. "Turns you on? Do you have a weird pregnancy kink?"

"Nope. I have a Lexa kink," Clarke breathed out, placing open mouthed kissed over Lexa's shoulder and neck. She kept doing it until Lexa moaned. A hand reached out to rub the baby bump. Lexa's breasts were a no-go area. The last time she grabbed her boob Lexa started crying from the pain. She slowly trailed her fingers down to see if Lexa was going to protest or stop her. Instead her legs spread further. "You're going to be a mom. To my kids. Fuck."

Lexa moaned when Clarke cursed and dropped her head back on Clarke's shoulder. The way Clarke slowly worked her up to an orgasm was blissful. Until something weird happened. "Ow, shit. Fuck, Clarke, I think my water just broke."

Clarke pulled her hand away. "What?" she shrieked out.

"Oh my god, stand up dumbass, we're sitting in my broken water."

Clarke stood up, eyes wide and panicky as she helped Lexa out of the bath. The bath water looked like… water? "Are you sure?"

Lexa bit her lip for a moment and then nodded. "Yup, I just had my first contraction."

If Clarke was the calm one throughout the pregnancy she was definitely having a mild panic attack when they were getting ready to go to the hospital. Clarke's hands were trembling when they sat in the car.

"Clarke, do you want me to call Anya? Raven? Get an uber?" Lexa suggested. "I love you and I trust you, but you're shaking like a leaf."

Clarke nodded shakily, her breathing anything but regular. "My wife is not having our babies in an uber."

"My contractions just barely started. We don't even have to go to the hospital yet," Lexa spoke calmly, reaching for Clarke's hand. "Look at me." Clarke turned her head towards Lexa and blinked a few times to get her eyes to focus. "I love you. And we're going to have our babies. Today or tomorrow. But, the point is we're ready. They have their room ready, the bassinets in our room are ready. We are ready."

Clarke sucked in a deep breath. "We're ready." She reached for the key to turn on the ignition, but changed her mind. "Maybe we should call Anya. And my mom."

"Okay."

Anya picked them up ten minutes later. Everyone was nervous, but Lexa felt oddly calm. She was just so happy that they were going to arrive soon.

Except it wasn't anytime soon.

Lexa was in labor for over thirty hours before they wheeled her in the operating room to give her a C-section.

"It's not your fault," Clarke stated, holding Lexa's hand with both of her hands. She pressed a kiss against the knuckles. They were both exhausted. Lexa's contractions picked up at night and they were running on no sleep. And then baby B turned sideways and blocked baby A's delivery path. "You're doing so well. They're going to be here soon."

Lexa was crying, softly this time. Eyes burning, vision blurry and small tear tracks down her cheeks. Clarke was wiping them away, over and over.

"You've been so strong and brave the entire pregnancy."

Lexa snorted in disbelief.

"You were," Clarke argued. "You've been a rockstar. And I'm really proud of you. It wasn't always easy, but you never complained, and you kept your promise and talked to me every time something was bothering you. I couldn't have asked for a better partner." Clarke's blue eyes were watering too, but she was so overcome with emotions. "And they're here, love. They're almost here."

The piercing sound of shrieking cries filled the room and Lexa sniffed. "Tell me everything, Clarke," she urged her.

Clarke raised her head to look over the barrier. "It's a boy. He's bloody and slimy and loud."

Lexa laughed. "But he's ours."

"Ours," Clarke promised and kissed her forehead. She was eager to go over there and meet her son. But one more baby was coming, and she couldn't bare leaving Lexa alone on the table. She held her hand just a little tighter.

"What's going on now?"

"Baby B is out," Clarke said. "They're wiggling." The cries weren't loud, they were just tiny little whimpers that passed away as soon as the baby was wrapped in a blanket. "It's a girl."

"A girl? We have one of each?" Lexa asked in awe.

Clarke beamed, connecting their lips for a soft kiss. Their tears mingled, and it tasted bittersweet. "I hope that's at least half of the big family you wanted us to have."

Lexa laughed, snotty and gross, but relieved. "Just two more, Clarke."

"Not anytime soon," Clarke pointed out.

"Go hold our babies," Lexa urged her when Clarke couldn't sit still anymore.

The babies were perfect. All toes and fingers were accounted for, Clarke would know she counted them six times, pink and wrinkly and with healthy lungs.

Lexa didn't get the chance to hold them until they were moved in their private room. Clarke set down the twins in her arms which Lexa thought was dangerous. She wasn't sure if she could handle one, let alone hold both of them.

"I'm right here," Clarke reminded her, her fingers playing with the dark hair on the baby boy.

Lexa took a good look at them and broke into tears. "They're perfect," she whispered, voice cracking as she started crying again. "Are you sure they're our babies?"

"I've seen the doctors pull them out of you, so yes," Clarke said, amused but also worried about why Lexa was crying.

"I just… I really hope they'll have a happy life you know?" Lexa rambled. "I want them to be safe and warm and always cared for. And I want them to be happy and healthy. I'm worried that I'll say something or do something and traumatize their lives. I want them to feel like they can come to us, talk to us, share their secrets with us."

"Oh, love," Clarke murmured, kissing Lexa's forehead. "They will. And you know why? Because you're already an amazing mother. They're going to love you so much you're going to be begging them to leave you alone."

Lexa shook her head. "Never."

"They'll be your biggest fans. And if… somewhere along the lines they would be unhappy we're going to do everything in our powers to help them."

"I love them. I was so worried that I would see them and feel gross about the body they changed me into, but I just love them so much. And I'm so happy they're here."

"I'm happy they're finally here too."

"And I love you," Lexa said, leaning into Clarke. "Thank you for allowing me to have this."

"Always, Lexa. I would go to the end of the world to make you happy," Clarke promised.

Lexa reached for Clarke's hand. "You don't have to. Stay right here with us and I'll be happy forever."

Later that day Clarke snapped a picture of four ridiculously tiny feet and posted it on her social media.

_My heart is bursting with love, joy and pride.  
I am still in disbelief of how incredible my wife is._

_Dominic Lucas Woods_  
_&_  
_Alexis Tristana Woods_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end.

**Author's Note:**

> am I really me if I'm not posting at midnight? anyway leave a feedback and do let me know if you see any typos or want me to continue


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